Options for having disabled MIL visit on Xmas day

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My MIL moved into a care home after a stroke earlier this year. In the home, she has two carers assist her to get dressed and go to the toilet using a hoist. They use a hoist to transfer her between her wheelchair, seating and bed.

We live 50 miles away from her care home and she wants to spend Christmas day with us. I can understand this completely; it seems so grim the thought of spending xmas in the care home. We are due to spend Boxing day at a restaurant near her care home with other family members -- but she still wants to see us on Christmas day.

I wondered whether other people have been in a similar situation and how they managed it?

I have looked into hiring a wheelchair accessible car to get her to us. But then there's still the issue of needing to go to the toilet. So, I figured that I might be able to borrow a commode and hoist from the home but would my husband & I manage to help her alone? Just not sure if that's sensible. So I looked at hiring a carer for the day to assist us. So far, costs for car hire and carer (minimum of 8 hours) would result in spending £300-£400! She could cover this cost but is (understandably) worried about spending this on one day and suggested that my husband and I could get her in and out of her wheelchair and into our regular car. I've said that I'd be worried about seating her in the car with out the wheelchair as she can't support one side of her body one side is pretty much paralysed and even in the wheelchair, it's hard to keep her upright. Aside from which I'm not sure if I would be endangering her life by doing this and whether there are laws that cover this!

My husband and I are pretty 'can do' people and relatively physically strong — I just don't want to be reckless! Would love to know if anyone has any experience of managing a similar situation and what's reasonable for us to do? I know we live in a health & safety culture and sometimes common sense goes out the window — but equally, I don't know whether what my MIL is suggesting is reasonable or not.

Sadly, my MIL can sometimes mistake our genuine concerns for us being unwilling. As a side issue but immensely irritating her own daughters have a "don't be so stupid" attitude to her requests to engage in family occasions (they said this to her when she wanted to attend a wedding in the summer). There is no expectation on them to have her at Xmas or overnight ever! Since my FIL died, she's always stayed with us at various times and at Xmas.

Do people think it's worth contacting Social Services for a referral to an Occupational Therapist? They may be able to visit, offer advice, lend equipment etc.

Also does MiL have any contact with a hospice? Hospices have a different attitude to other services and are much more willing to take things like this seriously and see what can be done rather than assume it will be impossible or isn't worth trying. They're also IME really really nice, and sympathetic and experienced in exactly this sort of thing. Perhaps just give your nearest one a ring and see if they have any advice.

Could she possibly even go to your nearest hospice for a couple of days respite over xmas? They'd be equipped to cope comfortably, and family could all pile in, do your own thing in her room, choose to mingle or not with other residents, just make it your own much more than in a care home.

If before the stroke you would have been happy to have her on Xmas day, I think spend the money on making it happen including having the right equipment and a dedicated nurse. Yes it will be expensive but money won't buy time back if you don't and later regret it.

Great to see your determination to make this happen.

My MIL is 70. She has been paralysed on one side followed a series of strokes since she was 50. She also has dementia now.
She lives in her own home, has carers 4 times a day, and goes to a day centre 3 times a week via community transport. She also goes to the hairdressers.

This year, she managed 2 family weddings, and she'll come to us for Christmas. With help, she can get in and out of our normal sized car. DP and his brother assist her on and off the commode at our house and she wears pads for accidents. It's doable. We've always just sort of managed. A stand - aid/rotaturner is useful and portable.

Does she have a social worker? Make an appointment with them and a manager from the care home if poss to gather ideas and limitations.
I think it's great that you're putting her wishes first.

One more suggestion but could you or your dh drive to the home and go in the taxi with your mil? Then do the same in reverse at home time? May help your mil with her anxiety and you can settle her back into her room too.

Thanks for all the additional suggestions. She has had an OT and Physiotherapist but we didn't discuss the possibility of her visiting us. They and the hospital staff had concluded that she wasn't able to live at home alone. We will check to see if she can stand at all last time we asked, she couldn't.

Don't know if I said before but my MIL was 84 when she had the stroke and is now 85. She wasn't very mobile before the stroke as she has osteoporosis and problems with her feet, that made standing or walking for more than a few minutes very difficult for her. So, I have thought that because she wasn't very physically active before the stroke, this has hindered her ability to regain the little mobility she had before it.

threepiecesuite Was wondering whether your MIL can support her weight, lift herself out of the chair even a little. When I've supported my MIL to put on jackets etc., she's not able to shift her bottom on the seat just wondered if your MIL had a bit more mobility? I can't see getting her into our regular car safely -- the doors don't open wide enough. My dp and talked about how with a sliding door that would be more doable.

I have also been thinking about dignity issues -- if she does come, we have nowhere other than the kitchen / diner or living room for her to get onto a commode.

I think getting her to us is not the big problem , needing the toilet whilst she's with us is the main issue.

Excitedforxmas the care home might have space to do this, we did discuss this and we know it's a possible option.

In terms of carer(s) to help on the day -- we have wondered what it would be like to have a stranger to be with us on Xmas day? Never had to do this before.

We will discuss all the options with her at the w/e and ring around some of the org's suggested by others. My MIL has been a lifelong active member of her local church and has continued to attend every week since she moved into the care home. Taxi's ferry her there and back. I know she will canvas her numerous contacts there -- some do work in health. So we'll see what she's found out too.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for all your help so far.