DM is so frustrating with insurance renewals. HELP!!

[EasterRose24]

My DM is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, and is generally in good health. She's also not in bad shape financially. She has a decent amount of savings. And her pensions easily cover her monthly outgoings. I set her up with a regular savings account from her current account, and each month money is paid into this account (over and above her lumpsum savings) for the purpose of paying larger bills.

Every May she get renewal notices for her car and home insurances. They are a few hundred pounds each. .

Every year at renewal time she tells me she wants to pay by direct debit because the insurance premium will leave her short for her regular monthly expenses from her current account.
I've explained over and over that paying this way is more expensive. By as much as £80 for both policies. Every year she gets all stroppy on me and says she doesn't care, she's rather pay by installments, because she doesn't want to be short in her current account.
I've explained she has a regular savings account for this purpose, and lump sum savings as well. She says she doesn't want to use her savings for insurance!!!

I've suggested she use the money saved and give it instead to a charity rather than to an insurance company. She just won't have it.

I know it's her money her choice, but my god I hate insurance renewals now with a vengeance!!!

How can I persuade her that insurance companies do not need her hard earned cash?

2 savings accounts
One for savings
And one called "yearly bills"

I get frustrated too, OP. I hate having to such a lot, but not being allowed to do it the best way.

If at 87 she can get car insurance for a few hundred pounds she's doing g very well! It's not your money, and it's not a vast amount so you have to let it go.

My elderly DM spends her money 💰 n ways I certainly wouldn't, and is ridiculously frugale in other ways, but it doesn't affect me so I try to ignore it. You need to let it go.

What you owe for fuel is calculated on what you have used, if you’re not on DD you are billed at the end of the quarter on the basis of what you have used. So there’s an advantage to the company in moving people to DD. Whereas the default for the insurance company is to have the whole year up front.

I was talking about the annual/quarterly situation, you were talking about the monthly situation.

Now now, don't be an angry martyr. I think if you'd said at the beginning of your posts you have to do it all then that would have been different. If it was me and she had lots of spare savings and the ability but can't be arsed (I have one of those and it's very irritating) then I'd just say can't get it cheaper mum, let it auto renew and the direct debit will just keep coming out so no work for EasterRose - result!

If you feel you can't do that then you need to work on 1) not getting worked up when she wants a direct debit even though she is getting fleeced and 2) not reacting when she moans about cost of living crisis. Imagine she is an old woman at a bus stop moaning at you, you wouldn't care as you aren't emotionally invested, need to get into that state with your mum. Or, when she inevitably says col crisis, let it wash over you, don't counter with well if you weren't paying an extra x for direct debits etc etc. She may just like moaning because that is what everyone else is doing.

None of it easy but you are obviously very resentful you are doing it so either stop - she will find a way i can assure you or do the minimum or work on not reacting - as the slightly trite line goes - only person's behaviour/reactions you can control are your own.

Wow! I have no words.

I dont believe Torro has ANY idea about working with elderly parents. The vast majority of parents this age are not tech savvy and expect their children (often daughters!) to do all of the leg work. They might not have a PC or just dont understand what is required. They then take it out on the person who has done all the donkey work or pretend they understand what is going on when they dont.

I didnt put up with this sort of behaviour from either parent when they were alive. If they thought they could do a better job then they were most welcome to sort it out themselves.

They arent doing all the running around, getting quotes, speaking to companies etc.

Where would this lady be with the OP doing all the leg work??

Also, a few hundred for car insurance seems very very low for her age. Insurance has shot up recently. Have you had a recent quote?

A friend of mine had a Father who wouldnt use DD. He wanted his daughter to pay the bill - car insurance (until it got too expensive), gas bills etc and then he would give her a cheque! And not before he went through the bills with a microscope. On one ocassion he has an issue with his gas usage so demanded that she call British Gas before he would refund her.

For me its a question of boundaries. I will of course help and assist. Technology is tricky now but we are not slaves to our elderly parents. In the end my parents just left the whole thing to me. They didnt question anything and they knew I was looking after them and their interests. Yes, we did have the house insurance issue where they were paying stupid amounts because they stayed with the company for over 30 years. I showed them how I got it down to 20% of what they were paying and that seemed to be a turning point in them saying that they would just leave to me.

Really I’m sure you do! I’m not having a go, I’ve been there. It’s hard.

Oh you are wrong. Many years of being my mother’s pa. Sorted her house move for her , sorted all my dad’s funeral , she’s coming round in 30 mins for me to do admin. I recognise therefore the annoyance.

Sometimes, OP, the cheapest thing isn't the best thing. We all just do what suits us best. Assuming your mother has capacity, then she can do what the hell she likes. Even if she wants to put £1,000 on a horse in the 3.30 at Ascot, that is absolutely fine because it's her money.

My mother has a decent pension. Over the past few years she has gotten worse in regards to spending money, moans about bills and the cost of living. Along with this she has savings. Both myself and another sibling could do with some financial help. Yet despite knowing our circumstances their is no money forthcoming.

She told me that she won't be putting my name on her accounts. The reality is that her decision to do this but unfortunately in going to make things difficult for her long term.

Recently she said to me she had gotten information regarding her x insurance. She had this letter for about 3 weeks before showing me. When she heard the price I got that's very expensive - can you get me something cheaper?
So I went online and found some other policies that were cheaper. I told her she need to ring the x insurance company and ask the questions I wrote down for her regarding the cheaper policies.
A week later she had still not made this phone call and it's time sensitive.
I can't ring the company and speak about her policy because they need her permission to chat me about this.

The truth because of her behaviour over the past few years I have decided to step back and let her deal with thing's. I have had enough of trying to sort out different things for her. She refuses to listen to what I say because of course she knows better. I can see it will just be a matter of time before she needs more help because of her age and other issues.
Meanwhile I am making plans that will suit me and not her care needs going forward.

Got to admit I have zero time for those pensioners who are as mean as shit with both themselves and other close family and imply they are struggling when they have huge savings stashed away plus a home they own plus pension/s - however in a case like this it's more to do with mental organisation rather than being mean to themselves/others. She obviously feels better seeing her savings remain the same and factoring these payments into her monthly budget- so really although it's not the way you would do it and it doesn't seem logical- it's up to her -

Also, a few hundred for car insurance seems very very low for her age. Insurance has shot up recently. Have you had a recent quote? It was 90 where my Dad’s insurance shot up. No big increases through his 80s.

I am not sure some are missing the point here. Of course its the elderly parents money. However they shouldnt be getting daughters to run around getting them quotes, making sarky comments and otherwise making a bit of a nuisance of themselves to then turn round and say they are doing things the way they want to do them.

DH was the same in that he went with what he knew because he didnt do technology, he didnt own a computer and was quite proud of the fact. Of course it meant he couldnt compare prices, take advice from places like MoneySavingExpert etc. He did it HIS way. Which is fine but stop moaning that prices were shooting up when there were other options. I do get that of course he was embarassed that he didnt keep up with things. He didnt own a mobile either. In the end I showed him very simply what I had done with his insurance and he realised that I knew what I was doing. So many of my friends parents wont listen or fib about their capabilities. Its again fine but who gets called in the middle of the night because of a fall (with said parent refusing to wear a pendant). They managed to crawl to the emergency button but sadly did some damage to their broken hip.

My work collegue cancelled a holiday because just as they were leaving for the airport the parent called to say they had fallen (whilst standing on a chair and cushion!) whilst changing a bulb. They had been told not to do it as they had been caught before but did they listen??

My work collegue cancelled a holiday because just as they were leaving for the airport the parent called to say they had fallen (whilst standing on a chair and cushion!) whilst changing a bulb. They had been told not to do it as they had been caught before but did they listen?? But what is the alternative? Who would you call to change a light bulb for you?

Though I accept a stepladder would have been safer.

The problem ones are the ones who think they're capable (mentally and physically) but aren't, and get themselves into one sorry mess after another, whether financially or health wise, and then it falls to their children normally to dig them out of the hole they dug for themselves, when if they'd have just not been so damned arrogant and "know it all" in the first place and accepted help/advice they'd not have got themselves into the mess.

And no, it's not just because of the recent push for things to be online, it's the same with other things like the falling off the chair example above. But even with the online issues, lots of older people had ample opportunity to embrace technology years ago but shunned it because "they know better", or there are plenty who happily use their laptop to Facetime relatives or do geneology searches or emails or online quizzes, or whatever floats their boat, but steadfastly refuse to use it for financial stuff.

I have an uncle who constantly facetimes his relatives all over the World, but when I mentioned online banking, he just grumbled and said "I don't do the internet" - completely oblivious that Facebook WAS the internet!!

We also have an elderly neighbour who uses a huge heavy petrol lawnmower for his very modest sized lawn - he can barely move it, and even worse, his drive and lawn is on a slope. He's been struggling with it for years, but it finally broke last Summer and we hoped he'd see sense and either get a gardener or a smaller/lightweight electric mower. I despaired when I saw him with tools all over the drive trying (and failing) to assemble his new heavy petrol mower which he bought on a "self assembly" basis - OK not self assembly of the engine, but quite a few bits needed self assembly such as the handles, rollers, etc. OH had to go and help him which was a battle as the old guy clearly thought he could do it and was annoyed at someone trying to help. Eventually, they got it made and the guy started struggling mowing his lawn again. Then a few weeks later, he was trying to push it back up his drive and he tripped and it fell back pushing him over landing him in hospital - could have been a lot worse, at least the cutting blades weren't rotating at the time! Just why do they do it to themselves??

Some people just won't be helped, and although it's hard, sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes and get themselves out of their holes.

The alternative is to recognise that one light bulb can wait until it can be done safely. Don’t stand on a chair with a cushion on top because you cannot wait or you think you know better because I guarantee that your children will be sorting out the mess you create.

Yes, someone with capacity can live the life they choose. 100% I agree with this but not when it affects others and causes such huge issues to your family.

Solidarity @EasterRose24 I've spent a trying afternoon with my mother, who is adamant she can do these admin things herself. She can't, but I have to let her get into a pickle before she'll let me help. I end up feeling like I should have stepped in earlier, while knowing through bitter experience that she'll get stroppy if I try.
I'd love her to accept help sooner as it would save her from feeling the upset at not being as capable as she once was. It would be so much easier for us both.
I hear you 💐

@Tracker1234 mum also refused to wear her pendant, and had to crawl to the base unit with a broken hip. She has a new hip and wears her pendant now.
The mental capacity act can cause a lot of frustration among those of us left to pick up the pieces. I agree with you on all your points!

One light bulb can’t wait if it’s the main light in the room. But even if it can - who can you get to change it? Not DC - because there will be lots of other small jobs, and one thing DC complain about on here is being confronted with a list of jobs every time they visit. So what is the solution for someone who is perfectly capable, but just has problems with things requiring strength and who everyone feels shouldn’t be climbing ladders?

I don't think this is about insurance. I thinks it's about you being exhausted and overwhelmed with this additional work and then your mother not actually taking your advice to make yours and her life easier.
I think it's time to set some boundaries. You say she's capable. It's her choice whether to renew with her current insurer or for her to shop around- she can do this by phone.
Easier said then done I know but if you don't start now it will escalate.

The sensible alternative would be to buy a small/cheap/lightweight step ladder for around £25 which is about the same height as a chair but a lot safer!

Or replace old fashioned bulbs with LED bulbs which last for years and don't need changing that often (but of course, some people still hark back to the old filament bulbs and think it's a disgrace that Tesco don't sell them anymore which means the burden/onus is back on their children to source them via Ebay because the parent "doesn't do ebay" do they? That's what happened with my MIL - refused point blank to use LED bulbs because presumably she'd seen an article in the Daily Mail about how they're too bright or too dim, or whatever! We tolerated her at first and got a box of filament bulbs from Ebay but the quantity was crap and they were blowing within a few weeks, so we just had to lie and say we couldn't get them anymore and got a box of LED ones from Tesco - she moaned at first, but soon forgot and we've never had to change one since!

Lots of people pay monthly and pay extra for the convenience. Ive done it some years, some years I dont.

I don't complain about "small jobs" where they genuinely need doing and there's no alternative.

What I do moan about are the multititude of small things that could be avoided with planning, common sense, adaptation, etc., but which need doing because someone won't take advice, won't change, etc.

I honestly dont think anyone is trying to stop perfectly capable people from changing light bulbs. But we all know many many people in their 80's who think they know better. Wont be told what to do bt anyone. Wont wear a fall pendant. Will continue to do daft jobs because they know best.

I notice that some people are talking about care pendants. They arent the answer to everyone's prayers. Who do you think the contact at the call centre is when elderly person falls? Its not a carer - they will be off doing another job, on holiday etc. They wont be rushing round, cancelling holidays, theatre tickets unused (this happened to me). It will be the daughter/DIL (sons rarely seem to come up in these sorts of conversations).

My parents have now passed - one very recently. For the last parent I literally had to be lay the law down. Told them that if they didnt change their ways we would have to consider a care home - I know it sounds bloody harsh but I was literally being called by the independent living complex a couple of times a week about things parent had done or not done. There didnt seem to be any reason for some of the things. One thing I did know is they were massively affecting my life. I ran parents life with regard to health and finances, they didnt need to worry about anything yet here I was spending huge amounts of time helping the parent. In the end heath issues meant they had to move to a care home. Many many falls, confusion about lots of things, mood swings, pressing her care pendant a lot when they fell and couldnt get up.