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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Should I clean my parents house?

31 replies

chosenone · 10/08/2022 10:46

Its a hovel! I've posted about it before. I am low contact for a myriad of reasons and rarely go to their house due to the state of it, they know this and because 'they're happy enough' and are not bothered. Both early 70s.

There are a lot of issues with my parents, both have health issues and DM is mostly housebound and self neglects. My DB lives with them and is a live in carer for them. He will tell me he's done a 'big clean' when he has wiped some crumbs on the floor and hoovered down the middle of the living room. The reason this has come up again is because they are all away and I'm feeding their cat (no one else to do it, won't ask neighbours because of the mess).

I came back yesterday in tears as it was that bad, filthy pots left all over with flies buzzing round, grease and grime all over the kitchen, the floor littered with old socks, broken biscuits, paperwork. Piles of clutter everywhere. I said to DH I should really have a go at cleaning it whilst they're away ( I've paid for a deep clean twice since lockdown!)

DH is absolutely adamant that I shouldn't be spending my time cleaning their mess when they're not bothered. My DM can't really do much. DF and DB are big drinkers and it looks like a drinkers hovel tbh. They are 3 unhappy people who don't face their problems, all have addiction issues, hence the low contact but this pig sty has really got to me.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 10:48

I'd contact social services instead.

GreenManalishi · 10/08/2022 10:50

This is not your responsibility. This is three adults making their own choices, you don't have to fix it, or control it.

Namechangehereandnow · 10/08/2022 10:51

Definitely do NOT clean the house … agree with poster above - contact SS.
There are 3 adults living in the house, let them sort their own mess. Even if you cleaned it, it would be back to square one in no time.

Easywhenyouknowit · 10/08/2022 10:59

Poor cat! Flies will lay eggs in their food and it can be dangerous (happens in our cat dish sometimes and I am emptying and washing it daily!)

However, if you have already paid for deep cleans and they still haven’t taken the trouble to clean then I doubt you cleaning now will achieve much. SS won’t really do much either. An alcoholic relative was pretty much living in a pig sty (despite us cleaning every week to try to keep on top of it) and SS assessed for a carer but didn’t comment on the state of the place. All the carer did was come in and heat a microwave meal/make a sandwich. They don’t even report back the filth/mouldy dishes/food or whatever. The attitude was ‘we see people living in all sorts of conditions. It’s up to them how they want to live’ so, unless they are extreme (bottles of urine/faeces in bags or the bath or whatever) then they won’t do anything.

Hohofortherobbers · 10/08/2022 10:59

I wouldn't do it without their permission. Would they agree to allowing you to maybe just keep the kitchen clean going forwards, maybe even pay you to clean it weekly. My dm is no housekeeper and I found it uncomfortable to be in her unclean house. We have an agreement now, I clean it and she pays me, she wouldn't want a cleaner but is happy for me to keep on top of things. The arrangement suits us both and helps our relationship as I feel happier to be in her home.

Original poster

chosenone · 10/08/2022 11:02

Thanks I was feeling sad about it, but I also recognised FOG in my reactions.

I did a social care referral 2 years ago and they offered help then and DM refused it. So hopefully they're on the books.

OP posts:

AreolaGrande · 10/08/2022 11:03

Don't do it OP.

Those posters saying to call SS. I can assure you that they will do sweet fuck all for three adults with mental capacity choosing to live in filth. The most they'll do is give them some info on hiring a cleaning service, something that they can look up themselves or with OP's help.

Is getting a deep clean and following up with a regular cleaner an option financially for your parents and DB, OP?

REP22 · 10/08/2022 11:04

Sadly, any efforts (and hard efforts at that) you make to clean will probably be met with anger, even rage, and accusations of "interfering". That's my experience of these things. "It's the way we liked it", denial that there's anything wrong, "It's only a bit scruffy", and rapid undoing of all your cleaning work are probable likely responses.

But I do feel your distress. It's awful and you have my every sympathy. It's no way to live, not even for the poor cat.

I would take as many pictures as you can, and send them to Social Services.

(Also - are they council/housing association/private tenants? You could try contacting them to assist with getting some support, although that may backfire and cause problems, but I think some HA's offer support for people with hoarding and other issues).

Ultimately, though, if they are all deemed to have capacity then there may not be anything you or anyone can do. Sadly we can't stop people making choices like this, even bad choices. In that case, maybe all you can do is to step back a bit, for your own sake.

There might be some helpful guidance here: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

I'm really sorry. Best wishes to you. x

AreolaGrande · 10/08/2022 11:07

The council (SS, housing or environmental health) will do NOTHING for hoarding unless the problem is so severe that it is physically encroaching on and causing issues for neighbouring properties.

Hoarding clearance will be expected to be self funded.

I wish people actually knew what they were talking about when they suggest social services as some sort of miracle answer to these issues.

CountFoscoslittlewhitemice · 10/08/2022 11:11

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 10:48

I'd contact social services instead.

What are social services going to do, force them to clean up? They are adults, have capacity and are not yet a danger to themselves or others.

Ex social worker of 30 years.

vroom321 · 10/08/2022 11:13

Why is your brother presumably receiving the caring allowance when he isn't helping?

Original poster

chosenone · 10/08/2022 11:16

They own the house and get various disability benefits. My DF clearly spends too much cash on drink. DM likes ready meals from M&S and sees food as her only vice, so they won't pay for a cleaner. She is registered blind so can't see how bad it is, the others can though. I was hoping SS would help DM with washing herself tbh. I am going to sort the cat out and throw away some of the rotting food and that's it. Its upsetting me and if they're not bothered/can't cope then that's up to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

chosenone · 10/08/2022 11:19

vroom321 · 10/08/2022 11:13

Why is your brother presumably receiving the caring allowance when he isn't helping?

He is a whole other story! Only ended up living with them as he narrowly avoided Prison. Lots of mental health issues. He does the heavy lifting with DM and takes her out and about in her wheelchair, he does the shopping and he does the bare minimum of cleaning. Its like they can't 'see' it. He thinks I'm a snob.

OP posts:

Chdjdn · 10/08/2022 11:23

No, if they wanted it clean there’s several ways they could keep it clean (keep on top of it after you paid for deep cleans, have a cleaner, get your brother to do more). It will be back to the same within a week

vroom321 · 10/08/2022 11:24

@chosenone What an awful situation for you. Sorry.

SnowdaySewday · 10/08/2022 11:36

If the adults have capacity and are all living like that of their own free will, then SS can't do anything.

If the place is so cluttered that it is a fire risk, look at their local fire service's website as they may be able to offer advice or a safety check visit.

Rockfacesensodyne · 10/08/2022 11:40

Awful situation but I would ignore for my own state of mind

Original poster

chosenone · 10/08/2022 11:43

Yes thanks all. I just wanted some support that swooping in and helping wasn't fair on me and I will try and broach the subject with them on their return.

OP posts:

Rapidtango · 10/08/2022 11:47

Chosenone, I understand why you feel you need to give the place a deep clean - it's awful seeing people living this way when you don't yourself, because it's obviously difficult to understand why your family seem OK living in a dirty, smelly, cluttered environment.

You spend time cleaning and tidying, they don't appreciate it, and the house is back to square one within a few weeks.

Try and step away, it's not your responsibility, even if you feel as though it is.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 11:57

They are adults, have capacity and are not yet a danger to themselves or others.

I'd argue that someone living in that condition does not have capacity. Her parents are physically incapable and all 3 of them have addiction issues that result in self-neglect.

She also said social services have previously offered support.

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/08/2022 11:58

What an awful situation for you.

Like others have said, they have capacity and are choosing to live this way.

If you do want to do anything I'd clean the cat's things so that it isn't suffering but really, none of this is your responsibility

CountFoscoslittlewhitemice · 10/08/2022 12:01

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 11:57

They are adults, have capacity and are not yet a danger to themselves or others.

I'd argue that someone living in that condition does not have capacity. Her parents are physically incapable and all 3 of them have addiction issues that result in self-neglect.

She also said social services have previously offered support.

They have capacity to say no to support.
Lack of capacity has a very high threshold. The way they are living is currently their choice.

StopStartStop · 10/08/2022 12:01

My dad is older - now 90 - and when i cleaned his house for him last year, I intended to finish in a few weeks and him to get back to keeping up with the housework himself.

No.

I am now his carer.

One person is enough to 'care' for. Don't take on three.

TokyoTen · 10/08/2022 13:50

I think you're right to not swoop in and do the cleaning. For one reason they need to get arrangements in place to take care of themselves, obviously you could help with the arrangements but you are signing up for years of drudgery if you take it on. Secondly, if you do it and chuck some stuff out (which by the sounds of it would be reasonable) you really run the risk of them not being rational about it and then really getting it in the neck from them! I helped my own parents with a clean (at their request several years ago) but apparently got rid of some things that were still useful (think ragged bits of towel that had poo on them!). So I'd back off for those 2 reasons.

Thelittleweasel · 10/08/2022 14:02

@chosenone

Things are very difficult I know. Please see these links. Many many years ago a dear friend was threatened by the council in London on the grounds that the house was unsafe due to hoarding [in London]. A group of six of us got together and over a period of 6 weeks cleared all to the tip. Three months later it was as bad as ever. Councils now - I believe - will do what they call "Blitz cleans" at cost to householder.

www.safeguardingcambspeterborough.org.uk/adults-board/cpsabprocedures/hoarding/

The Care Act 2014 recognises hoarding as one of the manifestations of self-neglect and requires all public bodies to safeguard people at risk. To deal with the risks effectively requires a collaborative and integrated approach between agencies.

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