My mum is 89, turning 90 in a week. She lives with my sister and is usually in reasonable health. She's very disabled through arthritis and her eyesight is poor, but she has a good appetite, cognitively pretty good, doesn't have chronic pain. My sister stuffs her with healthy food - vegetables, fish, pulses, fruit. Her younger and older sister have passed away in the past 4 years, and I credit her diet and my sister's care with my mum's continued good health.
About 12 days ago she picked up a bug and got very chesty. She's on her second course of antibiotics, is up, eating, her colour is ok, her voice is strong, but she's overwhelmed with fear that she could die any moment. I don't know what to say to her. I try to reassure her by pointing out that all her vital signs are good, that she's eating, she's up and about, but she just says 'I'm so scared, I feel terrible'. I think part of what's making her feel 'terrible' is constant fear.
The think is, at nearly 90 it's not unreasonable to expect that death might be round the corner, and I feel like a bit of a fraud not acknowledging this to her when she says it. I don't know how to comfort her. I just try to listen and then distract her with family gossip, but it makes me sad to think of her being scared. :-(
Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any tips?
Elderly parents
Mum nearly 90 and so scared of dying
izimbra · 26/03/2024 10:49
minipie · 26/03/2024 11:00
This may sound odd but do you think it is partly fear of the unknown/lack of control? If so then might help to have an open conversation about what she would like if at some point it looks like the end is near. Who does she want there, would she want to go to hospital or stay home etc. Maybe she and you could have a conversation with a doctor so you can ask how best to make her comfortable?
Obviously it’s rare someone gets full control over how things go, but it might be less scary to have a plan - a bit like childbirth in that sense.
Oleo24 · 26/03/2024 11:11
Does she have a faith? This is when prayers etc can be really helpful and comforting.
izimbra · 26/03/2024 11:58
No. We're all atheists.
Oleo24 · 26/03/2024 11:11
Does she have a faith? This is when prayers etc can be really helpful and comforting.
Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 26/03/2024 12:11
Is it worth her talking to someone on silver line. https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/
Talking to someone different might be helpful to both your mum and your sister
Drench · 26/03/2024 12:08
That’s probably the problem. We’re spiritual beings. Her soul is craving / calling for something greater than herself
izimbra · 26/03/2024 11:58
No. We're all atheists.
Oleo24 · 26/03/2024 11:11
Does she have a faith? This is when prayers etc can be really helpful and comforting.
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