Anyone successfully done the ‘time to downsize’ conversation?

[SockFluffInTheBath]

Just that really. Pondering taking this on and tips would be appreciated please.

PIL are in their 80s with a big old house and an acre or so of garden. They’ve not been having visitors because of Covid and when we were allowed in recently I was shocked at the state of the house. They need a cleaner, a decorator, and maybe a builder. DH did some repairs to the extension roof but it needs more. Between him and BIL they already do the lawns and hedges, tree surgeon coming out to go the big stuff. They refuse to have anyone in (tree surgeon is only allowed because of structural damage to the house.

They live nearby and popping prescriptions and milk in is one thing but neither of us are going to take on sorting and running their house. How does DH broach the idea of downsizing?

[jackstini]

@WhatHaveIFound - have you looked into a disabled facilities grant to get them a downstairs bathroom? (if they will need one permanently)
It doesn't get them move but might take away one problem
www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants

[3peassuit]

I’m the parent in this situation. We live in a house far too big for our needs and costs a fortune to maintain with a large garden that’s crying out for children to enjoy. We are still driving but should that change we would be well and truly stuck. I would downsize tomorrow but DH insists that the only way he’s leaving will be in a box. Any tips on how I can get to change his mind would be much appreciated.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

I never did and it was too late by the time my DM needed single floor living. No downstairs bathroom or way of creating one in a hurry, cluttered to the brim so she went in a nursing home which actually turned out to be an excellent move. I got her in one in the same village so that dad could get to see her easily even if he had to give up driving. They both benefited from the social life up there, saw couples and old friends they hadn't seen for years as illnesses and frailty had made it too difficult and had a great time until covid and the home was locked down. They had lovely home made cakes every day which seemed to encourage visitors lol. Mum died sept 2020.

[SeaToSki]

We have managed it but by the skin of our teeth. I think it was me trying to see it through their eyes that made it possible in the end. Elderly people often have greatly reduced mental processing speeds so find it very difficult to think things through at the same speed as us and hold multiple concepts in their minds at the same time. so you have to take on thing at a time, and slowly.
when thinking about moving house the mental hill to climb becomes immense, so instead of tackling the problem, many older people become stubborn and just say I wont move..its not because they want to stay necesarily, its because they cant work out how to move in their own minds.
We started by not even mentioning moving, we helped them sort their stuff with the idea of making cleaning easier. Some stuff was boxed and put tidily in the attic, some was given to gc (or boxed and sent to their houses for their later use). Some stuff was donated for needy people. Some stuff was ‘donated ’ ..to the dump…. Some stuff was sent to be repaired but then was found to be ‘unrepairable’ (3 hoovers) so wasnt returned.
Once the house was emptier, we talked them into a one time clean to freshen it up. This was so successful that we talked them into a monthly clean for ‘the big things’ and we went to take them out for the day while it happened. We also helped them write a list of what they wanted done on the big clean (as that was too much to process)
We then talked them in to ‘shutting down’ a couple of rooms in the house to simplify. So then that stuff got packed up and stored. At this point they were just living in 3/4 rooms so then when we started to chat about how nice it would be to live in the town center close to us, it seemed like it was possible for them (in their minds) to achieve it. They had also seen us helping them over the years, so really knew they could lean on us to just ‘get stuff done’. It was like their brains knew they could just hand over the reins safely.
we also got POA done along the way-with healthcare as well as finances. We talked about what they wanted at their funerals and how much life extending care they wanted if they were ill. This was all done from the attitude of making it easy for us in a time when we would be upset.
It was a long long term process, but is working out (ish) for the moment

[SockFluffInTheBath]

@SeaToSki that’s fantastic. Sounds so obvious when you see it written down like that 😁 I think it might be a good plan of attack for PIL house- they have piles (I mean many big piles) of newspapers, vhs (no tape player), billions of ornaments… I’ve said to DH I’m not going in cleaning purely because there is so much crap it would take all day and I would be lucky to get half of it done, I’m not losing my entire weekends to cleaning someone else’s house. If the clutter was gone it would be so much faster.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

You may find they don’t have piles of newspapers and VHS, they may have lots of information that must be preserved. There are places that’ll take VHS tapes and transfer the contents to DVD or other much more compact form. Good idea too as media deteriorate, so makes sense to transfer contents before that happens

[SockFluffInTheBath]

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation they’re old films (some never watched but ‘donated’ to them by other relatives when clearing their own tat out) and children’s programmes- keeping for the great-grandchildren (my DC are 15 and 16) 😱 we’ve already had their wedding video transferred to dvd. The newspapers, well I really don’t know other than being kept for fire lighting in winter (do they could go out in a box in the shed). Need to ask. I’m going over to assault the weeds this weekend and plant some annuals, and I plan to try a gentle ‘clear some stuff to make it easier to clean’ chat.

[declutteringmymind]

I had to be blunt with my MIL.
I told her gently that if she moved now she has a lot more options and autonomy rather than her sons having to choose for her when the house wasn't right for her needs. The house wasn't adaptable to her needs and too far away from her favourite son.

She moved a year later.

[MakingNBaking]

I've had to do it twice with ILs.
Once when FIL died and MIL was left in a countryside bungalow with no family within three hours.
Then again, 20 years later, when the house she'd moved to became j unsuitable. Now she's in a retirement flat and loving it.
It helped that all her dc were singing from the same hymn sheet. It took time, clever little remarks (just enough to start her thinking) and a lot of pretending everything was her idea in the first place.
She's also fairly comically financially naive - she pays a whacking monthly service charge in her flat but that includes her heating so she thinks she's getting a bargain. And because she's 'not paying for it' (🙄) she lives in a tropical rainforest climate, 28 degrees all the way! Mind you, the company, the helpline, the activities in the communal lounge, fish n chips on a Friday night, the general peace of mind the rest of us have, that's all well worth the monthly service charge.

[Solasum]

My father passed recently, at home, a full ten years after I suggested that perhaps if they really were going to insist on staying where they were, they should consider some adaptations to the downstairs that would make a downstairs wet room and kitchenette possible, which they ignored.

this meant for the last month of his life he could only wash with flannels, and had to use a commode, which he hated.

some possible ammunition for those with parents rurally; what would happen if you need district nurses to come in? My father’s final days (15 mins from a hospital) would have been far far worse had the district nurses been further away and not been able to get to him quickly to give him pain relief, within 30 mins every time.
he collapsed once and had to wait 9 hours for an ambulance, lying on the floor as my elderly mother and equally elderly neighbour could not move him. It is unlikely the situation will improve ambulance wise in the coming years.
He fell also trying to go to the bathroom in the night and again had to lie on cold floor unable to move until nurses could rescue him. He was extremely lucky that this didn’t land him back in hospital. It is much harder to get the hospital to agree to discharge if the home is very unsuitable. In the end my father was stuck in one room only.

Once a suitable amount of time has passed, I am going to attempt to have the conversation again with my mother.

Good luck to all facing this