My father has a Parkinson's plus disorder and has rapidly declined recently. He can now no longer walk and only stand with aids and carers. My mum is currently his main carer and he has two visits a day from one carer but mum has to assist this person. This isn't a long term arrangement but some kind of crisis care that is filling in until more long term care can be found, which seems to be impossible at the moment.
Mum is getting closer and closer to the end of her rope and I'm not sure how much longer she can cope with him at home. He is incredibly demanding and shouts her for minor things that he could do himself every 10 minutes of the day, the carers have even commented on how demanding and particular he is and said she doesn't have to answer his every call but he has always been controlling and angry and emotionally manipulative and she can't not answer him.
He seems to enjoy having everything done for him and will never even try to do anything for himself. For example he can use his mobile phone to control their banking apps well enough but he has Mum spoon feed him, wipe his dribble away and use the remote control to adjust his bed. He never troubles himself to even try to do any of these unless someone (usually my siblings or I) insist and then he suddenly can do them but as soon as we go he is on to Mum again to do everything for him.
Mum can no longer leave the house for more than 5 minutes. I used to take her shopping and out to the cinema or for a walk occasionally but he would not allow this now and she feels she cannot leave him so she has no break at all. Even if we are having a cup of tea or food in the other room, he will be shouting bloody murder every few minutes for non urgent things.
My father has always been a very difficult and hateful person and none of us children have a good relationship with him, he was very emotionally abusive when we were living at home and none of us feel close to him, some of us have mental health problems because of how he was.
At present I do their shopping and some cleaning and cooking but I and my siblings are not willing to provide any more than this. He has alienated my brother already by shouting that he hates him (and all of us) when we moved a bed downstairs for him on Boxing Day at my mum's request as he was having her and a neighbour almost carry him upstairs which wasn't safe for any of them.
He also gets mum up in the night sometimes calling out for something and sometimes he makes her sleep downstairs in the lounge with him by guilt tripping her which affects her rest.
We think he ought to be in a care home as he wants 24/7 care and attention and it's only mum supplying this that is enabling him to be home. Mum is 72 (he is 74) and had two hip replacements but she is currently fit although very, very stressed, anxious and exhausted.
He always says "you won't put me in a home" and that he won't go and we know if we suggest one he will rant and rave and swear at us and mum in particular wil feel awful and unable to out up with it. We actually think he would enjoy a care home.if he would ever go to one as he loved being in hospital (he has had two traumatic broken legs and hip replacements) and all the attention he gets, although he later described it to us as "he'll" of course, he never misses a chance for emotional blackmail.
When he was in hospital he insisted that mum visit every day and we would see him smiling and joking before he saw us when he would change to looking sad and complain to us and make mum do stuff for him like hold his urine bottle. And after her hip replacements he insisted she discharge herself early against medical advice as he wanted her home to look after him (he was capable then and my sister and I were cooking for him) this is the sort of person he is.
He is cogent and doesn't have dementia, although sometimes his voice is hard to understand.
What can we do? How can Mum reduce what she does for him or withdraw from being his slave? Could he go into a home if he doesn't want to? They jointly own their home and have enough savings to be self funding for about a year probably.
We feel awful for mum as he has always been verbally and mentally abusive to her and even now when he is so incapacitated he is still abusing her, we have been Abel to get away from him and have our own lives but she hasnt. She is completely gaslit by him as well and feels sorry for him and always tries to see the good and not face up to reality.
Although now, more and more she says this is the worst time of her life. Yet she feels sympathetic to him and that she can't put him in a home and that he won't go willingly, he'd be kicking and screaming, but we don't know how long this can go on for.
She is hanging on by the skin of her teeth, it's awful to watch.