Moving mum with dementia between care homes (70 miles away)

[Numberlock]

My mum is 87 and has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She lives around 70 miles away from me now but as her current care home do not cater for dementia needs, it seemed a good time to bring her near to me.

I have found a great home 5 minutes from where I live. I plan to move her 2 weeks today. This will give 2 weeks for her settle in before I go on holiday for 7-10 days. (She has no other family.) The alternative would be to wait till September which is too long.

The question is how do I help to manage the move? Most days she is too confused to have a conversation about it. However, yesterday she had quite a 'clear' day when I broached it, saying that I would really like her to come and live near me so I could visit her every day and so could her 3 grandsons. She just said that she wouldn't know anyone. I will continue on the same vein but it very much depends on how she is on the day as to how much she will be aware of what's going on.

Has anyone else had experience of this and how did you manage it?

I know what you mean about making it worse.

When mum was admitted to hospital I steeled myself for no interventions and her slipping away. When mum became agitated and aggressive it convinced me that the best thing was to sedate her and again, slip away. When she became calm and a bit more lucid I just didn't know what to think.

When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions. Mum can also talk about 50 years ago, but not 5 minutes ago. It's like she's reverting back to that time.

How has she stabilised? Is it medication?

I asked her GP to contact the mental health team but he says that while mum is in hospital it is up to them to do it. The hospital are reluctant to get them or SS involved. I know it's the path of least resistance they're taking.

When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions

Completely agree and that's a very good way of describing it, it's the uncertainty that's so traumatic.

How has she stabilised?

I think she has just become resigned to the fact that this is her home, there's nothing she can do about it and this is where she is going to die. Every visit she asks if she's going to die today and every time I leave she says "Is this farewell?". I think she's preparing for the end.

The only change is that her mood seems to have stabilised a little so we have had some nice time together during my visits this week. She is no longer crying and we have had some nice evenings listening to music and looking at old photos. She has even been telling me stories about some of the people in the pictures which date back 50+ years.
Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exactly the same as my Mum. You are not my sister are you?
When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions
I totally agree.
If your Mum gets aggressive again get them to check for UTI - this sends the elderly even more confused and aggressive like Mum was this Wednesday, but when I went yesterday after having had 6 doses so far of Anti-Bs she was much better.

Back with an update after a couple of weeks, sadly my mum is now at end of life stage. I have agreed a plan with the GP and home, ie no resuscitation, no hospitalisation and just to keep her as comfortable as possible.

It's come at the same time as my two eldest sons are off to uni for the first time - taking one tomorrow and one next Saturday. So trying to distance myself a little from it all and enjoy my last time with them.

One of them came with me this afternoon to say goodbye to his grandma, I think she knew that he was there and who he was.

All very sad and just hoping very a peaceful passing now.

How are you things with you, pudct and downton?

Sorry to see this numberlock. Wishing you strength x

Many thanks.

Reading back my last post sounds quite harsh with the "distancing myself" comment. I hope it made sense, I know that my mum wouldn't want anything to stand in the way of this exciting time in their life so I'm trying to fit in as many visits to her with as much time as them if that makes sense.

Does anybody else have experience of this stage? How long did it last? Did you 'know' or get notice about when the end was about to arrive and were able to be with them?

I don't want her to die alone.

So sorry number but this is the position we are in. Mum's breast cancer has got worse. So we have said no resuscitation, no hospitalisation just palliative care. She had a good week or 2 but now she has been in bed again for over a week. The NH has said they will ring me if they think the end is near. But several times I have expected a call after visiting. But no Mum rallies again. So I don't know how long it lasts. You are not harsh. We have to take care of others in the family and ourselves.

Thanks so much pudcat.

You can only do what you can. And you are almost certainly right that your mother would want you to find a balance.

Health professionals might be able to suggest how long, however this might not be easy. I somehow survived the juggling act of my father dying, my children starting secondary and working full time for about 4 months and though exhausted by the end, am glad I managed not to let anyone down too badly. I look back at that period with the satisfaction that I was there for my dad and that I had some good final moments with him. In his case he had been expected to live a few more months but had a major stroke caused by his brain tumour. Oddly the last time I saw him he passed on several messages of the "please promise you will look after your mother" type. As if he knew, or had decided.

I hope the trips to Universities went well. It must be both exciting and quite sad. UCAS deadline for us.

My mum passed away today.

for you numberlock

Were you able to be with your mum or were you taking your son to university today?

I am sorry to hear this.

I am so very sorry Numberlock. Thinking of you xxx

Many thanks all. I was in Bath at the time taking my son to university.

The home had got her up, dressed and in the lounge when she passed away. They were under instruction not to resuscitate.

So sadly we weren't with her but it doesn't feel as bad as if she'd died alone in her room.

I think she knew we were away for the day and decided to slip away then.

I have started a new thread in Bereavement.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1860067-My-mum-died

My thoughts are with you Numberlock.