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Elderly parents
Original poster

Note to GP?

43 replies

Wombat27A · 14/06/2022 17:36

I've posted before under a different name and found the replies very helpful.

My Mil has been asked to go see the GP for the first time since moving back to our local town. Fil had finally written to them but we don't know what he actually said. He's definitely struggling now but wanted to sort out the house first...they'd moved back near us, after moving away...

Anyway, my question is should we drop a line to the GP before the appointment with our observations? Or is that interfering? DH has POA but with no assessment of capacity, is it overstepping? The GPs are actually our GPs too.

Background is that Mil has refused any care for the last 3 years but is now physically poorly and very confused. Been forgetful for at least 7 years.

OP posts:
DrFlorence · 09/07/2022 09:14

Glad you have support of GP

As your DH has LPa Heath and welfare (have I understood that right?) but not DFIL , then if she lacks capacity it is your DH her son that makes the decisions in her best interests on her behalf. He needs DFIL to cooperate so it's a negotiation but ultimately DH decides. His mum trusts him that's why she gave him LPA for her. It's a responsibility & a duty. That's what I'd remind DFIL of, and involve him in support planing

Get DH to chat to the GP- of course you can write to GP anytime listing out symptoms or things you have noticed. If he didn't have LPA h&w or mum has capacity and said don't tell my son, then GP would record the letter as intelligence from family but not involve DH. But it mum lacks capacity then the LpA h&W decides - and it is decision and time specific- so for eg decisions on care support fall more under adult social care , decision s about medical treatment fall under GP etc. so those professionals when assessing would look at capacity assessment too.

Make sure Gp (& if social care are involved then them too) have copies (you can email a scan) of the full LpA health and welfare.

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/07/2022 11:09

So glad the GP has been and done an assessment Flowers

Original poster
Wombat27A · 15/10/2022 15:32

I'm after some more thoughts on what to do after seeing MiL this am.

The memory clinic is taking a while over the referral and meanwhile MiL's physical issue, the dodgy knee is getting very much worse and is affecting her back and mobility.

FiL has been in for a knee replacement and she's not actually registering that particularly, so every time we mention knee, she says hers hurts but it's only been a couple of days and it'll get better. She thinks it's only a day since she went out walking it's getting on for 6 months.

No carers in place but we have managed to claim AA as of this week.

DH and BiL have been encouraging her to seek help but she knocks it back. I tried this morning but she's very resistant.

GP has acknowledged it's difficult (we had to see her as DH had a fit) and is chasing the memory clinic.

Can we actually do anything further if she's refusing to go see anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wombat27A · 28/04/2023 11:22

I did finally write a note to the GP about this as things haven't improved.

Bless her, she rang up late on a Friday night and talked it all through with DH. Nope, nothing we can do if the in-laws are not wanting to engage with services.

FiL is going into hospital for a couple of days shortly, so DH will go look after her and we can have a think about things after that. BiL can't really help this time as he has his hands full with SiL needing radiotherapy at the same time.

I'm possibly talking to myself here but it's helpful, nevertheless. :-)

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 28/04/2023 11:42

Has your MIL been seen by the memory clinic yet? TBH, my mum (who had dementia) and my dad never wanted to engage with anything, and mum never really knew she had dementia. It took a crisis for dad to accept help and it was mainly as I was too far away to do hands on help.
Trying to get your MIL to engage with things is, to be absolutely frank, not worth chasing at all. Its FIL who is your blocker here, and his upcoming hospital stay gives your DH the in that he needs to push the subject of some paid help (assuming they have some funds?) - a cleaner is an easy win as your DH can say he needs the help, FIL can't be cleaning and no one else is available. Then they can do their first cleans while DH is in charge and MIL can get used to them while he is there.
How is the medication doing? Do they both have dosset boxes from the pharmacy?

PermanentTemporary · 28/04/2023 12:03

I'd agree that getting specific small task help regularly may be a way forward - cleaner is the obvious place to start, one that will do ironing and changing the bedlinen.

I would also make sure that the doctor looking after FIL knows what physical tasks your FIL has to do at home. See if they will refer him to occupational therapy before discharge.

PermanentTemporary · 28/04/2023 12:07

I have to say that I'm not sure myself exactly what your MIL needs and what gaps your FIL is covering. Not that you have to go into the detail here.

Also... this isnt straightforwardly fixable. Dont feel bad if it's messy and it looks like they are struggling- they know it, and I don't think they're actually wrong to prefer it to the alternative. You don't HAVE to 'sort this' because most of it is unsortable. Is someone making you feel that you should?

Original poster
Wombat27A · 28/04/2023 12:52

The issue here is that there is no actual crisis currently but it's a hard watch.

I'm worried it is benign neglect as Fil is managing all the practical stuff but not really understanding the symptoms or brst practice in managing them.

He's a very strong character. Mil isn't easy & I suspect she defaults to no as its quicker than discussing things, stuff being arranged quickly & then getting overwhelmed.

She hasn't been to the memory clinic as she saw the referral letter & cancelled the appointment. She can't use the phone, he rang the number for her...

OP posts:
Original poster
Wombat27A · 28/04/2023 12:55

And yes, I have my own, fairly difficult DM voicing her opinion about what I should do.

She's also in a right state & saying she's leaving her insoluble issues for me to sort. 😁

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PermanentTemporary · 29/04/2023 20:44

I did wonder... my dm always had strong views on what was going wrong in other areas of the family and it took me a long time to see that hers wasn't the only possible view! Sounds like you're there a lot earlier than I managed...

I remember there was a stage when my mum had ample mental strength to frustrate or cancel any plan, but none at all to carry one out. God that was a tough period. Along with an iron determination to stay in control. Tbh it's impossible to fix and with hindsight I honestly wish we hadn't tried most of the time.

Original poster
Wombat27A · 30/04/2023 00:06

I think that's actually the crux, perfectly put & very helpful. Thank you.

She's well enough to protest loudly but is actually completely helpless.

Seriously thinking of booking some therapy. 🙂

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Original poster
Wombat27A · 08/08/2023 16:51

I thought I would pop in and update this thread as it's helpful for me to see timelines as I'm timeblind.

BiL is visiting next weekend. It will be interesting to see what he thinks.

We have been very busy with our own issues and FiL has recovered well from his knee ops, so we're back to a steady state. The only thing that's changed is the MiL is no longer going for any tests, eg routine blood tests.

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Original poster
Wombat27A · 25/11/2023 20:00

Wee update, Mil has had another assessment for referral.

We wrote a note to the GP, who organised a home visit and for once, Fil didn't cancel it or provide any resistance. :-)

OP posts:
PokeyLaFarge · 25/11/2023 20:08

Sadly, it won't change until there is a crisis :(

You just have to watch and wait til the wheels fall off

No harm in having plans/contact details for support services on hand though

Original poster
Wombat27A · 26/11/2023 19:23

We had the crisis but in my family. It seems to have concentrated FiL's mind as he's realised we may have other priorities than waiting for the shoe to drop. Plus a carehome manager also wrote to him about why getting a diagnosis was required. Fantastic letter.

But I have to say the other crisis did highlight how bad MiL is now...

OP posts:
Original poster
Wombat27A · 16/01/2024 19:19

Well, after a few ups and downs, the local CMHT may have diagnosed Mil, after the GP was very helpful.

Ironically, mostly by letter!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wombat27A · 27/06/2024 14:24

Quick update and a question...mainly question for those with experience of dementia progression...

Once Mil doesn't get up much in the daytime, what happens?

I'm assuming she's going to go off her legs? She's not great but has been ok.

But she's recently started not getting up until very late in the day, I assumed she wasn't going to bed early but she is. This seems to be the thing that's finally got to Fil and he's now contemplating getting a carer in but still thinks it's for social reasons. I think Mil needs personal care but no-one listens to me.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/06/2024 15:22

My own experience is that, although not gettingbup much does make people more vulnerable to infections, the progression may go on being quite slow. My dm has been completely bedbound for periods of time but then will start to be sat out in a chair again. She hasn't stood at all since December 2022 though.

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