Convincing parent to move to care home

[falstaff1980]

I've concluded that the current situation is unsustainable for me, I'm exhausted from work and worry, I want my mother to move to a care home.

My mother has early-stage alzheimer's, I've got an LPA and basically have to manage everything, along with my full-time job and 5 year old child.

Yet from my mother's perspective all I do is pick her up each evening, take her to my place for supper, then take her home again. She's no idea that I'm also managing the maintenance of her house, acting as secretary to make sure she doesn't forget lunches with her friends, chasing things up with GP, the list goes on.

If she moved into a care home I'd still bring her to my house for supper, but I wouldn't have to worry if one evening I can't do this. It would remove a huge weight of worry from me.

My mother currently says she'd rather have care at home "when the time comes", and thinks she's more independent than she really is.

What steps did others take to persuade their parent to move to a care home? I've been talking to her friends and siblings who are still in good health, and they all seem supportive of me, and some have taken my mother to visit friends she already has in a couple of nearby care homes (good ones).

@falstaff1980
You have done the right thing and I'm sure you were worried about having that conversation. I hope it goes well for you both.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I don't want to derail the thread but I think we might have to get my DM into residential care by stealth as well. She thinks everything is fine but she can't be alone for more than half an hour. No capacity.

Please could you DM me if it's not too much trouble as I'm at a loss for what to do. At the moment it's just tantrums and suicide threats 😫

Get social services involved. Even if she's a self funder they can still support with the process

I do wish there was an alternative to being " put in a home". I had this accusation levelled at me, that I wanted to " put them in a home". What I actually did was visit a local place , unannounced and concluded it might be an option.
Then it all unravelled.
You can't make people do anything if they are " deemed to have capacity"

Its awful.

What about Extra Care? https://www.housing21.org.uk/our-properties/extra-care/

I didn’t and I wouldn’t. My parents did not want to go into a care home and I didn’t blame them. My brother wanted them to so that he could completely wash his hands of them. 😔
I cared for my parents, did all the stuff you talk about and had my dad living with me after dementia took my mum. He had cancer and it was really hard work. I feel for you but there are alternatives. I had a cleaner come in twice a week for a couple of hours which gave me the chance to get out. You could get a gardener for her too, it’s just someone around. Carers coming in 3 times a day for an hour to get her up and give her breakfast then lunch, her evening meal and get her ready for bed. If you haven’t already please register as a career with your GP I was put in touch with very helpful people when I did this. These things cost money but so does a care home and a care home isn’t your mum’s home too many of them are not nice at all. If you’re going away on holiday many care homes take people for respite care for a couple of weeks. Is there no one who could give you a break from some of the chores?
Having LPA does not give you power to put your mother in a care home while she still has the capacity to decide what she wants. You need to talk to her and explain that you can’t go on as you are and why you need help. The day May come when a care home is where she needs to be but it doesn’t sound to me like that day has arrived just yet.

Sorry, but I wouldn’t involve SS unless you have to. They’re all too liable to ask the person whether they want to go into a home, to which the answer is bound to be no.

TBH since DM was self funded, we saw absolutely need to ask any SW who didn’t know her from next door’s cat, to ‘assess her needs’. We who knew her so well were only too well aware of what her needs were. And by that stage, she absolutely needed 24/7 care and supervision.

She would undoubtedly told any SW that she was absolutely fine, thank you - she didn’t any help. And she’d have thought she was telling the truth.

@Enterthewolves Extra care was suggested to us by SS when DF was not coping in sheltered accommodation with visiting care. I spoke to a few managers of extra care places to explore and each asked about current needs, each then said extra care is still independent living and if sheltered with carers isn’t working then extra care isn’t likely to be enough.

@user16422052 we presented respite as a holiday and a nice place really is like that, good food and everything taken care of.