My mother's physical health is astonishing. The dementia specialist she saw two weeks ago confirmed that she is likely to live longer than her parents and they lived into their 90s. This in some ways may make it easier as I dont have to get round the dementia to ensure that my mother is receiving vital medical care.
However it leads inevitably to thoughts about the meaning of life. When does my mother cease to be my mother, etc. Also the fact that I am likely to spend more of my life responsible for my mother than I will have spent responsible for my children. Plus if dementia strikes me at the same stage as it struck both my mother and grandmother there will be very few years in which I can enjoy a care-free, in the literal sense, retirement. (Hence the atttachment to Wikipedia and Google.)
I think I am over the worst of this now, or at least the worst of it in the current phase of the dementia. My mother is happy and safe in a very sheltered environment. There is scope to ramp up the care as her disability becomes more pronounced. One day I will receive a phone call saying she is no longer safe in that setting. At that point she will move to a home. At that point she probably wont realise what is happening. And, very fortunately, she has the resources to pay, and I am able to manage those resources with this scenario in mind.
The emotional side is also getting easier. Partly because as she gets settled the mood swings become less severe, though Aricept seems to have sparked off another round. To a very large extent, and other than regular rows about access to a cheque book, she seems unaware of the fact I have taken over her finances, so the scope for conflict is reduced. Other than medical appointments, I am equally able to withdraw from her day to day routine. She is able to socialise, pursue activities, go to church etc, with support where she needs it. (Eg a cooked lunch, a carer to prompt for pills, a cleaner.)
The really difficult time was when she would be appalling to me one day and then all smiles the next. When I realised she was not quite sure who I am. The distrust which arose from use discussing something one day and then her forgetting it and accusing me of imposing things on her. I also hated the three years when I knew things were very awry, yet could not get her to agree to do anything. It was not only the low level background stress but the fact that we could not have a conversation without some form of dispute. Plus the real possibility each time she did not answer the phone, that she was lying on the floor unable to move.
At the moment there are more pleasant conversations than non. I am now back to being able to have a "How are you phone call" without having to delve into her personal affairs. There are relatively few areas of conflict, and on these as far as I am concerned I have medical and SS confirmation I am taking the right approach so there is no need for a discussion. In the moment, my mum is still my mum, and we can have a good conversation even if she wont remember it.
I dont know how I will feel when my mother loses both her conversation and the feisty spark that makes her who she is. The idea of a decade or more of 300 mile round trips to see someone who might be little more than a shell is not attractive. But neither is the idea that I might simply "warehouse" my mother in a home.