Partner asking that we move to his home country to care for his parents

[Shauna35]

Hi, My partner is from an E. European country. His parents are getting old and developing health problems. He announced the other day that "we might have to move there". I have never liked visiting there, can't speak the language and the only job I could take would be teaching English... What he is suggesting could put us there for years if not decades! His reasoning is that there is no "safety net" there for social care, and they would not be treated here by the NHS. We have a 2 year old son. Am I in the wrong for saying I just can not do this? I won't sacrifice so much of my life for his parents. What would others do in this situation? I guess I am asking for a sanity check!

I was going to say that you may not move for the benefit of your husband's parents but you may have to accept that he will, then I read on and saw that this is how your husband sees it. It's harsh upon you but as I understand it care for the elderly in many Eastern European countries is harsher still.

Personally I would probably would not move with him if I were you but if I were him I would without question move back home alone if it were necessary. Sadly sometimes there just isn't a suitable compromise in life.

Did you not discuss any of this before you started a family with a man from another country?

I have seen this situation tear marriages apart, ones close to me, because there was no discussion upfront, just assumptions made on either side.

What would your status be in his home country seeing as you aren't married? If your relationship broke down how would you manage - would you be able to come home?

I wouldn't do it, but I would have made that clear upfront before I had children and/or married someone.

Yes I must admit, we did not discuss these things when we got together. It is his parents' state of health that has brought this into focus now. I made assumptions because he moved here when he was 18, and is now almost 40. So I really felt he was settled here and not drawn back there.

My fear now is that having laid our cards on the table, our relationship is already damaged badly. He knows that I am not willing to do what he thinks is the obvious "right thing". I know that he would be prepared to move there without us, without even considering any compromises, like us all paying for the best care we could afford and doing very regular trips there, as much as our finances and working hours would allow us to do.

I feel completely at sea. Every outcome i imagine does not end well. i.e.:

we move there, I feel depressed and isolated for years? decades? I'd resent him

He stays here and resents me for it.

or

We live in different countries for years/decades and he misses out a lot on being with his son and resents me.

Thanks for your points of view, I am not ready yet to ask anyone I know what they think about this....

A good idea might be to ask him how you would manage as a family were you all to move for him to care for his parents, as (because you don't speak the language etc.) you would not be able to work to support the whole family while he cares for them.

If he says 'no, I'll be working, you will be caring'... then that might lead to a more honest discussion. Because that will almost certainly be the way he has imagined it, after all, as you say you would not be able to work outside the home very effectively. So he would be asking you to give up your career/friends/family/life, to care for two elderly relatives.
Sounds quite different to him just saying 'We must care for them.'

i suggest then that, as this is still presently hypothetical, you 'go along with' his idea that he goes home to do the caring. he probably never will anyway, so you can let him feel good about himself, but find out if his plan means just leaving you both forever (nice!) or staying in the relationship long distance.
if he sees you staying together but long distance, i'd go aling with that, personally, as i might do the same in his position. but if he sees you splitting up, i think this is about more than the elderly parents
what a bombshell to drop on you!

It's part and parcel of being in a multicultural family, both partners need to make an effort in accommodating each others family & culture. It is easy to see how you have fallen out over this as you have both adopted a stance based on the most extreme scenario. You both need to cool off and adopt a more pragmatic stance.

I would do it for my partner. I cant imagine resenting someone for wanting to care for their parents, even if it wasnt my ideal scenario.

My partner is from overseas, and so it is a possibility. We didnt discuss it when we got together, but i wouldnt resent him for it. I would make the best of it

the thing with caring forelderly parents is that you cannot just go abroad and do it for a couple of years. The older they get, the more help they will need. You would have to stay on till the end, and who knows how long you would be looking at and how easy it would be to get jobs again in the UK if you then came back. It is not a short-term move presumably.

Well, if he is definitely going to leave at some point, perhaps it is best he leaves now, so you can both get on with your lives. I would tell him you need to face this and discuss how to deal with it so the dc will be alright.

Hard for you OP, and of course hard for him too.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't move to a country where I couldn't speak the language, and all I could do is teach English.

But TalkativeJim, if you take the OP's partner (sorry I said husband before) at face value, he isn't looking for the OP to care for his parents. Unless he's lying his willingness to care for them himself is apparent in his statement that if need be he will return to his home country alone.

Sure, Shauna35 might feel the need to clarify that but I don't really get the idea that her partner wants her to do the caring.

how else will they live? She cannot earn anything much teaching English in Eastern Euope. He will have to work full-time and she will be teaching part-time for a pittance and other than that, have to deal with children/housework and most of the problems with his parents. She will have to get them to the doctors, do their shopping etc. He will be at work during opening hours.

Shauna what do you do as a job here? I ask because maybe teaching english is not your only option. Depending on the country there will be lots of aid agencies around.

But that is a bit beside the point. We live here in the UK because of DH's elderly parents. I had to move countries for him, and have left my own parents behind, although they are quite healthy and young in comparison. TBH, it never occurred to me NOT to move for him, but this is the UK after all, not a a country where I did not know the language. I am a bit conflicted on your situation. I can see both sides really. It is a really tough one.

How does your DH see your life there as a couple? How does he envision it?

really hard one, I am so sorry.

hmm I notice your OP says "asking that WE move to his home country to care for his parents."

I'd be a leetle worried that this would mean YOU would be looking after his parents while he went to work.

I appreciate your problem/feelings, but as a few others have said, did you not at any stage ever think it might come to this?

I am a furriner in a furrin land and an only child to boot, and whilst my old mammy is fitter than me at the mo, both I and dp (who is one of 6) have always been recognizant of the fact that sooner or later we will have to go and live in the UK for at least a while.

It is a horrid situation, yes, but one that really needed to be thought out before now. Now it has come up you both need to sort your priorities to each other and to each other's respective families.

If my dp turned round when that day came and refused to come with me then he would not be the person I thought he was. I would still go. With or without.

Sorry yes that post should have continued a bit- distracted by toddler breakfast and just pressed post!

What I was going to say - His answer - that he will move back alone - sounds like a bit of a red herring in a way. Presumably he is ultimately looking forward to a time when they need care - someone with them during the days, when (if he were to move back alone) he would have to be working. So he would have to employ someone anyway, which is your solution. Looking at it that way, presumably the amount he earns here would cover that sort of care plus flights every c2 weeks to go and see/check on them, so you'd get a similar outcome. I understand that that's not the same as being there every evening, but if its that or splitting up your family... I think I would have a discussion on how he would see it working if he moved back alone.

Those asking the OP why she didn't discuss this prior to committing to him have a point, but what about him? He's also entered into commitments in this country without thinking to let that person know that he intends in the future to change their agreed situation quite drastically. I think he's been the more unreasonable one in that regard.

there are some options which show you understand and care.

He could go for an extendedvisit if he can get time off work to see what he can set up there for them.
Yu can agree to spend all your holidays there as a family and use that time to do as much for them as you all can
You can engage a local person to shop/clean/accompany them to the doctor/pop in and keep an eye on them
If his work makes it possible, he can go more often for longer visits

Presumably his sister would do similar and between the two families, they might not be too lonely or in too much difficulty.

It is a hard one. It is a very hard thing. Go over this year for an extended visit maybe and look into it (also for you and dc - work and school etc).

Ask what he is proposing exactly? Will he go out there and work f/t whilst you look after kids/house/old people? If you have another child out there-will you need his permission to bring them home again? Not sure if the name of the country has been mentioned? If you're unmarried, what rights would you have?

If he goes alone-can you pay the bills/mortgage without him? Or will he have to work to send money to you? If that's the case, he'll need to pay someone to look after his parents anyway?

I imagine he's envisaging you doing all the caring/cleaning/house stuff while he goes to work which would absolute not work for me!! Would you be living in their house as well? Selling your own house?

It's a huge upheaval.

It sounds like the kind of typical misunderstanding that can arise in a multi-cultural relationship. One assumes one thing, the other assumes another and neither realises this is an issue that needs to be discussed.

His 'right thing' though is right for whom? For his parents, of course. It's not necessarily 'right' for anyone else. And those saying he's not requiring the OP to do the caring - again I think this is a naive assumption. Most men from most cultures do not assume that they will take on the caring role - they assume that the woman will do so and that she will consider it her duty. I'm willing to 'assume' this is the case and I think the OP should do so unless she's explicitly told otherwise. Yes, her DP is willing to return alone, if necessary, but he's going to need to work to support himself, his parents and, presumably, his family back home. Who will do the caring then?

it is very difficult because although it is partly an emotional decision, it also has to be a practical one. I don't know which country this is. I do know that things are very difficult still in Poland and I would worry about moving there for that reason. You do want to know that your future and the future of your dc is relatively secure. It would be hard to give that up to go somewhere knowing that you could end up in quite a bit of financial difficulty. The Polish people I know sadly cannot realistically return home, although they own property in Poland, they cannot earn enough to live there.

Hungary I would consider if dh has a job that is in demand and would provide enough income to support everyone and put some savings aside for the dc's job training/higher education. In Budapest you could earn, if you work a great deal and mostly privately, a reasonable supplemtary family income with teaching English. If dh were to leave or die early, you could be in serious trouble unless you have an emergency fund to get you back to the UK and a good chance to find work in the UK after your time away. Things can go wrong anywhere of course but Eastern Europe doesn't provide much of a safety net.

Moldova is desperately poor, I don't think even with a strong altruistic bent, I would risk it with the dc to worry about. So many dc are left there behind while the parents have to work abroad. Romania I don't know about. Ukraine would be difficult. Would be a hard life unless dh is likely to be earning a very high local wage. People still have to hold down two jobs to make it sometimes.

Croatia might work, due to all the tourism. You might find more of an option there.

Depends what dh does, what he can earn and how you think you could cope if left there on your own with the dc (if things did go really badly pear-shaped). You know that in case of divorce, you might not be able to leave with the dc, depending on whether this country is signed up to the Hague Convention. If dh were to refuse to allow it, you would be abducting the dc if you upped and left.

What do you do? Is it transferable once you have the language skills to work there?

if it were a matter of moving between two countries with a similar standard of living and medical/social security provision , it would be different but this is quite a challenging move to expect you to make IMO

No way would I give up my career to become unpaid career to someone else's parents. We're all nostalgic about the times when old people were looked after within the extended family but the reality of this was usually women doing unpaid care work which totally kept them out of the workforce whilst biting their lip whilst everyone praises their dh for taking such good care of his parents. Happy to consign that set up to history frankly.

People are obviously a lot nicer than me, because there is no way I would consider this for a moment.
Dh and I have made lots of sacrifices to educate our 3 dc to third level education, and we do that so that they have every chance to make good lives for themselves. To me that would be a waste of all our efforts if they gave up happy, comfortable lives to care for us in the future. These elderly parents have most likely been sad that their son lives so far away since he was 18, but are probably happy that he has a better life than he could have in their home country; so maybe they would hate the idea of him making such a huge move to care for them.

I would hate the idea of my dc putting their lives on hold for me. But I would also hate the idea that people were waiting for me to die so they could be happy again. I would much rather they enjoyed visiting me once a month and paid strangers to care for me in the meantime, rather than see my grandchildren miss out on opportunities because I live too long.