Options for incontinent parent

[daydreamer45]

Hi, wondering if anyone here has any experience or knowledge of the following. My Mum is currently really struggling. She has Parkinson's and dementia and has started having bladder issues. She says she wants to go to the toilet then can't go, then wants to go 10 minutes later. She also sometimes wets herself and doesn't realise it has happened until she feels that she is wet. We have got her incontinence pants but she is stressed and anxious all the time. She lives in a house with the only bathroom upstairs and can't get there very quickly or unaided, she struggles with stairs and undressing so needs my Dad with her all the time. This is exhausting for them both and completely fills their day. There is no capacity to build a downstairs toilet and no private place for a commode. We are currently waiting for a bladder & bowel referral. Does anyone have any idea what her options may be? I don't think she will be a candidate for physio due to her dementia (struggles with simple exercise and has no concept of pelvic floor muscles) and is already on many medications. We don't really want her living upstairs permanently, it's not really possible as it means my Dad will need to be running up and down all day. Her GP has suggested a care home but surely they can't offer a 1 to 1 service where someone runs around after her all day? What do people do in this situation?

My mum has had Parkinsonism for ten years
She started with pads in her knickers due to accidents, we progresssed to Tena discreet knickers, now she has big pads from the incontinence nurse
My mum mentally is fully with it but has mobility issues so still gets the urge to go the toilet but can't get there on time though as times progrsssed she doesn't always know she has weed

You mentioned bed bound people, my mum is currently bed bound due to pressure sores incurred on a recent hospital stay. she is currently using slip pads which in effect are like adult nappies, she has carers 4 x a day to change her. hoping once the district nurses say she can start moving and get out of bed she can return to her previous pads but of course there's a risk she so won't walk again (her hospital stay was for an ankle break)

I would encourage you to speak to the incontinence service, they are great for my mum
Good luck

It's probably too late to get POAs for your DM but I would discuss getting both health and finance POAs with your DF.

I would ask your DM's GP for a medication review for her and a referral to the Continence Nurse/Team. Your DM might benefit from some anti anxiety medication if she's getting very stressed over this and some advice from the continence nurse could be useful.

If there's no private place for the commode downstairs, can you DF draw the curtains? My elderly DA had to have a commode on the lounge got a few weeks after a fall and this is how they coped.

I'd be worried about your DF taking her upstairs so often, it sounds like they are both at risk of falling.

I would ask for a Carer's Assessment for your DF, he must be utterly exhausted and a Care Needs Assessment for your DM. Just make sure you're there for the appointments as your DPs are not likely to explain the full extent of their problems.

Is your DF in touch with the local Carer's Group? My DFIL found our local one very helpful once he finally got in touch.

@FredaFox my mum is currently in hospital and is virtually bedbound. Does your own mum have anyone with her at night to help her at all?

She has carers 4 x a day, daily district nurses and tbh I've been there but I did go home this weekend for 2 nights, I am comfortable leaving her now.
When she first came out if hospital at Christmas I was getting up in the night turning her over in bed but as the sores are improving I don't need to
We've only gone to private care 2 weeks ago and they are great. District nurses think she will be back to sitting in her recliner by May so it's not a quick fix

Thank you @FredaFox

Hi, I have been caring for the elderly for more than 20 years, day and live in support. Incontinence is tricky, especially in the early stages. You have probably tried various options. The pull up pants work well initially but high absorbency insert nappy style will prevent getting wet or leaking which will help with stress. Your local authority may supply? Also as in previous replies, drinking enough is always a problem. UTI can cause delirium and agitation. Has an Occupational therapist been to do an assessment? Is a stair lift an option?They will provide all equipment free. A care home isn't your only option, support can be provided at home. It's finding what works for all of you. Happy to chat.

Hi, just wanted to post an update on this in case it helps anyone else. The bowel & bladder nurse was great, really helpful. She has arranged for Mum to have pants delivered (she's allocated 2 pairs per day) which, as a previous person mentioned, really helped with the anxiety of "going". Also, because the nurse said she had to use them, she felt a lot better than us making the decision for her. The house set up is still awful but I can't make 2 people change their ways after all these years so we are making do as best we can. Mum recently had a spell of 4 weeks totally upstairs as she couldn't manage walking. We are now managing to get her down a bit but we have a set up that works upstairs if needed. My parents hate change and won't tolerate anything major but babysteps seems to be the way to go to make sure they are ok and I'm not completely frazzled!! Thanks for all the great advice.