Drained with the expectation and terrified of what is to come

[Frazzledmummy123]

I'm an only child. Parents, DM is 83 and DF is 87. Both parents still living independently, for now anyway. DM is DF's carer. DF has lost almost all mobility but only uses a walking stick out of vanity/stubborness, and has some cognitive decline which has not been addressed. He has needed a walking frame minimum for past 5 years, but DM refuses (she is the boss). DM starting to slowly go downhill. Very forgetful, potentially carer's stress?, dropping a lot of weight. She passed a recent health check.

Their house isn't suitable (see a previous thread for details) as inaccessible however have at least accepted a few small adaptations. An extra handrail on stairs and outside, bath seat, etc were supplied. No downstairs loo, or anywhere one can be put in. House is between steep hills and nowhere near shops or public transport. My mum who has been very mobile now says the uphill walk to the local shops is getting too much as are the hills on the street. Gardeners let her down a lot and won't pay much for good gardners, and as a result, can't cope with the garden. I don't drive because of anxiety and she constantly guilt trips me about this. There has been no forward planning on their part and the plan was clearly to put it all on to me.

I am like her therapist about all her and my dad's medical ailments. Every time I see them there is something new going on, or another test result needing followed up, and a new worry. My anxiety is off the chart, (I feel guilty for as I know many of you have it much worse).

I have 3 children about to stop for summer break (I'm in Scotland) and now, my mum wants me, DH and the kids to go on holiday with her during the holidays and my dad (clearly so I can help care for my dad). She landed this on me with a fortnight to go before school stopped. I have a family holiday for 2 weeks booked and there has already been guilt tripping comments. How she hasnt had a holiday for years, etc. This is partly because they chose to not go away rather than have my dad using better walking aids.

I know some of you will probably think I am being selfish, but I am just fed up of the fall out of their stubborness all being put onto me. I know things are only going to get worse, and the constrant stress, worry and anxiety is overwhelming. I know this is catastrophising, but if my mum was to pass away or become unable, my dad would need 24/7 care and I am scared of the future.

They had a social work assessment done about 8 months ago, which is where the hand rails came from. They won't accept carers in, so they clearly plan to struggle on with me on standby to pick up the pieces. I feel so overwhelmed and scared.

I had a lot of very similar issues with my DF, he's now in a care home after a process that was entirely driven by crises. It wasn't much fun, to put it mildly. It started off with them procrastinating over having a ramp installed then DF falling and going into hospital for months.

Definitely say no to the holiday. They might find that once you're away and unavailable that they come round to needing help.

Also, what are you saying when your DM is complaining about the walk to the shop getting too much for her? It sounds like a good opportunity to say "If it's too much then it would be a good idea to move to xxx, the shops are closer and it's less hilly. I'm not going to be able to provide transport or care."

Likewise with the holiday, "I'm really looking forward to taking the kids away and getting a break." or even "If Dad gets a wheelchair/rollator you'd be able to go together."

Having said that my DPs went through a phase of booking completely unsuitable holiday accommodation which didn't meet DF's mobility problems and would then have to come home early or cancel. It was maddening. They once booked a B&B with an upstairs room in the full knowledge he wouldn't be able to get up the stairs! I think it was cheaper than the accessible hotel nearby.

My parents didn't want carers although were actually fine when they were in place, and it gave my DM someone else to talk to. They did continue to try and guilt me to go down and provide care even although in Scotland you get free personal care and my DF qualified for four visits a day.

I'd make it really clear now that you aren't going to be providing personal care, ever. Or learning to drive if that's a major boundary with you.

Other things I found I had to do was limit when I was available for calls. I'd get messages from my DM first thing in the morning or last sleep at night, it was like sticking my head in a bucket of anxiety around times when I was trying to sleep or wake up and I just couldn't provide what felt like a 24 hour support service.

@Changingplace sorry yes I should have clarified. We are talking about people who are basically denying there's a problem or not accepting the help they need and therefore generally speaking they are not going to accept someone acting with PoA on their behalf doing things they don't want done

This. You don’t say no, you’ll end up doing more and more - it will affect your mental and physical health (and you say you are already anxious), and your family members. Get carers in, get other help in, but do not do it yourself. So say no, and keep saying it.

@Purplecatshopaholic I agree with your words but in reality in my/our situation our DM point blank refuses any external help outside of me and my siblings. We have secured a cleaner- she refused her access; we got a gardener he came once and due to her extremely poor attitude declined returning. We provide food - she throws it away. We buy her clothes because she needs them - she lies that they have “fallen apart “ untrue or shrunk also untrue. Sadly this is and has always been her personality. It’s now impossible. For me I think eventually one of us, likely me, will need to move in with her. She won’t care that’s not something we want she’ll thrive on the drama.

Don't move in with her! Leave her to the life she has created for herself.

@Sossijiz thanks. She just has no one else and she’s not managing anything. Hard as it is I just can’t see any other way forward.

Oh @BlueLegume, I feel for you. I really do. But you do have a choice. If you choose to live with her (seriously, don’t), that is your choice. What do people without family do? What happens if family is on the other side of the world? She will keep taking, if you keep plugging the gaps, same as with the OP. You really, really need to disengage and step back for your own health and wellbeing.

I think a lot of elderly people just want their children, particularly female children, to do everything for them so that they do not need to get outside care. In the case of my dp I think it is so they can kid themselves on that they aren't that bad. Or they don't want the hassle of arranging outside agencies. Sometimes I think it is loneliness and they don't want to arrange outside care because that would mean one less visit from me. @BlueLegume please think very carefully before moving in because if you do, you may then find it is impossible to retreat.

Really it’s up to your parents to decide how they are going to move forward and request help if they need it from social services.
If you don’t drive there’s not much you can do really but Personally I’d stay for a short while during the holidays.
This may give you a day to day feel for how they are getting on in case your parents don’t realise themselves.

Having elderly parents is very worrying and stressful but my parents and my MIL always said they don’t feel old. They still feel like they are 18 ( in their minds anyway ) which is why it’s difficult to accept that changes may be needed.

Zippe. I would guess you have never had an elderly parent to manage.

I have actually.
My mum with many years of recurring cancer and a heart attack.
My dad with early onset dementia and eventually not coping alone after my mother died.

I, like OP, was on my own and lived about 100miles away from them.

My DPs are very undemanding and as self sufficient as they can be, but it's the inaction that I find so hard.

I had a very difficult conversation with DM ( age 85 with failing eye sight and osteoporosis in Oct 23) about did she want me to spend my time when I visit ( working with 1 hr drive) cleaning or should I spend that time providing company and she would think about getting a cleaner. Turns out she actually had a cleaners number and said that she'd give her a call. But then it was Christmas, so she would just leave it until after then, and now she would really like to tidy the house before she gets cleaner in.

This has all been prompted by relatives visiting in Sep 23 and telling me - because obviously it's all down to me - that the house could be cleaner. Now a different set are arriving a year later and doubtless expecting to be ferried up and down multiple times from mine to theirs as the silent unthanked facilitator, and nothing has changed on the cleaning front.

I can only assume that deep down my DM does expect me to do it - she always complained about spending her time cleaning DGMs when she visited. But I simply won't, they have the money, they have a contact. It's so frustrating because I'm the I'm being judged for it.

And sorry this is so minor compared to what some of you are experiencing, but I'm always worried it's the tip of the iceberg and I'm an only DC.

The more you kowtow to your mum’s expectations, the more she will take from you. You need to distance, grey rock and make sure they contact adult social care.