Looking for my tribe, it was suggested I try here ---- Sorry this is so long. You'll have heard this sort of story before.
My mum is ancient. She's also as stubborn as a whole herd of mules. She is in better health than most people of her age but nonetheless, you can't reach 90+ without something creaking and realistically she is not now coping as well as she used to.
My brother lives with her; "moderately severe autism" is his diagnosis. He could work, but he's had an entire lifetime of being infantilised and institutionalised by my mother (he has no friends, no job, no life outside her house). Basically she actively refuses to let him learn how to look after himself, and with his diagnosis he lacks the "oomph" to take matters into his own hands. Another sibling lives close by, used to do a fair bit with and for my mother, but they've fallen out and contact has been dramatically reduced. I live 5 hours away so have minimal physical input, have never got on with the other sibling but have regular superficial text contact with my brother. The relationship between my mother and I has never been easy - there's often a reason why family members flee the nest.
My father is long dead and my mother has no other family, just her offspring.
My mother really does need help, but denies this and gets very angry when it's suggested or offered. She has become very isolated for various valid reasons; my brother is even more so. She does get out, but she maximises every problem and brushes aside every suggestion and solution. I'm sure there's an element of depression, but that's on top of a very negative personality in the first place (she has said that she can see elements of autism in herself and I agree). She has enough money to pay for some help but is really angry that this was suggested (full AA -- so even the govt agrees that she needs help, but no, SHE IS NOT INCAPABLE - her capitals!)
She lives with my brother in her own place (which is a stinking midden, partly I'm sure due to the fact that she's got significant visual loss so can't see what needs to be done - but we had a massive row when I tried to push the idea of a cleaner). I know she has a will, but she point blank refuses to countenance PoA.
My biggest worry is about what's going to happen in the future. For years she's chosen to ignore what I say, then deafness intervened so she couldn't hear what I said, but I'm pretty sure that memory loss is now creeping in too.
I have decided that, for the sake of my own mental health, I have to withdraw from trying to help. I think my other sibling feels the same. I don't like the idea of leaving an elderly woman struggling, but she refuses to acknowledge that she needs help and pushing the subject has caused a major schism so what can I do? And if she loses capacity, things will be more difficult without a PoA but we will have to manage. (I'm a bit kind of sad that if that happens, she won't even understand if I say I Told You So! - hey, you got to take the grim laughs where you can find them, right?)
But my brother. What will happen to him? Because he's able bodied, it's sometimes assumed he's the carer but really it's 50:50 between them and if either falls, the other will collapse. If, without a PoA, my mother is incapacitated and household bills can't be paid, what will happen? If, or when, dementia supervenes, will he even notice? At least, if she needs residential care in the future, I don't think the roof can be taken from over his head as his diagnosis makes him a vulnerable adult too -- I pray I'm right about that.
Sorry for this long splurge. There's so many years of problems to try to put into one post. I just need some people who may have been in similar situations to tell me that somehow, it will all be ok :(