Dad, 64, struggling with house work and bit of a hoarder?

[TheBlueRobin]

A bit of a long one!

My lovely Mum passed away nearly 18 months ago after a short illness. This left my Dad and I devastated and it's been a hard time.

My Dad is 64, self employed and works tremendously hard in quite a manual job. He's looking to wind down and retire soon. He's had to adapt massively since Mum passed as they had a very traditional set up (he looked after finances and bills but knew NOTHING about cooking, cleaning, general housekeeping etc) so it's been quite a shock for him. I've helped him a lot along the way but I (30f) live 100 miles away so I'm not able to easily pop by and help out. Though I suspect if I did live nearer I'd be doing everything for him. I'm an only child. Dad has other family nearby but they're not close. I bought my home with my partner just before my Mum got ill and my career means I need to be near the city. I love my Dad but he's very stubborn and set in his ways.

Dad's feeding himself, keeping on top of washing and managing to get a hoover around now and again great. He can even change the bedding which was a MASSIVE debacle. I'm proud of him for that. So yes, the important things are getting done.

However my Dad is incredibly messy and untidy. Given his job the table and hallway are always full of tools. He struggles to find things as every surface is covered in stuff, tools, junk mail, litter and dust. Imagine a teenage boy's room but its the whole house. Not quite a hoarder but lots of 'doom' piles around the house. I think part of it is a scarcity mindset as he grew up with nothing? His bedroom is pretty disgusting, his floor is covered in (clean) clothes, coathangers and his office is a mass of paperwork and receipts that I regularly have to sort for his business. I just worry that as he gets older and less able this will only get worse. Especially if I have kids and am less available. My Mum was very houseproud and 'contained' his mess to an extent but she found it hard to live with as well. Now she's gone, there's no buffer there. She actually told him when she got ill that he needed to take pride in his home.

I don't enjoy visiting at all as I find the house unpleasant. I go every 4-6 weeks usually for a weekend and usually spend most of my time cleaning, tidying or sorting out his business admin and not actually spending time with HIM. He's grateful and doesn't ask me to do stuff apart from help with paperwork but it's exhausting and I feel resentful now, nevermind what things might be like in the future. And then when I visit again, the house is a state again.

I've suggested him getting a cleaner to do a deep clean every so often and he just tops it up but he was dismissive of that and think saw it as a attack that he wasn't coping.

Occasionally I've thought "not my circus not my monkeys" - he's 64, not 84 and I'm not his maid and need my boundaries. I want to lead my own life too. But it's hard to see your Dad live like that.

I understand I might sound harsh as he's a grieving widower but I'm a grieving daughter too and feel more like the responsible adult here.

What would you suggest?

Watching for ideas as you basically described my dad. Except he's 80 and caring for mum who's developed dementia over last few years. The house is becoming so cluttered she thinks it's not her home 😟. He's always been a collector but it's now clear how much mum kept it in check.

Bully and cajole him into getting help and support. I mean that kindly. Use whatever you need to. It will get worse and worse. Dont worry about whether he will be hurt. Sit down with him and say what you have said here. Don’t shout but it will be you sorting all this out in the end if you aren’t careful,

Late Father was like this but much much worse- think Buried Alive documentaries. He then went to work abroad for six months and left the keys for my brother to check on the house. Brother did a massive clear out with two skips. Father went bananas but he got over it. Then proceeded to built it all up again and eventually had to go into care home.

Thanks! That's definitely confirmed my worst fears. I do always feel like I'm polishing a turd when I come to visit and wish I could turn the house upside and shake everything out. I'm going for quite a tough love approach and not let him get complacent. I just feel relieved when I go home (which isn't perfect by any means) but it's a space I have control over.

I'm sorry to hear this. Parents can be such a worry can't they.

Honestly he is 64 and works so could hire a cleaner.

I would help him get this organised if he agrees, get it to a state where the cleaner can come in then roll back what you are doing with respect to the cleaning and tidying and spend that time with him when you visit, that might positively impact his mental health and he may then feel more able to cope with these unfamiliar tasks.

If you want to help him with that process and for him to become more independent get him some laundry baskets and print and laminate instructions for what he needs to do. My DH has ASD and dyslexia, has poor time management and is disorganised. I had to do this previously as he could not create a list/plan for all the tasks that need doing. Spending the time to do this saved me repeating myself and he would then know what to do and get on with it without my constant input.

Please don’t let’s excuse it either say it’s MH issues. My Father much preferred to go out with friends then do anything round the house for years and years. We have a tendency now to not blame the person but it often is down to personal choices - sorry I honestly do…

I absolutely agree with you. I had quite a stern talk with my Dad and said about the state of the house and his excuse was not having time with work and also being ill for a week, being ill I understand. However he's always been like this so I said there's no such thing as 'not enough time' especially when he's self employed and choosing his own hours, he simply doesn't make it a priority. I said that to him and he didn't have an answer so I think he recognises it. But recognising and doing something about it is different.

Would dad consider downsizing to a flat, or somewhere easier to clean? My dear dad was widowed at 74 and had done very little around the house while mum was alive. I was amazed at how my dad got on with things and taught himself. I lived 100 miles away so was unable to help much.

I don't understand why it bothers you. People choose to live different ways. If you want to spend time with him when you visit rather than clearing up, do that. Unless I've missed something and he's asking you to do those things? If you don't like staying there, book a nearby hotel? Some people like to spend their time having a super tidy house and being 'house proud' resonates with them. Some don't. If he gets fed up of it presumably he'd be able to hire a cleaner without your input. It really seems like not my circus to me, unless there's something I'm missing.

I have a friend like this, early 70s, who's wife passed away 5 yes ago... 'stuff' has been building up ever since.. not a single bit of free surface area. The dining table is full of paperwork - don't even mention the garage!
He has more clothes, mainly t-shirts, that have never been worn.
Doing a charity bag is a drop in the ocean. He's retired, can cook a verity of food, plays golf and is very physically capable, until it comes to reducing the amount of stuff...
Right now he has lost something in the house, and has searched where he thinks he last saw it, but its like looking for a needle in a haystack - hopefully this may stir him into having a proper clear out so he knows where everything is.. but I think I'm kidding myself :(

Thanks, it's useful to have a different perspective. I think for my own mental health and wellbeing I do need to have some boundaries there. I think it's my own grief and also quite upsetting to see my own childhood home in such a state so I've semi stepped into my mum's role. But it's not my home anymore, I have my own home and own life. It's been difficult as neither of us spent much time together before Mum died so we're figuring that out as well.

@TheBlueRobin that all makes a lot of sense, and I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a way through together.

I go into a lot of elderly people's homes and there are no end of people like this, the difference being that they are usually in their seventies and eighties and it has clearly become even harder to cope with as they've got older even if they have maybe been like that their whole lives. The charity I work for has even set up a specific service to assist people with hoarding/ house clearing issues where the charity works with people to clear stuff.
I don't think there's much you can do . I'm sure if he is working full time, grieving for your mum etc he won't perhaps have the inclination right now to sort things but may do when he retires and has more time. I would not pressure him too much for now.

He is only 64 a (certainly not elderly) and coping with a significant loss.
Leave him to do it in his own way.

It seems as though he's not coping at all with the loss of your DM, which can be understandable. They've probably worked for years together with a plan in place with the things they'd do once they'd both retired.

I'd talk to him. Ask him what his plans are now for retirement? Is he planning on staying in the house or does he think it would make sense to move to somewhere more manageable whilst he's still fairly fit and young?

I'd also stop doing his business admin, I'm assuming your DM did it? I'd say that it's overtaking your time together and you want him to either do it or pay someone to do it for him so that you can both spend your time together doing more pleasant things.

When you're talking to him, I'd try and bring up whether he's willing to give you POA for health and finance and make a new will.

We had POAS for both DPs. I only had to use DFs in the last couple of weeks of his life at 87 and just about to start using DMs at 89. They're on of those things that you hopefully might not need for decades but are invaluable when you do.

I'd also rope on your DP. Maybe get him to have a bit of a chat and offer to help him sort out a system for his tools.

My DFIL won't take anything on board at all unless it's suggested by another Man.

*rope in

You can’t really do anything… you do plenty already for him. When you eventually (if you have kids) move on with your life you won’t have time

There's no incentive to change if you're running after him doing it all for him, he probably likes the attention in a way. His excuse is he's busy but why is he happy to let you drive all the way and spend your free time sorting shit out for him?

He's only 64. He can learn. Tell him you're not visiting to clean up after him and he needs to learn. I would print off and laminate and pin to a wall a chore chart. A minimalistic one, not a show home, he doesn't need to hoover every day when there's only one person there etc. The bare minimum that is manageable.

A small tabletop dishwasher would help. He doesn't need a big one for one person but a small tabletop one would be perfect.

His biggest thing will be learning to tidy up after himself, putting his things away. He'll learn or he won't, but you can't change that.

Prepare yourself for him starting dating soon

My dads the same albeit he's 20 yrs older, and not a widower. But he's been like that since his 50s. I've done v little cleaning as he doesn't want me to.
I've learned over the years that it is what it is.

How is your dad otherwise? Does he have outside interests / hobbies?

You say your mother contained your DF and was house proud.
Perhaps your DF didn't really like living in a clinical environment and is now turning it into how he likes it?
You say he does washing, and can change the bed. If he has clean clothes on the bedroom floor so what?
Perhaps he could get an accountant to help with the business side of things as he could get into real trouble there.
Other than that, I'd leave him to it. He's obviously still able if he's working a full time manual job. 64 isn't elderly!!

My Dad was the same at 64. Never changed, never learned to cook or organise the house. As the years went on the narrative has changed, he is getting elderly, he is too old for new skills etc. He is 20 years older now and it makes me absolutely furious that in his 60s when fit and healthy he made the choice to live this way (and yes it's a choice). My siblings and I have finally accepted we will have a horrendous job when he dies or goes into care. At the time I helped out a bit and offered to teach him stuff, but no way was I going to feed and clean for a 64 year old who was capable of holding a good job like he was some sort of child.

Clear away your things and your Mums things OP and in doing so you might be able to organise cupboards a bit with his input. That's all you can do. I don't think throwing his things out behind his back is OK.

I'm in the 'set your boundaries' camp.

I wouldn't do his business paperwork or his cleaning. That i can say i did myself - i would literally have hurt myself rather than go anywhere near my dad's business or finances, and I damn well wasn't going to spend my time off cleaning my dad's house when he was perfectly capable of doing it himself. I did give him money every month so he could have paid for a cleaner himself if he'd wanted to. I'm sorry but a 64 year old man holding down a full time physical job could learn basic cleaning.

If the state of the house depresses you, ask to meet him elsewhere and tell him that you prefer not to see the house like that. That I never managed to do, but I did just ignore the state of it. I discreetly (sort of) sat on my own coat rather than make direct contact with the sofa, and I chose drinks made with boiled water.

I agree with a pp that there is likely to be a new partner soon which may 'solve' the problem.

I just worry that as he gets older and less able this will only get worse

At 64 your father is likely many years away from actually being unable to care for himself. The level of involvement you have right now is way too intensive and causing you unnecessary stress.

It sounds like your mother kept a lovely home and I'm sure it's upsetting to see that your father simply isn't going to do that. But housework isn't rocket science and he will either figure it out or live with a level of messiness that you're not comfortable with. But that's the key - you don't live there; he does. Maybe he doesn't mind living with clutter. Many people don't prioritize housework.

So stop babying him. You've made suggestions and he's perfectly capable of following up on them if he wants to. Kindly, you are not responsible for your father. Companionship, company, moral support...that's where you come in. Life admin - he's capable of taking care of himself.