Wwyd - supporting my mother in grief - suck this church service up or put immediate family first?

[isoldeone]

The church wrote to my mother saying there's a memorial service in the next few weeks for my father and other parishioners who have passed away recently on a Sunday evening at 630pm. Very touching and my mother is keen to go. The vicar conducted my fathers funeral and was supportive as my dads death although in his 70's was sudden and unexpected. He passed away 3 months ago and my mother is devastated as am I. My mum has been very ill since his death, lost mobility although is recovering but she is very depressed. She spent a period in hospital directly after the funeral and I could not support her as I was heavily pregnant and then had the baby. I don't live locally ( 50 miles ) but I've been spending time every week there at least once a week going up by train with a newborn. My husband is a gem and has helped. He looks after ds1 who is 3 . We have stayed weekends and we are slowly trying to sort out bills , my dads estate etc when my mother asks. She can be demanding but we recognise she wants to retain control and independence so "back off" as it gets stressful.
It has been an absolute blur the last 3 months. A particular "highlight" was the first night she came home and I had to call the paramedics because I thought she had a stroke again. I was exhausted bring ds2 at 3 weeks whilst the ambulance crew came in! Dh couldn't be there. Ss enablement carers pop in 3 times a day but this will shortly end. I have no siblings . Relatives are all elderly. My ils are helpful and have given practical support but they are not local
I've arranged for my mum to come on our holiday with us in 2 weeks and this church service is at the end of that week. I don't want to stop off enroute that night. Dh would be negotiating busy motorways at 9 pm. I'd be apart again from ds3. We are due to move and complete shortly too. I want to move forward now. I've not had time to grieve and
I don't want to go to the service. Mum is desperate to go and suggestions that a friend or neighbour take her is not going down well. She wants me there. It's an hour of my life I know but baby will cry ( colicky in the pm) and its just...well hassle I could do without that week .
Yr opinions?
Ps we are not regular churchgoers either and my dad didn't believe in " religious mumbo jumbo"

If my Mum wanted me to go, i'd be there for her.

I'm not a church goer (don't even believe in God) but went to a memorial service with DH/DC on my MIL's behalf because she was uanble to attend and it meant a lot to her.

I couldnt say no to my mum like that and wouldgo with herm but I do understand you have 2 very young children and it is difficult, is there an Aunt or somebody who you could call on for support for your mum, It has only been 12 weeks you are all missing your dad and your mum doesn't know what to do with her self, I hope you manage to get something sorted,

Hello isoldeone, it sounds that you are doing so well at all the tough stuff.

I feel for you. My DF died suddenly too and it felt like I disappeared for a while. For years, I was asked how DM, DC were coping. I just coped and did what I had to do but nobody saw me, or really acknowledged my grief. It's a doubly hard place to be.

However, I was very vocal about not attending a memorial service. It had taken all my strength to get me (and my loved ones) through the pain of the funeral. Having to do it all again, same vicar, same church would have been an ask too far.

My DM has since died and I look back and think I did all I could in that ghastly time. There are no regrets and that's so important. But I could have thought of my self a little more.

Whatever you decide, take care of yourself, too.

Do lean on your mil. I'm sure she thinks of you as a daughter and so wants to help you like she would a daughter.
As I'm sure you know, personality changes are common after a stroke. Combine that with bereavement and you've a recipe for trouble really. It sounds like your mum can be quite angry with you? Again that's very common after stroke and bereavement and as part of aging. It's not you, it is her. Perhaps is her sil could come and stay that might get her to see beyond using you as a husband substitute. It does sound like she's leaning very heavily on you.

After a lot of thought . I decided not to go and mum seemed to accept this. The dust has settled for now. Telling her baby would cry through the service seem to settle it., she decided she wasn't bothered but rejected outright all suggestions of sil coming. Thanks for advice . I recognise now 3 months in I need to slow down and I can't sort everything !

Glad we helped you work it through. There are lots of people on the bereavement and elderly parents boards who have been where you are, you may find it helpful to read and post there too.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my sister then 2.5 months later my Mum, then a year later my Dad when my dc were small, and it is just exhausting trying to 'carry on' with life, or 'be back to normal', whilst supporting (in your case) your Mum, and also having this yawning great cavern in your life from where your Dad has gone.
Regardless of this particular memorial service, can I urge to to really make yourself time to grieve properly ? I know we are all different, but I do think one thing we do all have to do is grieve when we lose someone we love. I joined a bereavement support group at my local hospice, but obviously you'd have to see what was available near you. I never thought I was the "type" to have any sort of counselling or anything, but I just found having a couple of hours a fortnight, when I could just think about me, and how I was feeling made all the difference to me, when I realised I wasn't superwoman, and couldn't just pretend these things hadn't happened.
Sorry - this is a bit long, but I just want to urge you to be kind to yourself.