upset daughter

[AngieL]

Hi
I don't know if anyone can help, but I'm at a loss for something to do, so any advice would be gratefully received.
My daughter (who was 5 last week) has been extremely upset, for most of last week, about going to school. She was absolutely fine last term and was looking forward to going back after christmas. From about Wednesday, she has been much quieter than normal, is crying a lot, is very clingy and seems to be feeling ill one minute and fine the next.
She kept telling me she had headaches and she didn't want to go to school, as she didn't like it anymore. We had tears every evening and every morning on the walk to school. Her teacher tells me she has been tearful during the day and has refused to do pe.
I thought she was trying it on with the headaches, but when she got in on Friday she developed a high temperature quite rapidly. I took her to the doctors and he said she had a virus. (no surprise there!!).
I have asked her if there is any problem at school and she says there isn't, she just misses me and wants me to stay. Her teacher is also concerned but has no idea what the problem could be.
We have had tears tonight and she is asleep now, but is very restless and crying in her sleep. I am dreading tomorrow morning and I just can't work out what's going on.
Sorry this is so rambling, but I hope you get the idea.
TIA

Hi AngieL. Could it be that your wee girl is just not feeling very well? Some viruses can lay you very low even in an on-off sort of way and she may just not be feeling herself. Why don't you wait till you're sure she's over the virus before worrying too much about her change of heart towards school? Once she's better she may start enjoying herself again. If not, you can talk to her again and try to find out why she's finding things hard at the moment.

Hope she feels better soon.

Hi SM

Thanks for your reply. I think that part of the problem is I don't really know if she is ill. I was convinced she was using it as an excuse because she didn't want to go to school. She has been fine today, apart from crying about not wanting to go to school, but I know that in the morning she will have a list of ailments as long as your arm. I don't know whether to send her or not.

Why don't you give her the benefit of the doubt just for tomorrow, if it's not too hard workwise? If she's really off colour it'd give her a chance to recover and if not it might throw up a chance to talk more about why she's finding school hard right now. You could also insist that, since she's ill, she stays in bed and see if you can bore her into going back.

When you talk to her have you compartmentalised the possible reasons that she might be feeling this way? I think "What's the problem?" can be quite a big question for a 5 y.o. and you might need to break it down a bit. eg: Is she finding the work difficult or easy or about right? Does she like her teacher? What's her favourite bit and worst bit of school? Does she have friends there, other kids who play with her at break times, partner her at PE etc? Would she like to invite any of her friends back for tea? Are any of the other children being nasty to her?

Hope you manage to sort this out- sounds difficult.

Hi AngieL. Sorry, not really got any advice (alhough think Scummy's advice sounds good), but just wanted to offer my sympathy - it would break my heart if my dd was like this - and hope this situation is resolved soon for both of yor sakes.

Hi AngieL, sorry to hear this, I can imagine how worrying it must be. I agree with scummy - I'd give her the benefit of the doubt tomorrow if you can and tackle the school thing separately when you can. I also agree about asking her different questions - I know sometimes my ds doesn't tell me things because I don't ask the right questions. He's got wiser now (he was 5 in Oct) but I used to, quite recently, be able to get away with asking "do you feel ill because you don't want to do xyz?" and he'd actually tell me the truth! Not suggesting that your daughter will fall for this approach but maybe something along those lines. Or you could try asking her what she would like to change about school to try to get to the root of it. You never know, it might turn out to be one of those incredibly trivial things that seems enormous to her, like the hall for PE is too cold, she hasn't got the same plimsols as everyone else etc. Ds seems happy at school but he said he didn't want to go back last week. Don't blame him really - I didn't want to go back to work either after lots of time at home, getting presents, eating chocolate and seeing friends! Good luck with getting to the bottom of it. Let us know how you get on.

Thanks for your kind words.

The only thing she has told me so far, is that she is the last one of her group to be ready for pe. I think this is why she didn't do it on both occasions last week.

It is quite upsetting as she keeps telling me things like "I want to be happy at school, but I just can't" and "I just love you and want you to stay with me".

When I'm feeling paranoid, I worry that she has got some sort of sense of foreboding about school and that I shouldn't take her. I probably sound like a crack pot but I hope you know what I mean.

Keeping her home tomorrow isn't a problem but I'm just worried I could be starting something I might regret.

AngieL, is she someone who hates being last? ds is quite capable of throwing a strop because he was last to get his shoes on/get to the car/get his seat belt on etc. So could the getting dressed and undressed quickly be bothering her? If so, could you practise and have a word with the teacher. I think it's hard for them to get used to not having mummy there to help them: I stupidly send ds to school one day in new jeans with a difficult button which he couldn't undo but thankfully he did tell me why he never wanted to wear those again!

Also are you/whoever picks her up always on time? Just wondered if she's got into her head somehow that you won't be there to collect her one day or something. Maybe I'm totally wrong on the above, just wondering aloud from your comments.

I know what you mean about starting something with letting her stay off school. I agree with Scummy on this too - see if you can bore her into going back! I used to skive as a child but my mum was massively tough about it - if I was ill that meant in bed, boring, no friends, no doing anything after school etc etc. It worked!
I sympathise with the foreboding thing but I really don't think it's that, honestly! They do think strange things sometimes though and you can't always know where they've got it from can you? Ds has been asking about what would happen if baddies got into our house in the night recently (err, they'd think we'd already been burgled?!) and I have no idea where it came from so I can only do my best to reassure him that it's very unlikely.

Hi WWW

She is very competitive with her younger brother and they quiet often argue about who's first etc. I think at school she is quite shy. We had a big birthday party for her last weekend and the whole class attended. Even when surrounded by her friends and relatives she didn't seem very confident. I would have thought that on her special day, she would have been ruling the roost, so to speak, but that definitely wasn't the case.

I think I would have a job trying to get her to stay in bed all day. She hates being on her own and this would definitely start a tantrum.

Oh I don't know, the whole thing has thrown me really. I should be in bed but now I'm thinking I might not have to get up in the morning! I think I'll see how she is tomorrow and then play it by ear.

Are all her school clothes really easy to get on and off - my dd was getting upset because she struggled to get her tights on quickly which meant she was always last to get ready - she could get them on but not as quick as others. I bought her some trousers - nice and stretchy with no buttons and she wore them on PE day - she positively bounced home that night really pleased with herself that she was second to get dressed after PE - could it be something as simple as tights or has she got new shoes that she struggles to do up.
My dd has never liked being the centre of attention, always used to struggle to leave her at parties and would never blow her candles out at her own party - I suppose all kids have quirky things that we have to get used to.
Personally, I would be loath to let her miss school but maybe you could suggest that she misses PE until she is 100%, in the meantime get the stopwatch on her to see if you can speed up that getting ready. Good luck!!

Hi there AngieL,
My dd did just this for the first 2 years at school I did think for a while that she was either ill or being a chancer but truthfully I think that the problem was that she had had such a nice time at home over the holidays - spending it with the family - that a full day at school seemed a bit daunting.
DD used to fret about going into school and seeing her friends again - even though there were no problems as such.
Remember that your DD is only 5 and that the holidays seem terribly long. It must be "that Monday morning feeling" but 10 times worse!
What my DD really needed was alot of reassurance ( and a few cuddles . Knowing that the other classmates probably felt just as apprehensive made her settle back again.
I must admit I did give her a treat ( comic or small toy ) as soon as I collected her at the school gates - something to look forward too at the end of the school day.( Bribe ??)
Once the routine has been re-established she was fine.
HTH and Good Luck - though I totally agree with the advice to make sure that she isn't ill.

Hi

I decided to let dd stay at home today and have a chat to her about what's bothering her at school. She was absolutely fine and not in the slightest bit ill, she spent most of the day fighting with ds.

I had a long chat on the phone with her teacher and she is going to keep an eye on her. She also said that they had been doing some 'circle time' and they would be giving the children the chance to talk about things that make them anxious or nervous. She hoped this would help my dd see that she is not the only one who finds school a bit overwhelming.

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow though, I imagine I'm going to have tears and tantrums in the morning. Her teacher has arranged for someone to meet her at the gate though so hopefully I won't have to prolong the agony.

Hi AngieL Hope its oK tomorrow. My dd (7) has had phases of reluctance to go to school, I think mainly connected to friend issues. She has a wide circle but is v sensitive to criticism, being left out etc. She said she had a headache this am and it is awful trying to work out whether its real or not. (A friend once sent her son to school sternly then he puked all over the table at lunch time..)Anyway I spoke to her teacher who took her in first to sit with her and she seems to have been fine.
If they get a day off , I do make it as very boring as possible so that it is not seen as an easy option.
Good luck

Well dd was in tears all the way to school this morning. She wasn't as bad during the day though as she has been. But this evening though she just looks ill again, pale face, dark sunken eyes and very tired.

I just don't know what to think. Perhaps she has got some underlying illness and being at school is just too much for her at the moment. My mum thinks I should keep her off again tomorrow and take her back to the doctors.

Things are being made worse by the mother of my dd's best friend. Apparently dd's behaviour is ruining her daughters confidence, her daughter is too dependent on my dd and she can't understand why her d wants to be like my dd. It's confusing to explain on here but it's getting me down.

Thanks for remembering me anyway.

Your last posting makes me think that something's going on at school with your dd's best friend (and/or her mother) that may the real cause of your dd's reluctance to got to school. Can you explain more?

Hi CAM

It is difficult to explain what has been going on without sounding childish and petty, but I'll do my best.

A couple of weeks ago my friend told me that her dd had been talking about my dd and saying she is allowed to do this, she has that etc etc. My friend got fed up with hearing about my dd and told her dd that mine was stupid (as she says lions instead of lines) and why on earth would she want to be like her.

Yesterday after my daughters recent upset, she said that her dd was now becoming more clingy and she put this down to my dd. She also said that her dd didn't want to attend a party unless mine went and she felt that she was becoming too dependent on her. She said she used to be very out going and confident but this was going because of my dd.

Sorry this all sounds so confusing but hope you understand. I thought little girls liked having a best friend, someone to do things with and to care about. I can't understand why my friend feels like this, at the moment her daughter doesn't feel the same. I've been wondering if comments made my 'friend' have been passed along to my daughter and this is behind some of her upset.

angiel, no advice, just sympathy, sounds like the mother of dds friend has a few issues of her own to sort out. x E

Angiel - I don't think you are childish & petty - but your friend certainly sounds as if she is. I don't have a DD but my closest friend has 3 & they are always falling in and out with other friends. I can't think why your friend is making such an issue out it, surely the best thing is for the girls to sort it out, if I were you I would try & brush it off rather than getting embroiled in who said what etc (easier said than done, I know). Good luck.

Lindy - I don't think the kids have actually got any problems with each other. They seem to be very good friends and I am happy about this. My friend, however, is obviously not.

AngieL
I agree with the others, sounds like the mother has some kind of problem, rather than the girls, but I guess it could somehow have filtered down and be affecting yr dd? It can be a minefield, friends' parents and different perceptions of how children are getting on. We had a difficult time a few yrs ago when ds1 was abt 6, and a boy was desperate to be his best friend, when he was happy with the one he had! The parents seemed to be trying to engineer it too, it felt as if they were trying to split up my ds and his friend, tho I'm sure they didnt see it that way. It resolved itself in the end, but I suppose we are all so protective of our own, and only we know them so well. I think the advice below of trying to keep a distance from it was sound. Then again, perhaps it is some kind of virus, poor thing, hope she is feeling better soon

Are you sure this person is a friend? I think it is unforgivable that she would tell her dd that your dd is stupid for saying "lines" instead of lions. I think it is appalling!

Sorry that's not much help is it, but I'm fuming!

As regards the school thing not much advice but to keep trying. You sound like you're doing all the right things. These viruses can take a long time to get over.

How immature of your "friend" to be trying to blame your dd for her dd's behaviour. Sounds like jealousy to me (on the part of the mother) which is always destructive. I'd keep my distance if I were you and refuse to be drawn into it. Best of luck with your dd.

For what it's worth I too am fuming at the idea that your friend's mother called your daughter 'stupid'. Hope it goes well with your daughter today and tomorrow.

Hope your daughter has a better day. If she has a virus, a weekend's rest should help.

I too am worried about your friend. She seems to be blaming your dd unfairly and trying to create a crisis situation between them - and you. Is her dd usually no problem to her? Do you think she would find it difficult to accept that her dd is not a perfect child all the time, so has to blame others? Do you think she is making these comments as a way of breaking your friendship for some reason - are they very out of character?

I would tread very, very carefully with this friend. If you feel brave enough, ask her if there are any other issues she wants to discuss with you - give her the opportunity to talk. It could be that she is having a tough time, nothing related to you, and is feeling extra senstive and ratty. However, if you still feel your friend is unreasonably hostile towards your dd, take this very seriously and distance yourself and your dd, in the nicest way possible. Your dd needs protecting. This attitude, coming from an adult, is damaging to her, and your dd is already feeling vulnerable at school. It is a pity that your dd will not see so much of her friend, but in the long term this might preserve the friendship they have.

Oh dear, AngieL, she's not a very grown-up person, is she...I am so sorry for the hard time she is giving you and two little girls who just want to be friends. I do hope things improve for you.