Mum nearly 90 and so scared of dying

[izimbra]

My mum is 89, turning 90 in a week. She lives with my sister and is usually in reasonable health. She's very disabled through arthritis and her eyesight is poor, but she has a good appetite, cognitively pretty good, doesn't have chronic pain. My sister stuffs her with healthy food - vegetables, fish, pulses, fruit. Her younger and older sister have passed away in the past 4 years, and I credit her diet and my sister's care with my mum's continued good health.

About 12 days ago she picked up a bug and got very chesty. She's on her second course of antibiotics, is up, eating, her colour is ok, her voice is strong, but she's overwhelmed with fear that she could die any moment. I don't know what to say to her. I try to reassure her by pointing out that all her vital signs are good, that she's eating, she's up and about, but she just says 'I'm so scared, I feel terrible'. I think part of what's making her feel 'terrible' is constant fear.

The think is, at nearly 90 it's not unreasonable to expect that death might be round the corner, and I feel like a bit of a fraud not acknowledging this to her when she says it. I don't know how to comfort her. I just try to listen and then distract her with family gossip, but it makes me sad to think of her being scared. :-(

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any tips?

Can you talk to her GP? One of the doctors I worked with used to prescribe a small dose of anti anxiety medication for this kind of situation.

I would see whether she is less anxious once she is off her antibiotics. It maybe that contact with the doctor and being ill when she is normally healthy hasn't done her state of mind any good.

Sending a hug and a shrug. It’s pretty bonkers that a 90 year old can’t face the reality that they might be dying. But not uncommon. My Aunt was in a hospice dying of liver cancer and she was asking for car brochures (when they were still a thing) so that she could order a new car. She hadn’t driven for nearly a year at this point. I think be kind and loving as you have been. And possibly say ‘there’s nothing to be frightened about’ we are here and we love you. Can you talk to your sister about this?

My mum is similar, with a real fear of dying (at 88), and dementia, so even if you do a long explanation/jollying along, it's all forgotten after 3 minutes anyway. We've found that the best phrase to use is 'everybody dies mum - we're all going to sooner or later' and it seems to remind her of the actualities of life again. I'm a Christian, and she has a faith, but it doesn't help her when speaking about death sadly.

It’s a fair enough fear. My mum is ‘only’ 76 and says it too, my dad used to say it and say ‘you don’t randomly decide you’re ready to go!!’ (But he was dying of cancer at the time)

I remind her of all the videos on the news of spritely 105 and 103 year olds coming out of the hospital smiling and relieved after having Covid over the pandemic, the fact that my gm lived to 99 and say sure any of us can go at any time, something random might drop out of the sky and knock me down tomorrow! Then I change subject onto kids, weather/ book/film/ royal family/ politics Etc!

Nothing to add but sympathy.
My Mam refused treatment and help until it was too late and then was so angry there was nothing more to be done.

She raged against death and it was so sad and very hard.

My thoughts are with you.

This may sound odd but do you think it is partly fear of the unknown/lack of control? If so then might help to have an open conversation about what she would like if at some point it looks like the end is near. Who does she want there, would she want to go to hospital or stay home etc. Maybe she and you could have a conversation with a doctor so you can ask how best to make her comfortable?

Obviously it’s rare someone gets full control over how things go, but it might be less scary to have a plan - a bit like childbirth in that sense.

Any chance she could attend church?.

I found it quite a shock to discover that my very elderly relative was scared of death.

I guess I'd assumed that you would reconcile yourself when you got "old".

I think it's ok to jolly along in these circumstances "oh, you'll see us all out" etc, etc but also I think elderly people can suffer from situational anxiety and depression - why would they not? Especially if she's less able to do things to distract herself, so it might also be appropriate to talk about her worries if it would help her.

Relative was reconciled to dying in the end at over 100 and there was no fear.

i think this is really wise. If you've got time/are a reader, there's a book called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, which has a really helpful ''how to have these conversations" towards the end of the book. Just to give your mum a little more sense of control.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a hard reality.

Does she have a faith? This is when prayers etc can be really helpful and comforting.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I'll talk to my sister about the anti-anxiety meds and maybe she can suggest it to my mum's gp. My mum has never had counselling in her long life, but sometimes think she'd benefit from someone to talk to that she could just speak her mind to about this, someone who didn't respond by feeling the need to chivvy her out of it.

I know it bothers my sister, who is the one who has to deal with it most. My mum can be really difficult she's got a tendency to be very controlling, and it's been hard for them at time to share a home, but it's been the only option for both of them (sister is 60, no money, works part time as a teacher).

I think it's useful to remember that for many people you feel the same way inside rather than your age. You're still the same person. My Nan at age 90 said some days she felt 16, and that wasn't because of her body but her mind.

So why would we expect older people to be ok with dying just because they are closer to it?

OP, I think the fact you said your mum is controlling tells you she may be struggling with a situation she has no control over at all. If she has a faith might be worth asking vicar/priest or whoever to visit. Anxiety meds may help. If she can get out and about to see Spring arriving that may help (it helps my dad when he is feeling down at age 88).

No. We're all atheists.

That’s probably the problem. We’re spiritual beings. Her soul is craving / calling for something greater than herself

How is that helpful @Drench?

@izimbra I'm rapidly heading to 65, but I can assure you that I still don't feel 'old' or 'elderly'. My younger brother died very suddenly last year, which did make me suddenly have to consider the idea of death being 'near' - and it's not a good thing to have to think about. I doubt anyone (unless seriously/terminally ill) thinks it's a positive thing!

Agree with talking with your mum's GP to see if they can do anything about the anxiety. Otherwise all you can do is to constantly reassure her, as best you can.

Is it worth her talking to someone on silver line. https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/

Talking to someone different might be helpful to both your mum and your sister

"That’s probably the problem. We’re spiritual beings. Her soul is craving / calling for something greater than herself"

Unfortunately belief isn't a choice.

It's what you arrive at through your perception of reality (or more commonly through religious indoctrination from childhood, which none of us have been subject to).

I often wish I had the comfort of believing that the most important part of us will never die, but it's simply not a choice available for me or any of our family.

Thank you! I'll explore this.

What about discussing what you are planting in the garden/tubs this year for a nice show in the summer. Or asking what she has in mind. Places you are planning for a day out when the weather improves. Shopping for nice summer top/blouse for when it's a bit warmer as if she is definitely still going to be around and has things to look forward to.

Yes the problem is not believing in god. Nothing to do with being nearly 90, recently unwell and being afraid of becoming sicker and dying.

Fucking stupid comment

Hi OP It's interesting that she's just had a virus. The depression and feeling of doom sounds similar to how I felt after a nasty virus earlier this year. It could be temporary. Hopefully she can get out in the sunshine and her mood will lift.

Art, music, & nature is our big consolation as a family.

And I've been thinking about some things I can do with my mum to lift her spirits.

Yes to the gardening & buying something summery.

And maybe I'll see if I can get her to the theatre or a movie.

Her pride has stopped her using a wheelchair, which has put most activities that involve any walking beyond 100 yards or so out of reach. Might just force the issue on the wheelchair front and take her to the park, where she's not been for years.

In my mind once you reach 85 you are living from day to day.