I resent...

[alicetrefusis]

Hi

Please help. Extremely aged father died earlier this year, his last decades increasiongly frail and his final two years compromised with dementia. Horrible. I hated what the disease did to him, what it stripped him of ( everything that made him himself ). I did not enjoy visiting; I dreaded it. Didn't know what to say, how to connect with him.

Now mother is ill. I am her only blood relative left. I am fairly certain she is in early stages of the disease too v- her memory is certainly shot to pieces; her reasoning is at times bizarre.

And now it seems she may need a joint replacement. Which may or may not be successful. I think odds stacked on 'not' myself - which could well leave her incapacitated. We have a difficult relationship and today I feel so irrationally angry. I could wrench someone's head off.

I am not the saintly care-giver by any menas. If I'm honest, I resent it.

I resent all the paperwork.
I resent never being asked how I am
I resent never being offered so much as a hot drink at her house, which is miles away from me.
I resent the fact that my foot is hardly over the threshold before I hear a querulous voice saying 'Alice, I need you to....'
I resent that we don't have a better relationship
I resent the fact that her doctor is snarky and jobsworth with me.
I resent that she didn't look after me when I needed it. Yet I am expected to do it for her.
I resent I have to try and hold down a very stressful job as well as deal with all this shit.
I resent not getting a break between father dying and mother needing additional support.

Resentir, Fr, - to feel again.

I resent, and I need to let go.

whataboutbob perhaps you have a point! My mother's generation were expected to-and did-look after their elderly at home. My mother and aunt looked after my gran pretty much to the day she died, at 90. She was working, too. She came across as bitter, but I think she liked to be seen as a martyr. She was certainly seen in the neighbourhood as some sort of saint. Maybe I'm following the pattern, albeit subconsciously.

I think the point you make about entitlement is telling too. Women are, as products of feminism, supposed to be able to have it all. But we are still seen by society as those who take the caring roles, regardless of any other responsibilities we may have at work, in society or for our own families.

The point that many on this thread are making is the idea that feeling resentful is somehow taboo. But why shouldn't we feel resentful? We are dealing with people who do not appreciate the work it takes to look after them, unpaid, and who take us for granted and show us no respect.

If we were treated like this at work, we would have no problem about voicing our grievances!

I think it's totally normal to feel resentful, really you'd have to be lobotomised not to. Dad has NO idea how much impact he has on me, and my brother, who tragically he now says is not his son. He even offers to come and stay with me, to "help". Last time he was here my DH was cleaning faeces from all over the bathroom.
Of course resentment isn't a very attractive emotion to go around projecting. Maybe a trade off is to be protectively selfish once in a while. I systematically unplug the phone in the evenings, after Dad rang at midnight to say "when are you coming to visit?". I will go on holiday next spring no matter what and have already made a booking. I have made it clear that I will not become my brother's carer (a social worker actually asked me if I would, I couldn't believe it! How many men become carers to their mentally ill sisters????!!!). OK, rant over!

Alice I hope you are feeling better after your rant. I'm just wondering whether your mum qualifies for any additional help? Does she have a social worker? If she is showing signs of dementia has she been checked out?

When my aunt-who was forgetful for years before she died-was finally diagnosed with dementia it was too late for her quality of life to be improved. The powers-that-be tried to fob me off with the idea that her problem was age, not dementia. It wasn't - she was lying around in her own faeces before anyone took me seriously. My cousin, who lived with her, did nothing. On another occasion I visited to find my aunt practically unconscious. My cousin hadn't even rung the doctor. She would have probably died of neglect if I hadn't been there!

You seem to have a lot on your plate. I hope you find a way through. Good luck.

Aargh! Stand by for long rant or look away now...

I've been trying to cultivate a more positive attitude towards DM and, in that spirit, took her out with us to dinner with friends last night. They have a DD the same age as ours (15) and an older one.

Halfway through the meal DM started nagging DD to eat up what was on her plate (this hostess doesn't do small portions). DM wouldn't leave it alone, kept on at DD, 'don't you like it, try it, you've hardly eaten any, have a bit more, it's delicious etc'. DD politely said she wasn't hungry. DM then poked her in the thigh and said 'you just don't want to put on any more weight', among other things, which I barely heard through the red mist which descended.

I told her, as pleasantly as I could, to 'leave the poor girl alone' and she made light of it.

Today, I asked her (for the umpteenth time) not to comment on what DD eats or doesn't eat, or on her weight. She flatly denied saying any of it. Then she played the martyr card; said she'd better not go anywhere or see anybody in that case.

I kept repeating 'please don't do it, it's not acceptable, you embarrassed her in front of her friends'. So now she's in a huff.

She doesn't do apologies, other than the fake type which is preliminary to having another go at me. So now I feel like shit, except that DD is grateful to me for speaking up.

I'm not going to ask if I was being unreasonable. Because I wasn't. And there's a joke on the tip of my tongue, about maternal ambivalence working both ways, but I'm having a sense of humour failure.

I think Auriga with dementia all social skills and feelings for others fly out of the window. I know this is the case with my Mum and others in her NH. There is 1 lady who always tells me I am fat whenever I go. My Mum swears a lot now. She never used to, and says rude things about others.

My mum says exactly whatever she thinks at the time. So food my dad has worked hard to cook will be spat out and 'disgusting', I'll be fat, and she will not be dissuaded from saying things no matter if people are very obviously not interested and trying to stop it.

So I know where you are coming from Auriga

Thanks pudcat and CM. My DM is not demented, though I understand what you're saying about people with dementia losing their self-monitoring skills.

She lived alone for 23 years before moving in with us and it's as though she got used to thinking of herself as perfect. But I suspect she was often put down and criticised as a child. She would be shocked if anyone tried to point out to her how much she repeated this with me. I've never tried to discuss it with her - but when it's DD I can't let it go by.

Biryani how are you doing?

Thank goodness its not just me who feels resentful ,I thought I was such a bad person but I realise now its a normal emotion for the situation I have been put in .Both my parents have dementia ,they aren't particulary old which means im relatively young to be in this situation ,I resent I have no time for myself or my family but I look at it that they looked after me as a child now I have to repay that ,but it is very difficult

This thread is so good! I feel quite resentful lately, my aunt is becoming more of a burden and more of a worry by the week. I resent how it eats into everything else and how often I (or my lovely DH) have to drop everything to sort out some crisis. It's all long distance, too, about two hours each way. Sometimes I think that's better, but the travelling time is such a hassle and expense. She won't move though, flatly refuses even to consider how it might be easier.

I dread the phone ringing. After a small crisis this morning when she rang me three times, the phone rang again. I was so relieved when it was a friend inviting us over at the weekend I nearly cried.

If nothing else, this thread is theraputic!

Goodness, the phone rang just as I posted that last message. It was for my DH but my stomach gave a lurch. I feel a bit upset that I have to live like this.

Porthto- I always find it interesting when people say "they looked after me when i was a kid, so now it's my turn" . Or even worse " they looked after you, so now etc etc". Having done both (and I will stop far short of caring for my father to the end) I think it is far easier to care for a baby/ child/ than for a demented adult. Practically :you can over ride a baby/ toddler / kid, not so easy an adult with dementia, a baby has a bowel motion, you change their nappy, job done. Your demented parent has a bowel motion... Emotionally: with kids you get the satisfaction of seeing them develop, with demented parents it is near relentless deterioration. And so on. So don't be too tough on yourself. When the bible was written, it mentions honour thy mother and father, but I can''t help thinking that 2000 years ago most people died in their 50's/60's, and mostly did not get dementia.
MAME- it sounds really tough. Are there things which could be put in place locally to her? I know it's a bit obvious, but carers/ cleaners/ day centre? So there is some safety net locally.

whataboutbob No, she won't have anyone! She has a lovely gardener, and a hairdresser who goes each week and stops to chat for a bit. She refuses to have carers in, and wouldn't even consider a day centre when we suggested it. She has a neighbour who goes in from time to time and who will always go if there's a real problem which needs sorting out immediately. Her thought is that she wants to go on being "independent" but has completely lost the ability to see that she is anything but. Her confusion is the worst thing. She can't remember simple instructions so we can't sort anything out over the phone. She even rang me just before Christmas to tell me her phone wasn't working...

You're so right: with children it gets easier in many ways, with elderly people it just gets worse.

Sympathies to everyone in the same situation.