Parents at school using playdates to network with other parents. I am told it's rife - but I think not!

[reallyandtruly]

My dc's 'good' state primary school attracts a lot of middle class families - more so each year. The school is located in a part of London which is far from posh. This school and its surrounding streets form a small middle class enclave.

I would say the school is encouraging this aspirational trend with a stricter uniform code, more extra curricular music activities and more upmarket social events for parents etc.

According to my friend, who is on lots of school committees and knows many parents, there's an unbelievable amount of social engineering and snobbery involved in encouraging the 'right' friendships between children there. Parents are keen to socialise with the 'right' families, so children only tend to get invited to homes when the parents are friends (or would-be friends) with each other.

I think she is being bitter and twisted. Wiothout going into details, I know not she has some enemies at the school and is not as popular as she used to be.

I like to think that most parents are led by their children as to who they make friends with. What sort of family the child comes from is a secondary consideration.

But I am not so sure. I have seen how some parents are sucked up to while others are pushed out. And I think there is definitely some snobbery at the school - a minor example of this - we recently swapped our car for a much better one which I used for the school run. A boy in my daughter's class asked her what her father did for a living as his parents wanted to know.

So, is my friend right? Do you think social networking between parents is the real driving force behind many playdate invites? Is this your experience at your primary school?

ormirian, the car comment was vile - once the boy knew what dh did for a living, I suspect parents must have been disappointed at how lowly it was!

You drop dcs off 8.45am, pick them up 3.30pm- say a few hellos/how's the baby etc and go home

Am i missing something here?

This doesn't happen here IME. Dd2 has a very good friend who lives in a very expensive house in a very exclusive close in rather posh village nearby. The parents run a very successful business. We live in a council house and dh works in a call centre; I am a SAHM. They get on famously and the parents are lovely too - we don't see each other much except at pick ups and drop offs, but they certainly don't look down on us.

Dd1 is in a similar position - she is best friends with two girls, one from a privileged background, one from a similar background to us. It doesn't seem to cause any problems, despite the fact that the "haves" have a lot more gadgets (eg Wii, ds, bikes etc) than the "have nots".

I can vividly remember my mum trying to engineer my sister's friendships in primary school, steerng her away from the child who had a thick accent and rotton milk teeth (who was her best friend) to the nice, well-spoken ones whose parents she liked.

what a machivellian world glossy aspirational types selecting the right type parents/child for their little commodity

This happens a lot at dd's school there are mothers who only socialise with each other and that is the children their children socialise with.
I think Twiglett is right though it is more common in the younger children when their play with friends is more reliant on parents taking them and/or staying with them. As they get a bit older and are playing out more by themselves or able to walk to friends houses alone it is more likely they will have more varied friends.

It does annoy me sometimes that my dd is great friends with someone in her class but come weekends and holidays she never sees them because I am not good enough for the parents to have her or us invited round but on the same token if that is how they run their lives I am not that botheres about dd or myself spending time with them.

what ethos/moral code does such galloping snobbery send to the children.wrong to be so superficial

I think Twiglett is right about people choosing like minded parents when it comes to encouraging younger children's friendships.

But I think most parents stop accompanying their children to playdates around the age of 5 or so - I know I did, though it was nice to be invited in for a tea when I picked up my child.

So going on that, very soon into primary school it shouldn't matter whether you get on socially with the parents or not. As long as your child is happy to visit their home and you are happy with the parents' house rules/way their child behaves.

Sadly not reallyandtruly. DH and I have a good friend whose DDs are in their late 20s now. She engineered their friendships more or less until they went to uni. They went to private school where she was guaranteed a 'certain standard' of child (I kid you not)and when she divorced and couldn't afford the fees they were taxi-ed 20 miles to an acceptable states school. And some children, no matter how much her DDs liked them, simply never got invited home. In the end they only ever socialised with the right sort of child.

The DDs have done very well for themselves it had to be said and are remarkably lovely accepting adults and they have a good laugh at their mum's blatant snobbery.

As far as I can see, it is the opposite at my dd's private school. She just finished nursery and is moving into reception.

It is the super wealthy (talking multi-million pound houses) parents who have to work harder not to intimidate the more normal middle class parents.

I could be wrong, of course, not being at the school gates more than once a week, to observe the minutiae of schoolgate politics.

wonder if i was ever the right sort.scheme house.rubbish school.quiet.no pony

Bueshoes snap - I am not at the school gates to observe direct. Do I take my friend's view of the school or not....

dont really understand RAT some incongruent posts re:friend.if she is a friend wouldnt you seek her views.

you say she is having a hard time at the mo
what prevents you being empathic

you are painting a horrid picture of aspirational snobby social climbers.has this been corroborated or this is friends account?

fwiw i would tend to support friend until i had evidence to the contrary

reallyandtruly, there is only one way to find out ... for yourself. Even if you cannot be around at the schoolgates, when school reopens, if you have not already done so, could you try to set up a few playdates (I have a class list which allows me to call or email other parents in my dd's class) and see what response you get. It can only be good for your dd.

As for your friend, you say that she is on a lot of school committees and knows many parents. I am a world away from this sort of scene - apart from not having the time, I don't have the motivation or inclination to get involved to this degree.

I think your friend's personality and priorities would incline her towards being more aware of the social pecking order and the trials of her personal life render her more sensitive to perceived slights in her standing.

People like me don't overthink situations and might merrily believe that someone who refused my offer of a playdate might genuinely be otherwise engaged. And then try someone else.

blueshoes, very sensible advice and I agree with it. Best to carry on regardless, inviting anyone back my dd likes.

Scottishmummy the horrid snobbish picture I am painting is my friend's version of things. Not my version. She is not directly affected by what is going on - it's more that she fears my dd and I may be affected by this, so she was warning me IFSWIM.

She does not have children at the school now (hers are at sixth form college).

RAT thanks for clarification.well in that case you decide on your intutition and observations

certainly be mindful of her experiences but ultimately you decide

we all have different subjective accounts

What I don't understand is - if you meet someone you like at the school gates, isn't it simpler to ask them if they'd like a drink some time?

I've made friends with several women whose kids aren't particularly mates with mine.

That shows you thinking outside the box, motherinferior

As far as I can tell, it's more the norm for parents to stick to those with children of a similar age/sex as their own - unless they have a big family of course.

Some parents engineer their children's social lives, of course they do. They are nobs. And many do not.

Yes, I think it does happen. My DD is only about to start primary school, but already at pre school I know there is an 'in crowd' forming and the girls who are in it tend to be the ones whose mothers (and often big sisters) are also members iyswim. But I have to admit even I am guilty. If my DD says to me can I invite XX over to play and I can't bear the thought of spending two hours trying to make polite conversation with the mother then I'd probably try and stall it, but if I think it would be a nice afternoon for all concerned, then I'd say yes and would arrange it. For me though it wouldn't be a materialistic judgment - I wouldn't care about car or career or house or whatever, but as our children are still too young to leave, I'd be thinking is the mum friendly? Would it be an awkward afternoon? Have I got things to talk about with this woman? etc etc....

But I am definitely starting to make some good friends through my daughter's social circle at preschool, even if its not with the mums from the in - crowd

Huge amounts of networking goes on at my dd's school...amongst people who think any of that matters

Luckily for dd, her face seems to fit anywhere

For myself, I'll say hello to everyone and make friends with who I can have a laugh with