Massively overwhelmed - mums hip op

[BhxEzs]

Quick back story. My mum is due to have her hip replaced next month. She is a carer for my step dad who has progressed parkinsons. (Diagnosed 9 years ago). Both in their 60’s.

Step Dad in total denial about his Parkinson’s symptoms. He has several falls a week, his dyskinesia (involuntary movements) is very bad at the moment - my mum often gets hit and kicked in the night by him but won’t tell him. He has toileting issues and occasional incontinence.
He is not able to safely and consistently do things such a prepare food/drinks, keep house in a reasonable state and of course due to balance no way can he asist mum with getting anywhere post op. Mum shelters him from a lot of his symptoms and wants to encourage him to keep positive and as independent as possible. Step dad says he’s determined to get back to the physical state he was in 2 years ago - head in the sand with a refusal to understand Parkinson’s.

I see my mum being dragged down mentally and emotionally the way a carer often is. Things often get smashed or broken in the house as step dad refuses to not do things like carry plates of hot food (falls and smashes them), accidentally swipes glasses off the table with an involuntary movement etc. She is his emotional crutch as he struggles with anxiety as he is terrified of looking ‘disabled’. He doesn’t like using mobility aids - although he desperately needs to.

I am one of 6 children but everyone else lives abroad (I.e the other side of the world). I live 25 mins away so of course I will be the post op help.
I have said I will move in for 2 weeks to assist with everything including overnight. I’ve said - in the nicest of ways - they should consider sleeping in separate beds for a while, told step dad mum categorically won’t be able to help him up if he falls and that I will be able to assist with sorting meals etc as sometimes he has issues with carrying plates etc. He has taken huge offence at this. He says he’s perfectly capable of looking after my mum. Everyone around can see he isn’t. Mum is underestimating how much help she’ll need and doesn’t want me putting myself out. She always quietly gets on and gets things done and she thinks she can do the same with this.

I am literally feeling sick about the situation. I hate confrontation and what started as a calm chat with my step dad turned into him losing his rag and being very unfair to me. (Calling me pathetic etc). I know this is him struggling to cope with acceptance of his disease but I’m not prepared to be a whipping post in that respect.

He seems to think I’m meddling but I would love for us to be in a situation where I don’t need to be involved. I have had rheumatoid arthritis for over 20 years and have limited use of my right hand, struggle with fatigue, pain and all the other rubbish that comes along with it. I’ve had nightmares every night for the past week probably due to stress and today I’ve given up and just come back to bed for the day.

I also have a lovely 7 year old son who will be on school holidays so it’s going to be so difficult managing it. No support from my husband (that’s another story), as he will be away visiting his family (abroad) - a trip I should be on but will be postponing due to my mums hip op.

I guess I partially needed a vent but would also like to ask what sort of care will my mum need at home post op?

I now feeling like I’m treading on egg shells as my step dad has made this massive fucking elephant in the room.

I’m just so angry that my mum can’t even have a hip op without it all becoming about my step dad!!!

That sounds horrendous. Mine had a hip replacement at slightly older and went into residential care for a couple of weeks (self-funded) as there was no way she'd have been able to manage at home.

I'd be very wary of agreeing to move in for two weeks. It sounds incredibly difficult, will just enable the situation and they're unlikely to be at the stage of being able to manage after that.

Could she go into respite/residential care, you can visit but ultimately care for your son during the holidays. All your mum will be doing for a few weeks is resting, physio exercises and eating meals made by someone else.

And let stepdad fail because it's usually having a crisis occur that makes things change?

It sounds like you need to start being very direct.

Email DSFs DCs and tell them that you are worried about how he will cope without your DM as you want her either to go to respite or come to your house post Op. Tell them the best place for him is in respite, and can they try to convince him as you cannot provide any care as unable to lift and looking after your DM and your DC with your own health condition, and you are very worried about him being on his own as your poor DM is the one providing all his day to day care atm.

Use your own siblings and try to get them to convince Dm to go to respite after the operation.Get them to tell her it's too much for you to look after everyone.

Tell your DM she has a choice between respite or coming to your house. Your conversation with DSF at the weekend has made it clear you can't care for her there. Tell her you need to put your own DC and health somewhere in this equation and that's the only way this will work.

I totally agree with rookiemere. This is very wise advice.

My experience was that I moved into my DM's house for a couple of days after she had a knee replacement (I know hips are meant to be easier). A couple of days didn't seem much, I was sure I could cope with that . . . . 7 weeks later I was still there. I was lucky that I didn't have young DC to look after. In hindsight she should have gone to respite care. I also remember having to do some complicated schedule to make sure she was getting the right meds/pain relief - as mentioned by a PP.

Respite can often be arranged at short notice, but there will be some paperwork to go through. Could they maybe go to the same place for respite - maybe they would more amenable if they were both there? I think sometimes couples have two rooms, one with a double bed and the other made into a little living room.

All the best OP

I remember thinking the advice from the hospital about the post op period totally didn't reflect the reality!

We were told she'd need someone with her overnight the first night home. And were expecting physio exercises and not driving for six weeks.

The reality was needing all meals brought to her for two weeks (couldn't carry them herself or prepare them), extra equipment like chair risers and grab handles for the bathroom, keeping on top of pain relief. Basically all cooking, cleaning, meal prep, shopping, laundry etc couldn't be done at all by her for two weeks, with a gradual return to being able to do some very basic meal prep after that, with help with shopping, laundry etc. Within six weeks it was back to something resembling normal but it was really unhelpful the implication that she'd be fine with someone else there for one night then left to get on with it.

I would see if you can go with her to the pre op to see what the plan is. I am having my hip done next month hopefully and the plan is it will be daycare if all goes well - spinal with no sedation . I am younger (mid 50s) but my understanding is there is a big emphasis on getting up asap and mobilising. I currently have exercises in preparation 4 times a day.

My pre op didn’t cover heights of seat etc but that was discussed at the appointment with consultant a week or so later. I won’t be having any hip restrictions apparently and he said he didn’t think I would need a shower chair plus is happy for me to use my recliner.

Having joined a FB group I can see there is a huge variation in how people recover and it doesn’t seem to follow that if younger it is quicker reading the group, it just seems to vary.

Years ago my Mum had her hip done and I slept over the first couple of nights but was knackered with a 2 year old and a 7 year old and didn’t hear her when she needed to go to the toilet in the night as was so tired I just didn’t wake up. I now have psoriatic arthritis but didn’t at the time (well not formally). You have an RA diagnosis and you need to take care of yourself and your DC.

I would contact your Stepfather’s DC and say as suggested above that they will need to sort some care for him. I would also talk to your other siblings and say that you don’t feel you will be able to give her all the support she potentially needs and that if she doesn’t have it , it will limit the effectiveness of the operation as she will have to work quite hard after to get things going again - especially if she had been struggling for a while as her muscles will be weaker.

Really feel for you, I remember how stressful it was when my Mum had hers and that was without someone who needs care in the equation.

Hi OP, I read your post yesterday but didn’t have time to reply.

I don’t think you stay at your Mum’s or even your Mum staying with you is a good idea. Hospitals ‘can’ be great at putting support in place, especially quickly to get someone discharged but after that you’re on your own. I think Mum telling the hospital it’s for my daughter will do it all will mean they will happily agree with your Mum and nothing will be put in place.

My Mum was discharged to a physio place, well really an NHS funded care home for 6 weeks post her hip op but she was older with more complicated issues. I can’t remember the full details as I also had a new born with some health issues.

Sadly elderly parents saying they can cope it very common. In part it’s denial but in part DM and Step Dad will not be realising how much DM is now doing because it slowly creeps up on people.

I would say the top priority in this is your son, your health and plans being made for your DM that are based in reality, wuth good support in place to allow a good recovery from this significant procedure.

I would prioritise going to preoperative meetings along with your mum, and just giving clear contributions of what the reality is (write a list or print out your original post). Of course she has the right to make her own decisions but those advising her should know the reality.

I would also prioritise informing your stepdad's children that neither you nor your mum can support him in any way during this period, and can they talk to him.

Tbh I would hope that your mum would go into respite, your stepdad will or will not cooperate with things like pendant alarms and carers, and he will end up needing significant support.

But as long as your priorities are covered, your son will be OK, you will be OK, and your mum's recovery will be OK.

I would invite your mother to stay at yours for the first 2 weeks after the op, you said your husband is away then anyway.

I had a hip replacement at 50 & recovery isn’t too bad as long as you have plenty of time just to rest and sleep ( strong painkillers) and someone to help supervise for the first couple of weeks while you take a shower just in case of falls.

She could go home once she feels strong enough but at least would have been given care during the most difficult part. Your stepfather sounds utterly selfish.

I feel responsible for making sure she’s not ‘lost’ to being a carer

You are not responsible for this, she is not trying to stop you feeling lost to being a carer, she’s happy enough to dump this mess in your lap. If your mum feels everything will be fine then it’s her decision. You could just say great I’m going on holiday then. People make their own choices and you can’t spend your life trying to save people from the consequences. I admit I sound a bit angry, but your mother is living with a situation she created and is refusing to address and you have a family of your own.

Any news @BhxEzs ? How are you feeling?

I had a hip replacement in my early 60s and made a very quick recovery, but it depends on so many things specific to an individual and the way their house is set up that it's hard to give more than very general advice.

A key factor for me was having pre op physio where I learned and practiced the exercises I'd be doing afterwards, so I had confidence and didn't have to learn them while I was feeling fragile. I also got to discuss the implications of post op restrictions in detail. It's one thing knowing that you mustn't bend your hip more than 90 degrees and another realising that that means you won't be able to pick anything up off the floor without careful planning, if at all. That meant that I could set the house up for success in advance. For example I knew I'd need both hands to get upstairs so I wouldn't be able to carry anything, I hung an IKEA bag on a rope from the banister so I could hoist laundry up and down that way.

If your siblings can't be there to help then perhaps they could fund a couple of private physio appointments that you could go to with your mum. You'll probably find this a massive help to both your planning and her recovery. Perhaps they could also fund someone to come in regularly for a short time every day for a few weeks so she'll be able to leave any difficult tasks to them.

I also second the suggestion to get an OT assessment. If you do this after you see the physio you'll be able to ask whether they have anything that will help you to do X. If you do it before, you might not have realised that X might be a problem.

I'd do all this whether or not you manage to arrange respite care. This is an opportunity to get an outside professional opinion on the realities of your mum's situation, and some idea of the help that might be available, without making your stepdad think it's all about him, so I'd grab it with both hands.

A small thing but can I suggest they buy a strong tea-type trolley to transport plates and other items around the house.