Bizzey, I remember the long lists. I ended up with a big bag of key papers, including my mothers passport, which I trundled up and down the motorway. At one point it was a Curver box. Now I am down to a tin where I keep stuff I need to take down on my next visit, and ....yippee...this week so far I have nothing in it.
You should find the list gets smaller as some things, like initial diagnoses and assessments, will be one offs. And you have spurred me to sort out my mother's Council tax. I am mainly done with registering the POA, and the junk mail has dried up to a trickle, so the the only big mountain still to climb is three years of tax returns. I may email my accountant and ask him to start nagging me.
BWN. Do get the mail redirect done. One possible rule of thumb might be
- Is it something that will have to be done sometime within the next six months anyway?
- Will it either make your life easier, or increase your mothers well being or financial security.
It is implicit in her signing the POA. She may rail initially, but I simply told my mum she had agreed (she had - I got her to sign the Post Office form though she may well not have known what she was signing). I take her anything she needs and print off her bank balances regularly. Looking back I am pretty sure her desire to retain control was because she was terrified of in some way losing her money and being left with none. However she could not cope and judging from the notes she used to write to herself, she found it all extremely stressful. Now we are through the storm and both in a better place, she has relaxed and other than demanding a cheque book, has not asked about anything.
Again where do you need to be in six months time? If so there is a good argument for bracing yourself and being assertive.
On the sheltered housing I feel it is worth looking at possibilities especially those linked with dementia homes. You should look at the extent to which they are future proofed. My decision was made easier because my mother was already in hospital/convalescent care and so the "moving twice" option was her going home first and then moving to sheltered housing - so relatively easy to move her straight. Her housing is quite future proofed and any next move will be at a point when she is not really aware of where she is, so perhaps less disruptive.
Your brother is not there every day. He does not hold his breath each time the phone rings wondering what crisis is about to happen. (Solar panels!) He does not have to then drop everything to sort it out. He does not have to ask his family support him at the end of the day when he is emotionally and physically exhausted, when actually you want to be the one providing support to your kids and DH.
- Moving early allows better routines to be established, and therefore more skills retained and a better quality of life.
- Vacancies in good places can be few and far between, so you may have to go on a wait list and take something when it comes up.
- You should have a plan of action should your mother find herself in hospital. You can then dress it as "convalescence", with the promise that she can go home when she is feeling better. Knowing full well that "better" will never happen and with a fair certainty that she will soon forget about going home. (I was told that the home that my mother talks about going back to might well shift over time to somewhere she had lived in the past.)
- Company, good food, and less stress should help her make the most of her remaining capabilities.
- Once settled you both can relax and resume a much more normal relationship.
Oliver James suggests setting a point at which the decision on a move is made based on the point at which a carer feels they can't cope. Something like a given number of middle of the night phone calls, a level of incontinence, or whatever. He suggests that quite often when someone thinks about it they realise that the point has already passed.
On a different subject on what is a very long post and from today's Daily Mail.
MEMORY LOSS: FAST EVERY OTHER DAY
Keeping your memory sharp involves making certain lifestyle choices, particularly in relation to food, says Dr Sandrine Thuret, head of the neurogenesis and mental health laboratory at the Institute of Psychiatry, King?s College London.
?There are specific neurons ? brain cells that communicate with each other ? involved in memory. The more you have of these neurons, the better your memory will be.
?Recent research shows it?s possible to create more in adulthood,? she says.
?Diet has a huge impact. I try to do intermittent fasting. Every other day I?ll just have a light breakfast and a very light dinner ? about 600 calories in total ? although often it?s because I?m too busy for lunch.
?Studies show that if healthy people reduce their calorie intake by about 30 per cent and increase time between meals, it improves their memory by helping create more of these neurons, although we don?t yet know why.
?I also have fish such as salmon ? full of omega-3 fatty acids ?every other day, and keep fresh blueberries in my fridge. The flavonoids they contain are good for memory.
?Exercise has a dramatic effect on these neurons, too, so every other day I run to work and back ? about eight miles.?
Get running all.....