Early stages of dementia, planning for future...

[Glitterlikeawinner]

Hoping someone can offer some advice for my MIL who appears to be in the early stages of dementia.
Just to give you a bit of back history....She lives alone in a permanent static caravan (has always lived there when my DH was growing up). My FIL died before I met DH and shortly after we met his DS suddenly died. A couple of years ago we moved around 1hr away, it's still easy to visit which we do, although not a quick round the corner (we were previously 20 mins away),and particularly difficult with lockdown which she didnt and still doesn't fully understand.
Over the past year I've noticed she has started to forget things, repeat herself a lot but nothing I wouldnt put down to old age. Then around September she admitted she had been suffering with stomach ache but wouldnt go to GP, then over Christmas she told me she had some period bleeding for 2 days. I was obviously worried and DH basically forced her to go to GP to get looked at - nothing conclusive but said nothing to worry about after numerous tests. In the meantime while she stayed with us over christmas she started showing more forgetful symptoms, my parents joined us on christmas day and after they had gone in the evening MIL asked me what my parents had done for christmas this year.. massive alarm bells and we knew something was going on but DH didnt want to believe and wanted to monitor more. Forgetfulness continued and DH eventually managed to arrange a 3 way call with his mum and GP back in March, which said not much they could do with covid 19 so weve just been keeping an eye on her since.
She has since started to unplug things and then calls my DH to say something isnt working, he will go to her house and find shes unplugged it but she doesn't remember doing it. This has been going on throughout lockdown and he has now resorted to taping plugs that dont need unplugging.
She looks like shes lost weight and doesn't have much desire to eat. A few months ago we realised the food she was eating was often out of date, possibly causing the stomach ache. She has also admitted this weekend that she is no longer bathing and just uses a washing up bowl and sponge in the living room, I also noticed her toothbrush looked years old and head down in murky water. She came to stay with us pre lockdown for a week and refused to bath or shower saying she prefers her own bath but weve since realised she has switched her boiler off so no central heating or hot water, although the shower is electric and she said she boils water in kettle to get hot water she needs.
God, writing it all down like this sounds even worse and like a form of neglect. My DH knows something has to happen but doesn't know what and if she will let it as she just wants to stay at home - possibly carers coming in to look after her? He says she would never want to go into a home but it's a possible future thought I assume if this is dementia?
She has never had a lot of money, the caravan has little value as it will go back to the landowners, she receives a state pension and widows pension I think, however when DSIL died, MIL recieved money from a work death in service (around 40k I think) and has this in the bank never being touched, assuming it will be passed down to DH. Reading online though it looks like this money would be used to pay for carers / nursing home, is this right? We are considering her sorting a will and possibly power of attorney but dont want to appear to other wider members of the family that we are doing things underhand but while she is still in some frame of mind it seems helpful to do this now?
I guess my 2 questions are, what help or support should we be getting in place to help her with a diagnosis / any carers to ensure she is safe and looking after herself (food and hygiene). And any advice re financial support, wills, power of attorney etc!
Sorry for all the info, feels like lots going on and were feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Thanks in advance x

@SinisterBumFacedCat There's a worrying story in my local paper of a social worker who was able to acquire PoA for a vulnerable person she'd done a financial assessment for. I'm not sure how she got away with it and whether it'd be possible with family around, but you could use the argument that if she does it now, it's her wishes, rather than someone applying for deputyship when she no longer has capacity, who might not be the person she chose. I presume you're also basing your arguments around "what if you got hit by a bus" rather than loss of faculties through dementia which is such a horrible prospect it's difficult to face the reality that it may happen to us.

A social worker might be the right person to take control of someone 's bank account, but one would assume a better system would involve her needing to account for herself to a non social worker ( and not a colleague ). There is an unmet need for outsourcing the monitoring, not least to protect situations such as one sibling arousing suspicion, or even joint siblings being unable to agree.

One situation never caused scandal, because few would have spotted what was done. A solicitor drew a will for a modest living old woman in an ordinary house, but whose shares and assets and jewels were worth multimillions. The will left a couple of minor sums from the day to day bank account, plus an instruction that a neighbour could take certain bits of furniture. The house was to be sold and proceeds divided equally between various charities, and finally any remaining possessions and residue should go to (these were not the actual names involved) " my friend Mary Jones" but Mary was the solicitor, practising under presumably her maiden name, not Jones, and the initials D.M. Anyone viewing that would assume that "my friend Mary" was inheriting any remaining furniture and whatever was in the bank after fees were paid. All the jewellery and all the shares could be removed by a smart trusted person with a key, the moment the old lady was taken to hospital or a care home, and anyone smart could make sure they were concealed from the apparent value of the estate.

Hi, just to update you all, we had a talk with DMIL last night which didn't go well. She was completely in denial about anything being wrong even though being with her for 24hrs I could see it even more and appeared worse than last time. She got quite angry and told DH oven and over that he didn't care about her and just wanted to see her put in a nursing home. It really hurt DH and he went to bed without speaking to her. I reassured him its just her being defensive but he's understandably upset. We didn't even broach POA specifically, but said we could help her sort her bills so she didn't have to stress about when payments are needed etc but she said she was fine but couldn't remember anything she needed to pay. Going to go and see a relative with her at the weekend to see if they / together we have better luck.

That sounds really difficult, Glitter.
I don’t think we’ve ever really had the conversation with DM. We’ve just gradually taken over the paying of bills, getting the shopping, arranging for a cleaner twice a week and a carer to do a meal four times a week etc.
There are times when I think DM must know, surely she must know? But then she’ll mention a friend or acquaintance having “lost their marbles” or being “with the fairies” without a trace of irony so I don’t think she does realise, or at least realise it’s anything more than normal elderly forgetfulness.
And if you can get to accept help without having to spell it out, maybe there’s something to be said for being left in ignorant bliss?

I agree with @Papergirl1968 in principle. No one likes to be told they are exhibiting signs of dementia and it's easy to say 'i can sort that out for you if you like as I can do it online and it will take two minutes'.

But when it comes to sorting out POA and taking someone to a memory clinic appt you can't really do it without explaining it to them. The important thing is the tone you present info in.

I think I would start with the diagnosis - rather than 'sit her down' to talk about it, wait for a moment when you are watching tv or out for a walk and ask what regular health checks she has at the GP, then ask if they ever do any tests of her memory as 'I read that if you are starting to get forgetful there is medication you can take to preserve your memory'. See how she reacts to that then say how good it is there are treatments available to help prevent it just like blood pressure tablets or glasses for eye sight that isn't what it once was. But don't push her to go.

Do you or your DH ever accompany her to the docs? I was lucky in that my dad was quite ill at the time and we went to the GPs a lot as a family for his appts. I had a quiet word with the GP and he booked a double appt and then after my dad's appt asked my mum how she was and if he could give her a quick memory test. She did poorly so he asked if he could refer her for a more specialized test at the memory clinic. Elderly people don't like to make a scene to the doctor so she said yes.

She needed a lot of reassurance in the run up to the appointment that she wouldn't be sent to the 'funny farm'. We just laughed and said the funny farm didn't exist now and she was stuck with us and we would look after her regardless of what the doctor said and he could probably give her tablets to help if he thought she needed them.

Recently I had to ask the dr's receptionist for a copy of mum's Alzheimer's diagnosis letter. Mum overheard me and said 'what are you talking about? I don't have Alzheimer's.' My dad distracted her and the moment passed. I guess she either forgot what I'd said or maybe just decided it didn't matter as she is ok.