So mum died on Monday. Sensitive details if you'll be upset don't open thread

[Theas18]

Well, I think I can finally manage to type this.

My Mum died peacefully at home on Monday night at 10pm.

She got home late fri with CHC funding for 24 hr care ( one24hr live in one waking night) and lots of equipment. Carers were crap. I have complained. Not their fault, they both had learning disabilities background and never done end of life care. I can't be too cross though as if there hadn't been " carers in place" to tick a box we might not have got her home at all. Carers were ok through Saturday when she was sort of mobile and sort of eating / drinking. I had a wonderful friend over Sunday who prevented disaster Sunday lunchtime ( carer wanted to lie mum flat on her back for a nosebleed!)

She got agitated tea time Sunday after crap carer got her into a situation where we struggled to get her safely back from- she ended up in the chair and wanted to be in bed. Nurses came out, expertly got her into bed and settled on a driver.
At that point we found that neither carer ( crap or slightly less crap) could do mouth care - so they and I learned ! We also learned later that they couldn't really move patients using slide sheets etc :( that was an issue too.
In the night Sunday she did drink a bit and go to the loo but from Monday lunch when the nurse re did driver and repositioned her with me she was asleep.
Monday teatime she became very agitated and was trying to vomit. I called the nurses (DH had arrived and between the 3 of us we couldn't move her or anything - I felt very useless, gave her a stat injection from the box that helped, nurses arrived gave a 2nd dose and with proper repositioning at about 6 she was comfy again.
We had requested a hospice at home nurse because carers were so crap, for the night shift, but initially none available. At about 7 I had a call saying they'd found one. I am just so very grateful that they did. It meant I just told crap carer to do nothing except mouth care till she arrived.
Mums breathing changed after the agitation settled to a gasping that settled to little snores. I sat with her most of the evening ,and set up with coffee ipad etc for a watch night, mainly to stop crap carer doing anything to upset her comfort.
She had previously told us she didn't want tv/ radio so I just hugged her on and off, told her she was loved, that we wouldn't ever forget her, and would look after dad.
Realised her little snores were getting shallower and slower. So went to hug her, and she just didn't breathe again. Held her till I was sure she was gone.

At this point the hospice nurse arrived. We were able to send crap carers away ASAP ( to be fair they offered to help and were kind. But I just wanted them gone). All the what happens after - washing, laying out etc I helped with. We sat with her for a bit and and eventually we called the funeral people and they took her away.

At peace and always loved.

So sorry for your loss. As a carer myself, I'm upset to hear of the problems you had. I have never done end of life care, and I think I would decline the work and ask that some more experienced be offered it.

It sounds like with your help, your mum had A Good Death. She will have known you were there and been comforted by that. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days

What a great job you've done. No mother could ask for more. Thank you as well for posting about the realities of dying at home. It's not always easy but you did a great job.

Huge thanks for all the lovely replies.

I still have guilt feeling - her confusion and lack of voice/ breath meant she didn't really speak much after she came home - or really since the Friday before when I saw her last with mum sister. So we didn't have any lovely chats or anything :(

Got to find strength now to move on with registering etc. Feeling very alone as im making all the decisions re funeral etc pretty much as sis in Spain and dad dementia. Hope no one hates what I've chosen.

Don't feel guilty. You did your best & no one can do more than that.

Am sure what you choose for the funeral will be fine, you could always run it through with your sister or ask her if there is anything she would particularly like.

Try to give yourself some space to grieve - you have lost your mother, one of the most important relationships any of us ever have.

My mother dies nearly 20 years ago (Alzheimers) & I still miss her. But the best thing about the time passing is that now I don't think of her as ill & confused, that memory has really faded. I remember her as Mum, with her laughter & fun.

So sorry for your loss -thinking if you.

I'm so sorry Theas.

At the end of someones life, I think the important thing is a loving physical presence, and you were able to provide that, surrounding your mum with love to the end.

Re the funeral - I've never heard anyone criticise a funeral organised with care for the person, so don't worry about that.

I'm sorry
But how lovely that you were with her and able to hug her