MIL should be in a care home, but refusing to go. A rant

[Rainicorn]

MIL has osteoarthritis and a fused spine amongst other medical things. Following a fall last year, she ended up in hospital where they found bowel cancer and resulted in a 6 month stay where she lost mobility because of her refusal to get out of bed. She also has chronic pain which is under control morphine patches.

She has just got out of hospital again, this time a 10 day stay which should have only been a day patient and they diagnosed CPOD and we've been told heart failure last year which she never told us about, or maybe didn't know about as she was pretty ill anyway.

She currently lives in a small one bed flat in what used to be sheltered accommodation but now help can only be given by community care alarm.

She has 2 carers that come in 4 times a day to get her out of bed (hoisted), into her chair. She also likes to go back to bed after lunch for a sleep. They cook for her, dress her, bathe her, give her her medication. Basically all she does is feed herself.

We visit every day. I do a lot of running around for her, shopping, paying bills, taking her to go appointments in her wheelchair etc.

She keeps phoning us for trivial things, like making her a cup of tea, picking up dropped remotes for the TV, and also for things like moving her leg an inch to the left which she could domherself simply by raising the hospital bed but she doesn't see why she should when others can do it for her. This can be during the day, it can be at 3am in the morning.

I am exhausted, DH is exhausted and it is causing arguments between us. We cannot convince her to move somewhere where there is 24 hour care so they can make sure she is looked after. She is happy being cared for the way she is,my apply to wake us up to come move her.

The thing is, if we refuse to do these things then she always seems to get ill, or needs to phone the doctor out for something. I feel like this is what it's going to be like until she dies, and I don't want to wish her dead.

Great news and I hope for your sake she accepts the new place.

I was going to mention that it sounds like she is "attention seeking " a little bit and I wondered whether she is simply bored and lonely. There are places (mainly a bit religiousy) who can make house calls just to have a chat and a game of cards. Vincent St Pauls spring to mind. My Grandmother also loves to invite Jehovah Witnesses in for a chat and a cup of tea :-)

That new place sounds brilliant! I'm so glad something like that exists.

Of course elderly people should not be forced into care homes if they are relatively independent, but are unable to go shopping for example. But when you began to describe your MIL it became clear that this was not a case of just being frail and weak and not as strong as she used to be. This was wrap around care!

I'm glad it has worked out for you and yes, you sound like an absolute saint!

Great news about the place. I would be telling her that if she doesn't accept it than you will no longer be helping her as SIL is your priority and she has no right to turn to more appropriate help and then burden you instead.

It doesn't matter if she weeps and wails about how awful you are this is about self preservation!!!!

Wonderful news about the place. I hope she accepts it.

My MIL is slightly similar in that she sends the carers away and refuses to engage with any social work assessment. It puts incredible pressure on everyone else but she has always been selfish and demanding. We're having a real dilemma about what to do next.

So pleased to read your latest update. I am going through something similar with mu own Mother at the moment, and get so frustrated about how unrealistic she is about her needs.
I hope your DMIL accepts the place

Care homes aren't always as bad as people think. She'd have company and they do activities. Could you take her for a visit and let her talk to some of the residents? Or in fact refuse to visit her until she will visit the home?

Ops missed update. Hope it all goes well

She will have no option but to accept. We told her when we did the application in November that if she didn't accept then we would stop doing things for her as she needs to help us as well as herself.

MIL is a very selfish woman, wants the attention. When DFIL was dying in hospital with cancer she would moan at his bedside about a headache, or how tired she was from visiting in the hospital. Always about her.

She does have some endearing qualities, but it is hard to see those when she goes on the way she does.

Well done OP, you must be weak with relief.

Very good news.

DM is in very sheltered. Own flat, 24 hour warden and it is fantastic. She would not have agreed to go had she not had a fall, and we played a game of saying "just till you get better". Now she would not move. Not least because with a bit of perspective she realises how lonely and scared she was on her own.

Be aware though it may take ages for her to settle. I was warned to allow at least 2 months. What we did is employ a carer to take her to the shops each day to help with her orientation. She might not need this, but you might think of ways to boost her support during the initial period, ways which do not involve her leaning on you. I would liaise closely with the manager, with the aim of finding ways to detatch yourself.

The other issue is that at some stage DMs accomodation will say that her needs are too great for her to be safe in that level of care. Te next stage for my mum will be a dementia care home, something I want to avoid, really till the stage where she does not know where she is anyway. My mum agrees and understands the need to "be on her best behaviour", at least to those outside the family. There have been a couple of incidents, quite possibly when she has a minor infection, but otherwise she is doing well. In you MiLs case I would be tempted to make it clear. If she is too demanding the only alternative is a home.

Op you poor thing. This new place sounds ideal- stay strong ang look after yourself.

What news on her accepting the place?? Really hope she has agreed.

I just had to add to this thread as I hope it might make you smile.

My wonderful, loving, stubborn, fussy and eccentric dad (with dementia) really needs live in care. The other day, after a LONG time trying to convince him, he agreed. Said he realised he could barely walk and was going to fall at any moment and is so forgetful he will probably either burn the house down or be burgled (totally deaf too). So, last week a lovely woman from local agency came and, surprise surprise, he had totally changed his mind. Poor woman was met with a cross 45 minute monologue about how he is totally fine thanks very much and can manage perfectly well and he had no earthly idea what she was doing there. He was actually holding a piece of toast and marmalade in his hand as he delivered this monologue. Everyone in the room had totally switched off after about 5 minutes and was transfixed by whether the marmalade was going to slide off the toast at any time during the 45 mins (it didn't).

Last weekend he rang me, and his carer, and various friends around the country to say he had no water in the house and that there was no one to help him and it was all a disaster. OMG we thought. Water off at the mains? My poor sick father with not a drop to drink?? No. He had run out of TONIC water. Last night, he rang me at bath time (two small children) to tell me that things were fine generally and that the only main, serious and big problem 'outstanding' was that two lightbulbs needed replacing so therefore the place was going to rack and ruin.

I sighed, agreed it was all dreadful and poured myself a glass of wine.

Rainicorn - do hope your MIL has accepted this place. I think, as many have said, how much care you can give does depend also on how co-operative the person is. And if she is selfish and everything has to be about her, she will wear you out and for what? Eventually she will have to be cared for full time anyway. You have to be tough and think of your own and your family's welfare. Some people, especially the selfish and self-centred, are experts in inducing guilt in other people. Whatever you do is never enough and yet they are not willing to discuss things or see anyone else's point of view. I think many of that generation are terrified of being "put away" and losing their independence completely even though they have lost a lot of it through illness. It is such a difficult situation, but it is not wrong to preserve your own sanity. If you become ill, you won't be any use to them. All the very best.