Parents not accepting help, even though they need it

[Tricyrtis2022]

There is an ongoing situation with my parent. DF (87) has little remaining mobility. DM (73) has issues with arthritis in her knees, back and hands. DF was having falls years ago but they now happen more often and DM cannot lift him herself. They need help, but seem reluctant to accept most of it. We offered a ramp to make it easier with DF's wheelchair, but this has been rejected. Most things are rejected. They are struggling so much - I see my DM limping and DF barely able to shuffle from his armchair to wheelchair, that with the aid of his Zimmer frame, and I feel so frustrated. I don't know how they can continue for much longer and another crisis seems inevitable.

Is anyone else in this position?

But when she chooses the delivery slot, instead of picking a sensible time during the day when she is usually awake and either: A - a time when one of her carers is there, or B - checking with DH when he can juggle his work so he can be there, she books it for the crack of dawn because it is cheaper Can they get a delivery pass? For an annual payment, they get free choice of all the slots. If they’re doing a weekly shop, it works out much cheaper.

70 seems to be the age it starts in earnest for most people In my peer group (mainly fit outdoorsy types) it’s nearer 80. There seems to be a definite and rapid decline, and the person themself starts talking about themself as old and mortal rather than young, invincible and immortal.

I know a lot of elderly people, as well as living next to a retirement community, and in the last year or so, a lot of people aged 85-87 have died. It's been noticeable.

My dad is 87 too and regularly talks about not having long to live and how he's appalled to have reached that age, because it's so crap. Then again, when he was in hospital after yet another fall recently, he complained about being put on a geriatric ward 'with a lot of old men'.

My husband's parents died at 86 and 97 (and his mother had dementia for the last few years). I've already outlived both my parents, who died at 58 (heart) and 71 (cancer), and my last aunt just died at 96. Realistically we know we've got maybe 20 years if we're lucky, in which we're likely to be pretty limited for the last 5-10.

It makes me very conscious of wanting to cram travelling in now - we had a long trip to the UK, Greece and Venice this year, and I want to go back to France next year. Going to England to see my kids will become more difficult eventually but so far not a problem and I am heading over for a month in February/March. They, of course, can't afford to sacrifice all their holiday budgets and time just to pop across the Atlantic to see me casually. One thing you do have when you get to our age is time, ironically.

I have absolutely no urge to travel. Though that's maybe because I've moved around most of my life, including half a decade or so living and working aborad. When I retire in nine years time, I intend to spend the rest of my life pottering around my house and garden, with the occasional walk in the woods. I love pottering, me.

Okay, a positive development. A while back someone offered us the use of an electric wheelchair that his partner no longer needed. We wiped it down and charged it up, tested it and then took it to the parents. It worked really well to start with, my dad was getting himself about in the house and was able to get to the living room from the kitchen for the first time in nearly two months. Then, once everyone said how great it was, it stopped bloody working. It turns out that they need charging every couple of months or the battery degrades and this one had been stored for two or three years with nothing being done. Massive disappointment all round.

Anyway, we've bitten the bullet and ordered them a new one, with express delivery. Going up tomorrow to take delivery and make sure all is okay. Parents are actually thrilled, which is lovely. DM will be able to use it as well, which will ease her painful knees.

@pike, I could have written your post myself!

Given the choice, I would move to Norfolk or Suffolk and spend my time rummaging about on beaches and field walking.

I guess we all do things that are important to us. I've always loved to travel and visit new places.

I suppose it’s unlikely if they are resistant but would they move? I’m very lucky in that my parents (dad 80 mum 77) are realistic and determined to be independent as long as possible. They downsized to a bungalow a few years ago and the change in them was massive. They are no longer rattling round a big house full of memories, it’s compact and easy to keep on top of. They made an effort to integrate into the local area and go to clubs (which they never would have in the old familiar area.) They also had a huge clear out, it’s like a weight was lifted. Would they consider a move? It may make a big difference especially with those steep ramps.

They won't move, no. They absolutely love the tiny village they live in and the close network of neighbours. I don't think there are any bungalows there they could move to either, even if they were persuaded. Everyone in the family would like them to move to a more practical house, but they won't. They both grew up in villages but spent most of their adult lives living in towns, which neither of them ever liked, so where they are now is a dreamworld to them.

On a positive note, the powered wheelchair has gone down a storm and they're over the moon with it.

That's good news.

PaBint spent 20 years talking about downsizing to a nice practical bungalow. Never did it.

Yes it is, Bint! My dad can now get himself from room to room downstairs without help, which is a really big deal for him.

I think, in their view, they have downsized. The house they were in before, where they brought up children from their previous marriages, plus two more they had together, was quite big. The issue is that the house they're in now, albeit smaller, is not at all practical for their needs.

Exactly this. Have been in the same position and this is so true.

Tri if there's any money available, it might be worth their while to get an architect or a consultant in who can recommend changes to make daily life more manageable for them. I say this because my husband is an architect and that's what we've done with our house with an eye to the future. That might feel more like taking control and making their own decisions to them.

Good idea, Brit, but they don't have that kind of money. Also, the house is very old and listed and they've needed planning permission to even put new beams in.

Thank you for suggesting it, but this wasn't about the money, it was really about her inability to comprehend that these things have a knock-on effect on other people, and that she often unwittingly causes severe inconvenience to family members.

She has always wanted to be in her own home for as long as possible, but there has been a recent rapid decline and we are currently just going from day to day.

This is all so familiar. We have had to use the threat of going into care as in,if yiu want to continue living here on your own then you have to have x,or you won't be able to. It feels a cruel thing to do but its the only way to get through to her. We've had a lot of help fromOTs and Social Work,who are coming out again tomorrow to reassess. Its very hard.

Thank you for suggesting it, but this wasn't about the money I’m sorry I didn’t make my point clear - a delivery pass would remove her perceived need to book it for the crack of dawn because it is cheaper - all slots would be listed at £0. That would remove one way in which she caused knock on effects,

We haven't reached that stage yet, thank heavens, but if going into care was suggested I'm pretty certain it would be refused. My dad is as mulish as it gets and DM backs him up in almost everything. While she can still stand herself, she'll be at his side.