How to cope with seeing your childhood home bulldozed by new owners after parents go into care?

[falstaff1980]

This thought really upsets me. My mother (81 yo, early-stage alzheimers) has expressed a preference for going to a nice care home rather than in-home care, and this would mean selling the house to pay for it.

I don't see any way I could possibly pay for my mother's care home and pay my sister for her eventual share of the house, it's worth about three times what my house is worth (which I still have a mortgage on). Even if there were no care costs, I'd never be able to cover this.

For me it's a lovely and unique house with a big garden, it's the only house I knew growing up, and it's been a refuge for me through periods of divorce and unemployment.

I'm sure that like what has happened to many houses in this street, a new buyer will turn out to be a developer (they send actors to view the house) who'll knock it down and put three houses or flats on the plot.

I guess I just need to accept that life moves on and you can't try to recreate or relive the past, but I'm sure I'll be an emotional wreck when I step out of the house for the last time, and take the keys to the estate agents, and then I'll probably find it hard to resist the urge to go and see what is being done to it.

Do you still live there?

My parents put a covenant on their house when they sold, so that they'd get % of the increase in value if it was sold on to a developer with 20 years of their sale. That's an option to avoid people pretending to be a family purchasing to live in it.

I know this isn't your point, but - assuming your mother's will divides estate between her children - your sister is entitled to a share of what there is when she dies. If the house has already been sold and proceeds spent (on anything !) then there's nothing to divide. Your sister's "share" is not relevant.

This is quite a nice idea. So if it's an extension it's fine but if you're just buying to develop it's an expensive option.

I get you. Just bricks, but your bricks.

My parents have lived in their home almost their whole marriage and poured their heart and soul into making it lovely (several times over in 50 year!) so much of it done by their own hand. I will be very sad to sell when the time comes, and like yours, the location and plot would make it very vulnerable to development.

For me, I feel very upset seeing architecturally interesting and unique properties being knocked down and replaced with steel or brick blocks or identikit units regardless of whether I own the property or not.

But I was brought up in an unremarkable house of no particular aesthetic or architectural interest so, happy as many of my childhood memories are, I must confess it wouldn't bother me overly to see my childhood home replaced with flats.

The rage I get every time I walk past the glass-fronted monstrosities which have replaced a lovely old Edwardian mansion on the road next to ours is something else, however 😡. Could never in a million years have afforded it/to do it up myself, but I did hope it would be bought by someone who would cherish it. And all the trees in the front/side garden gone as well 🙁. A whole apple orchard replaced by parking/tiny courtyard gardens without a blade of grass in sight.

I think if you can’t afford to buy it yourself then you will be able to make peace with it, personally. I’ve lost my grandparents home which was absolutely heaven to me, but I still have the very precious memories I can explore in my head. And I am often reminded of it by various smells and sights.

Can you create and sell two building plots off to make a profit?

And then use your share of the money to buy the actual house from your mum? She would then use that to fund her care?

We’ve just been in this situation. The plus was a quick and very painless cash sale.

In the end my mothers neighbours (three separate ones!) were so absolutely horrific that I’m now quietly and totally immaturely excited to see what happens next. I hope it’s very disruptive 🤣

Would you need to see the house after sale? Could it be out of sight and out of mind?

My house has a date of 1668 on it.

I’m weirded out by it as a) I realise that it’s not actually ‘mine’ b) it’s survived more history than I’ll ever see c) I’ve ‘only’ been there 25 years - in the grand scheme of it all I’m utterly irrelevant.

Home is people - not a building - although we’ll all be hugely sad to leave a house that’s been like a family member.

I think it’s like losing a much loved pet. Look back with gratitude that you had it in the first place.

This is such a timely post as today my parents handed over the keys to their house of 43years! Where we grew up and had many parties, weddings etc. It’s a 16th century house in a beautiful garden my mum created. Feel very emotional about it as it feels like the end of an era but I’m wishing the new family many years of happiness and fun like we had. I know they will do a lot of work but it definitely needs it now. I understand how you feel but think we just have to hang on to our memories and pictures.

My great aunt was left by her husband after their son died aged 2. She lived in rented accommodation until she got a council bungalow in her 50s. She worked full time at the coop and went to church on a Sunday. When she was moved into a home we had two weeks to vacate the property of all her life. In the home she was allowed £5 a week out of her pension for treats.

Even if it is kept as a single family home, you might be appalled at what the new owners do to it - paving over the entire front garden, pulling up lovely, long-established shrubs, ugly new windows that are not at all in keeping, etc.

Personally, having gone through it all with both DM and FiL, I look on the ability to self-fund - rather than being at the tender mercies of permanently cash-strapped social services - as something of a ‘luxury’. At least you can choose the time and place.

op talk to your sister about it, see if there’s any way at all you can come to an agreement. Our house has been in the family since gm sold it to my mum and dad and we’ve all agreed we’ll try and find a way to keep it in the family. Some of us are more attached than others but no it wouldn’t help to know someone else loved it etc, it’s always been part of us. If it ends up having to go then fine but we’re all on the case x

This reminds me of the Elizabeth Bishop poem One Art.
There is something awful about old houses being demolished for the crappy new ones they build now, particularly if it has good bones and could be renovated.
Having said that, someone in my family recently sold a much loved house and a lot of the furniture, blankets, kitchenware, paintings etc were kept and they do feel like parts of the house that we could take with us.

Can't you get covenant insurance to cover that? Also would affect price possibly.

Does any of the garden have separate access OP, so you could save a bit, have a shed and allotment?

Unfortunately, it is the circle of life, really tough though.

Oh me too! Mum's neighbours were cnuts in the pandemic. Horribly snooty and lacking in empathy. I'm dreaming up dog kennels, refugees (they would hate that), Airbnb for stag parties etc.

I do get it, my nan's house wasnt bulldozed but I had loads of really happy memories there so I did a walk through and took a video of it before it was sold.

Then I can watch it whenever I feel like it- you could even make a video and add some music that you associate with the memories. Then it's preserved forever and you can watch it any time you want.

When my parents sold up it was very emotional. However, they found a buyer that they were happy with - a family that cared about the garden and the wildlife etc, and were fairly confident would love the house the way we had. However, we've taken the stance that we're not going back to look, as we couldn't bear it.

I don’t know if you are your mum’s attorney or if she still has capacity.

If the former, I would think carefully about any covenants etc. These will reduce the value of the house to a purchaser which is not in the best interest of your mum financially

I thought I would feel like that but I drove past it the other week, house was sold well over a decade ago, and didn't feel anything at all.

Even if it isn't knocked down and turned into flats, it'll still be changed - new decor, kitchen, bathroom, re-do garden etc. It won't be the same place. Can you take some photos or a video of how it was so you have that to remember it by?

I do wonder if the elderly chap or his son we bought from think the same. We've completely renovated the house - not extended but it does look dramatically different now.

Could you sell your house and move into it?

Depends how strongly you feel about it - where there is a will there is a way usually.

There are all sorts of things you could consider including discussing with your sister.

Look at taking in lodgers (renting a room in other words rather than tenancy of the home) for extra income.

Sell your own house, use some of that money to pay for the care in lieu of a share in the parents house.

Rent out your own house and move into the parental home with long term aim of buying out your sister by selling your own home.

Also look at getting the house valued with a formal RICS red book valuation so you know what it is worth - it maybe less than you think.

And could indeed be regarded as deprivation of assets, in the same way as signing over your house to your children or even "selling" to them at below market price.

My childhood home was sold to move my DF nearer to me. Although it's remained a private home, what distresses me is I no longer have the right to go and visit when I want, wander round the garden when I want. Given you will have that distress anyway, maybe it's not much worse for it to be bulldozed. Do as a PP said and photograph/video every inch of it.And maybe take cuttings of special plants in the garden.

Keep me updated if you hear anything and I will join you in raising a glass to upset arseholes 🤣