Dad's narrative that he 'barely sees me'

[WistfulDrinking]

Just a bit depressed about this. My dad has dementia and a persistent narrative that he 'barely sees me'. DH and I live at at a distance, but, for example, at Christmas we stayed with them for a week - on a broken bed in their filthy, hoarded house that they refuse any intervention with - just spoken with my sister and our week in their house is now 'they didn't even get out of the car'. My mum apparently just sits blankly and doesn't contradict this.

We stay with them, we take them out on day trips of their choice, but it seems not to be registering. Half the time my dad gets my sister and me mixed up, but it's always me he 'barely sees' not my sister.

Not expecting anything that can help, just wanted a bit of a moan.

Another voice telling you to be a bit wary of them visiting. From experience not being in a familiar environment can be difficult for them .

Their house is such a mess that any books or calendars would get lost in the general chaos, sadly. I usually find their wall calendar hasn't been turned to the right month.

I'll talk to my sister about possible issues with visiting. It's hard because I don't want it to sound to her as though I am shirking responsibility. It's true that changes to the norm throw my dad - when my mum was in hospital a couple of years ago (when he wasn't as bad as he is now) he kept ringing my sister and me at midnight and gone worried because she was 'missing'.

would they let you clear out / tidy up? It seems to make such a difference for us. I go regularly and jdeclutter so it’s easier for her to see / find stuff. Then it’s easier to keep clean too. The calendar doesn’t work for us either. We’ve got a clock with the day date and time .

Mum is good at using her calendar but if she turns a page to put in or check something for a later month she often forgets to turn it back and then thinks it's e.g. May or June instead of April.

I had quite a successful visit to dad with dementia quite recently because I stayed in a nearby pub / hotel and visited him in his sheltered housing flat where I went with him to his usual dementia group..then could escape back to the hotel when needed...

I'm not sure if he remembers it but I think it is better if you can keep to their routine.

Your DMs behaviour sounds a bit concerning, could she be depressed? Maybe you should encourage her to see the GP.

Another thing is maybe this is a way of him trying to communicate they need more help. He may resist it on one level but deep down knows its not right they are living in this environment and not coping.