Oh shit. All hell breaking loose at the NH. Sorry this is going to be a long rant. I need to get my thoughts together.
DF rang this a.m. to say that DM has had 'another terrible' night at the NH. Appparently she was so distressed she asked them to ring DF (this isn't the first night she's asked them to do this & she says they always refuse to call him). She says the staff told her they had rung DF at home & he wasn't in, but DF thinks this is a lie as he was actually at home & the phone didn't go. He later went in to see her & said she was 'shaking with rage' as she had rung the bell & it took 15 mins for someone to respond, she asked for pain relief, & after 25 mins they hadn't returned. DM thinks they are turning the bell off 'in the office' when they know it's her ringing & are ignoring her. DF says they think the NH are having 'serious staffing issues' with people leaving, but this was based on DM saying she asked after one staff member and they said 'oh she's left' - but surely this could just mean she'd just left after her shift??! DF's concerned that they never seem to see the same staff twice - I've been in a handful of times & seen the same people, so that's probably because of the shift patterns - she's been there less than a week after all.
So after explaining all this to me at 8.30 this morning, DF said that he needs to speak to the NH & then said "when are you available?". My heart just sank. I told him I couldn't go today as I've got to go to work. What I didn't say was that I've taken lots of time off (compassionate leave) over the last couple of weeks and I don't want to push things too far, but I'm sure my boss would let me go if I asked. But I don't want to ask him, as I just don't want to go and have to deal with this. Dad's sister is there with him now so I'm kind of hoping she will help him. After all that's what she came here to do - to support them. And she's more than willing to do this, she's a wonderful, practical, loving, pragmatic person.
The bottom line is that Mum is desperately unhappy to be where she is, she's waiting to die, she's uncomfortable in one position for more than about an hour, and at night she's in a lot of pain. She thinks no-one understands this properly. She keeps asking about a hospice, which has been brushed aside by various people but without any detailed real explanation why. DF thinks she wants to go home, but she can't unless she has a 24 hour carer there as Dad can't cope. How the hell can any of us make her last days comfortable, when she's apparently in so much pain, and so demanding of everyone? The alternatives are another NH, which will be further away from DF so he won't be able to visit as often & DM will probably be just as unhappy, or 24 hour care at home - no idea whether this is even possible or practical, or a hospice - but I don't even know if this is possible either. I suggested to DF that perhaps the little child inside her just wants us to say "yes you can go home now & it will all be alright".
I feel totally shit about all of this. Totally alone. I'm still sitting at home not wanting to go to work, not wanting to see DM, to or speak to DF or have to deal with any of this. I just want it all to go away.