Refusing care

[LadyBeagleEyes]

So what can I do.
I'm sixty miles away and can only get in about once a fortnight. My sister lives close but works full time.
We managed to get her full time care (Scotland) but she alienates everybody, so she no longer gets a bath and gave up her lunchtime calls because she doesn't eat lunch (she says, but will eat it if me or my sister make it)
We can't force her to accept care, she's now incontinent, and there seems to be nobody to turn too, how do you force a stubborn old woman, with possible dementia to accept the help that's being offered?
She's 80, housebound, she has a zimmer, and has had a couple of falls which ended up with her in hospital (She's got one of these on call things round her neck).
I couldn't bear the fact that she would have to go into a home, she could manage if she could get the care that was offered.
Me and my sister are at our wits end, any advice would be welcome.

Hi - didn't want to leave your post unanswered. The really hard thing is facing up to the fact that the parent/child role has reversed. I was so shocked when I realised that I had to take over the decision making for my mum - because you're so used to regarding her as a fully functioning, comptetent adult - it's so hard to get to grips with the fact that she can't do it any more.

This may sound harsh but it's really not meant to be - I think you need to calmly think about why you want your mum to be in her own home - is that really and truly what is best for her ?

I spent quite a long time taking it at face value when my mum said she was "fine" because part of me didn't want to face up to reality - my sister was the same and she resisted moving my mum because she didn't want to let go of the image of mum living capably in her own home and going out and about. It was hard moving mum but I have no regrets because she spent her last few months clean and comfortable, enjoying the social activities and I got to spend more time with her.

On a practical level I think it would be worth contacting AgeUK.

Hope this helps - hugs

Please do not worry too much about her going into a Care Home. My husbands grandmother is in one and it is the best thing that could have happened to her. She does not have to worry about meals (no meals on wheels in our area) and she is looked after brilliantly. We looked at several homes before choosing where she should go and she was very unwilling. My parents-in-law live 50 miles away and we were the nearest family. She is happy there now as she feels safe during the day, her meals arrive regularly and there is a choice at lunch and supper. Her incontinence is managed professionally, the staff are lovely and there is always something going on although you do not need to join in if you do not want to. We visit her regularly and she come to us for Sunday lunch fortnightly. We can take her out shopping or for walks in the local area (in her wheelchair) when the weather is fine and her quality of life is vastly improved.

Hi LadyBeagleEyes, I felt like you when my mum was first diagnosed with dementia. I thought it was best to keep her at home for as long as possible. But the behaviour that comes with the disease makes it so difficult for carers to live a normal life. I am the only family member around (DB lives abraod), and at the time it all kicked off my DCs were both still primary age. Even with regular carers coming in I ended up abandoning my Dcs with only a bowl of cereal for tea while I sorted out my mum, not to mention middle of the night phone calls, hospital appointments etc. One day I cracked after she'd phoned me 40 times in a morning despite having had carers in. Luckily the community psychiatric nurse organised an immediate respite placement at a local care home for her, and she's been there happily ever since. She is well cared for, always has company, the food is great, so are the staff. With hindsight I wish we'd done it sooner. She is much happier and better off.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide , it ain't easy.

((Hugs))

x

I'm sorry you're going thru this OP ,she'll probably be fine once moved .
Why has she got a catheter ? I don't want to add to your distress but my understanding is that prolonged use actually causes /contributes to loss of bladder control .
So I think i'd be asking why it was necessary and when it could be removed .

Thanks for all your replies.
gingeroots She has no control with her bladder any more.
The hospital she's in seem very caring, but she's soiling herself now too, rather than ring the buzzer to go to the toilet, she insists they're forcing her to walk, but all they want her to do is get up and use her zimmer.
I saw her yesterday and told her that all she had to do to get home is prove that she can get up and down the ward on her zimmer, and get herself to the toilet. She said she would, but according to the nurse I phoned today, she's not trying.
I've called her designated social worker who'll call me back on Monday.
She keeps passing those aptitude/mental tests and I don't understand because when I talk to her, she doesn't get it at all.
I know she's not my reasonable mum anymore, and realise that she'll need 24 hour care, but she'll have to hand POA to me, my sister and my brother.
And it's going to be our decision to put her in a residential home and I'm already feeling sick with guilt.
I want her to annoy me again with her phone calls about what's happening in Corrie or Emmerdale, but she's even lost interest in them.
Fuck. I'm so depressed and down about this.
Sorry.

Oh dear ,so sorry to hear all this .
Will it have to be a nursing home if she's permanently cathaterised ?

Keep strong ,she may improve a bit with full nursing care .
Please don't feel guilty ,she needs care .