Anyone successfully done the ‘time to downsize’ conversation?

[SockFluffInTheBath]

Just that really. Pondering taking this on and tips would be appreciated please.

PIL are in their 80s with a big old house and an acre or so of garden. They’ve not been having visitors because of Covid and when we were allowed in recently I was shocked at the state of the house. They need a cleaner, a decorator, and maybe a builder. DH did some repairs to the extension roof but it needs more. Between him and BIL they already do the lawns and hedges, tree surgeon coming out to go the big stuff. They refuse to have anyone in (tree surgeon is only allowed because of structural damage to the house.

They live nearby and popping prescriptions and milk in is one thing but neither of us are going to take on sorting and running their house. How does DH broach the idea of downsizing?

[Museumland]

I had that conversation with my parents they both agreed and I spent months finding suitable places with options for assisted living. Basically they had initially agreed to placate me but had absolutely no intention of moving. Sorry...

[BigSandyBalls2015]

It’s very difficult. My in laws are struggling yet
close down every conversation about moving. They have no downstairs loo.

They are also in their 80s and I think it’s too late to downsize by then, it’s too much of an upheaval.

I do think it’s actually quite selfish to leave it this late. It becomes a huge worry for their DCs.

My mum moved from our family house soon after we left and bought a bungalow in her 60s.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

There’s a theme here of retiring to the countryside! I can see why it sounds like a good idea but the reality of non-existent or rubbish public transport, no deliveroo (sort of option of one hot meal a day), and no decent facilities is actually pretty grim when you’re unable to drive.

Yes there's no way I'm moving to a rural location. I quite like being able to walk to the shops/pubs/cafes/restaurants & library. There's a very active community here and regular buses to the Hospital. Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement.

My DPs decided to downsize and chose a complex about half a mile from where they lived with local shops and takeaway nearby abs a regular bus service. So, so glad they did as they were beginning to struggle and wouldn't entertain having a gardener.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

They are also in their 80s and I think it’s too late to downsize by then, it’s too much of an upheaval. Not necessarily. My Dad was 83, carved out a new life for himself to the extent that one of the groups he worked with made him an honorary life member.

Just as parents can’t expect their DC to disrupt their lives for them, I think DC can’t expect parents to give up all that is important to them for their DC’s sake. (Of course I’m not saying DCs should have their lives ruined because parents refuse to pay for help and insist DCs do it all)

Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement. Because they’re following a dream that they couldn’t follow earlier in life because of jobs, children.

[SockFluffInTheBath]

That’s a fair point about disruption @MereDintofPandiculation . I hadn’t considered it from that angle, we were just focussed on the house crumbling around them with a refusal to get people in.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement. Because they’re following a dream that they couldn’t follow earlier in life because of jobs, children

I suppose that's one explanation but my dreams have always been a bit more based on practicality.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I suppose that's one explanation but my dreams have always been a bit more based on practicality. There’s an argument that those who have derived the most from following their dreams are those whose dreams have not seemed practical to their families.

[AlwaysLatte]

My Dad wouldn't move, he insisted he needed a three storey house when he could only eventually use the downstairs. He refused to sell it even after he'd moved in with us and his house had sat empty for 3 years! Good luck ☘️

[PritiPatelsMaker]

There’s an argument that those who have derived the most from following their dreams are those whose dreams have not seemed practical to their families

That's also true. I still won't be moving to a remote location in retirement though!

[Mix56]

I tried to encourage my parents to invest in a new build bungalow (to their requirements, mother handicapped) along the road where there was a development, I suggested they rent it till they needed it, or one of them was widowed. They would have kept the same neighbours, habits, post code, & they could afford it.
There was a massively unpleasant argument, "We want to die here"
I said, if nothing else it would be a good safety net & investment
So a few years later my Dad got Alzheimers, & went into a home, mother had to have a live in carer, had a stair lift to get to the Bath, & slowly diminished living in 2 rooms with bed in the dining room, etc
The house got increasingly decrepit.
She couldn't even see her famous garden.
The end.

My MIL needs to move, she is shuffling around in a 4 bed house, its huge, cold, she has no shower. She is alone eith depression/onset dementia.
Her sons are builders, they could build her a lovely bungalow on her own property, she would have the same address, view, neighbours, her GC lives on site to help...
No, not happening.

I said to H, we need to buy a ground floor flat, or flat with a large terrace in neighbouribg town, we would be able to walk to the beach, shops, doctor, chemist, baker, fish from the fishermen's stall on the port.
Rent it out till we need it. We can afford it, it would help our children, it would be better for US. ( or the remaining survivor.)
I said here we can go nowhere without a car
I would be unwilling & likely unable to manage the outdoor acreage alone
It is occasionally cut iff by flooding !!!!!
We can afford it......
He is not being proactive. He looks at me like a hare in headlights. He built the house, its a lovely environment. He has his old buddies & habits.
I think its the "head in the sand syndrome" or I cant face the upheaval, I'll think about it tomorrow , what If I dont like a flat in town, the noise nuisance, miss my daily routine with my little habits
Yes its beautiful here,
Yes we manage (now)

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’m going to be on my own within the next couple of years. One decision I have made: I will stay here (if I can afford it, and I think I can). I need the solace of the place I love. Five years down the line, who knows? But for now…

[ImplementingTheDennisSystem]

Like some previous posters, DH and I have decided that we want to move, at 60, to a 2-bed flat in our current town centre, with a balcony (and no garden).
We currently live in a cul-de-sac of detached 4-bed houses and more are owned by retirees than not. Many of them struggle to keep on top of them - they need a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner - or the gardens have just totally gone to seed. It's a full time job to keep ours in great shape and I don't want that burden when I'm older.

[Soontobe60]

@Mum5net

Failed miserably on many occasions across a 10-15 year campaign.
Crucially, failed on getting POA.
DM with dementia was eventually sectioned. Shortly afterwards, DF (83) died in an avoidable accident in their house. No access to their banking or financials. Had to apply for Guardianship. DM was detained for the whole court process (seven months) in a community hospital as we had no power to have her released to a care home. All our worries and concerns played out in real life.

If you know of someone locally whose parents refused and the inevitable happened, bring that example to your parents. Even better if they know them.

If it's not their idea, and they haven't seen the merit already, it's well nigh impossible.

My stepfather is currently in a care home having been discharged from a long hospital stay. It was the hospital social worker who arranged the transfer and he has now been assessed by the DOLS team as not having capacity, but requires to be ‘detained’ for his own safety.
it doesn’t need a relative or someone with POA or Guardianship for this to happen, the social care system is geared up for such eventualities.

[Soontobe60]

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

Like some previous posters, DH and I have decided that we want to move, at 60, to a 2-bed flat in our current town centre, with a balcony (and no garden).
We currently live in a cul-de-sac of detached 4-bed houses and more are owned by retirees than not. Many of them struggle to keep on top of them - they need a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner - or the gardens have just totally gone to seed. It's a full time job to keep ours in great shape and I don't want that burden when I'm older.

I’d be very wary of making such a big jump in size. We’ve downsized to a 2 bed house, which has enough space for the 2 of us to have 2 sitting rooms so we do t argue over the TV viewing 😂. It has a smallish back garden that we’ve had redone with stone paving instead of lawn, and have got lots of pots and a nice seating area. Fortunately our garden overlooks the woods so sitting out makes me feel like I’m surrounded by nature!

[mumda]

And what do you do when they have moved to a bungalow in a sensible place and hate it?

If the BIL plans to get everything then without sounding heartless make him look after them now. They might listen to him of that's how they feel about him.

[paddingtonstares]

We live in a council bungalow. We had a 3 bed house but asked to downsize once it was clear DC wouldn't bounce home again , the council fell over backwards to help us. DH is older than me(early 70s) with failing health so I decided to future plan for when I am on my own. (I'm mid 50s)
If you own your own property though I can understand how overwhelming the process of selling/ buying could seem to someone who really needs to.
So many leave it until it becomes a problem rather than preemptively planning.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

So many leave it until it becomes a problem rather than preemptively planning. Depends on your relationship with the house. I’m a gardener - a lot of my life is involved in the joy of tending plants. Leaving my garden while I’m still able to work in it would be depriving myself of something that brings value to my life. But a friend of mine says her house matters little to her, she’s hardly ever in it.

of course, preemptively planning can include thinking about the help you need to stay in the house longer. Desperately trying to stop the clock and insist you can do everything you used to be able to do leads to chaos.

[SockFluffInTheBath]

@mumda

And what do you do when they have moved to a bungalow in a sensible place and hate it?

If the BIL plans to get everything then without sounding heartless make him look after them now. They might listen to him of that's how they feel about him.

He’s the one they’ve allowed in all this time (golden child) so he’s seen it deteriorate and done nothing. He lives about an hour away, comes once a week to do a bit of Man Jobs in the garden (stuff with petrol engined machines) then runs off again. He doesn’t care about the state of the house because he won’t live in it himself when he gets it, and he’s too selfish and immature to care about them or anyone else. Can you tell I’m not a fan?

DH can’t bring himself to have the talk so it looks like we’ll be taking it on.

[Ilikewinter]

I watched MIL struggle her final years in a 3 bed terrace, she couldnt manage the stairs and or the steps from the front door. Eventually she had sponge washes and lived in the front room...... I used to feel so angry as she could have house swapped into a lovely warden aided flat but she refused time and time again.

DH & I are planning on retiring at 65, at that point we are selling up (3 bed detached) and moving to the coast to buy a flat, with a balcony.

We dont have kids so need to future proof ourselves.

[EdithStourton]

DH and I discuss this quite often. We've not even retired yet but we don't want to do to our DC what MIL did to hers.

She stayed in a huge, delapidated, house full of decades of accumulated junk, and the burden of care that fell on her children was huge. It caused many a marital row when DH came back from trying to deal with it all in a filthy temper that got taken out on me (who had been minding DC and dogs meanwhile).

In the end she fell ill and it was made clear to her that she had live somewhere adapted to her needs with plenty of care available. Even then she resisted the inevitable. The stress and hassle this imposed on her DC was huge.

I plan to sort out POA in my mid-60s and while I do want to pursue the rural dream for 10-15 years (we live fairly rurally already) both DH and I expect to move back close to shops and GP when our health dictates.

[dramalamma]

Lots of negative stories - and I can understand parents not wanting to admit they're getting old. We've - so far! Had a much better experience - dps live in a 4 storey house and mum is struggling so I took the line that dad had to do it for mum and then just pushed all the positive aspects of moving. In the end they're building on our land so they're close to us - not possible for everyone but makes it so much easier for me to deal with them as they get older and means they can stay at home longer.... it was a frank conversation and they needed time to go away and digest but they came back excited in the end. Mil on the other hand refuses to leave her rural house that is only accessible by car because she has too many memories of fil there - it's a really difficult line to judge but it can go well too.

[StCharlotte]

DH & I are planning on retiring at 65, at that point we are selling up (3 bed detached) and moving to the coast to buy a flat, with a balcony.

We dont have kids so need to future proof ourselves.

Similar position except after years of to-ing and fro-ing we've finally decided to stay put as our house, whilst sadly not by the coast, is perfectly situated in the middle of town. Doctor's surgery, pub, shops etc literally two minutes' walk away. Main bathroom is downstairs and we'll get a starlift when stairs become tricky and pay for cleaners etc. Also although we have no DC, we do have a local support network.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

DH & I are planning on retiring at 65, at that point we are selling up (3 bed detached) and moving to the coast to buy a flat, with a balcony. I hope you’ve done your research! Many people have the same idea, so local Social Services can become overburdened by the sheer number of elderly people. Some of the S coast seaside resorts have the worst levels of deprivation in the country.