Is it normal for a child to be utterly devastated when leaving class teachers at the end of school year?

[CantShakeItOffShakeItOff]

I was hoping to get some advice or info from teachers or parents that might have experience with this.

I have asked my teacher friends and they seem to think this behaviour isn't really normal and I'm now worried for DD.

Dd is 6 and she really adores her teacher this year. Her teacher is lovely and I can understand why Dd likes her so much.

Things have slowly started winding down for the end of the school year and Dd has recently realised that this school year is ending and she will have a new teacher next year.

Dd is utterly utterly distraught at the thought of no longer having her teacher and doesn't want the summer to come.

She is a VERY sensitive child so I think this might be contributing to ber emotional state. To give some examples, Dd has been crying every day after school and is inconsolable for hours as she only has limited days left with this teacher. She's now started waking multiple times throughout the night as she's having nightmares and worries about having a new teacher. She also started struggling at bedtime and can no longer sleep alone without getting upset or having 'sore tummies'.

We've tried our best to reassure her however It's all getting out of hand and I have no idea how to deal with this or how to help her manage these extreme emotions. I don't ever remember feeling like this at school so I have no idea what to do.

If you are a teacher, is this something that happens often? Or should I be concerned?

If you are a parent, have you been through similar with your own child?

Help!

My DD was a little bit like this. She didn’t like the uncertainty that comes with change. We did a lot of reassuring and gave her examples of when she was worried about change but then it was ok - such as moving from early years to year 1 went ok so you’ll be ok moving Year 1 to Year 2 .

also reminding her she’d see her ‘old’ teacher in the playground and around school.

Yes. She's just finished 6th form college and has been agonising about not seeing one particularly favoured teacher again 😄
She will get over it but it will take some time!

@kublacant Thank you. This has reassured me a little.

We have been telling her that she will still see her old teacher however it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference.

Hopefully when she gets her new teacher she will ease off a little and realise that there's nothing to worry about.

It's the lack of sleep that's a problem. She's exhausted and late all the time atm. It's a bit of a nightmare as we are also exhausted and late because of her 😕

@Beamur Thank you.

DD has always been a bit upset but not to this level. Just keep reassuring her she will still see the teacher. Although we had one leave the school when DD was P5 and the whole class was crying on her last day.

Do you know what teacher she is getting next year?

@angelopal That must have been a great teacher for them all to be crying!

We don't know the teacher for next year yet. I'm not sure exactly when they find out however, I'm pretty sure it was really late in the year last year.

She didn't seem to have this problem with her teacher last year but she didn't really enjoy that year as much as she has this year.

All I can say is sympathise with her, validate her feelings, explore if she's anxious about what will happen next and then gently redirect her so she's not ruminating on these feelings.
You need to keep a gentle eye - she sounds like an anxious child. It might be worth reading up on some strategies to help her.
Mine was referred to CAHMS at 7 for rumination and intrusive thoughts, assessed for ASD in her teens. So we have become quite adept at recognising difficulties and trying to help DD.

@Beamur Great advice, thank you.

Yes she is a very anxious child. Always has been, but this level of anxiety is new for her. The usual coping techniques are just not cutting it.

We have often wondered about asd however it's not something that is overly obvious at the moment, for us to look into a referral.

I wondered for a long time too but had my suspicions pretty early on.
DD not untypical for many girls I think - always considered a quirky child, lots of sensory issues around food and clothing, liked to play in very specific ways, social, well liked, very funny and imaginative. Found high school very hard. Took a long time to find friends. Socially quite immature (catching up now) lots of curious interests and random hyperfocus, anxious, perfectionism. But an absolute joy and the best of kids.
Parenting techniques for ASD I think works well for anxious children too. We are realising quite late that DD is probably demand avoidant but it goes hand in hand with her inability to break a rule 😂 so she hates rules and expectations of her but will follow (and seethe) We are naturally a very low demand household so we have always seen her pretty unmasked. It's outside of home she struggles more.

There’s a great book called The Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside that my daughter found useful. All about how your worries tend to go away when you let them out of your bag (talk about them).

we still talk about our bags of worries now and she’s 18 !

I think it may help when she finds out about her new teacher and has a transition day. They make them feel more grown up and important in their new class.

I was going to say this. Both my DC can be anxious about change, but moving up days have always helped with this. It’s a fear of the unknown really, and usually gets better with time. Elder DC now realises she always feels anxious but it’s always fine in the end, so it’s not really an issue now.

Yes mine is the same. She has ASD and finds change & big feelings impossible to manage. It’s hard

My DD went through a very anxious stage in year one which only lasted a few weeks and then hit a really bad patch at the end of year four which made us seek an ASD assessment. I had wondered since she was small as she was quirky but didn’t feel she needed an assessment until the intrusive thoughts and anxiety came.

The Highly Sensitive Child is a good read and helped me realise that despite the anxiety the checklist did not overly apply to my DD. Difficulty with change and transition (like at the end of a school year!) is an ASD trait and may change as your DD gets older if she has ASD.

Has your daughter met her new teacher? Does she knows who he/she will be? Usually schools have a transition day, either end of June/beginning of July, where the children spend the day with their new teacher. They normally then spend another half a day with their new teacher, after transition day. Could you approach the school, and ask them for some help? It might be helpful if your daughter could spend a small amount of time with her new teacher regularly before transition day. I presume your daughter as she's 6, is currently in Year 1, and will be moving to Year 2 in September? If so, how was the transition from Foundation/Reception into Year 1? Did she fret as much? Your daughter's reaction does seem extreme to me (I've worked in schools in a non-teaching role for 13+ years). First step is get support from the school, and keep reassuring her.

I would definitely let the school know she's anxious about the transition, and they might be able to do something extra to support. For example, my school has already asked teachers for names of children who might benefit from extra transition support, and they'll be invited in during the summer holidays to see the new classroom when it's all quiet.

At my previous school, I would always start to prepare children who I thought might struggle. As soon as I knew who their new teacher would be (but before they were told), I would send them (with a friend) to pop to the new classroom and ask to borrow something/take a note, or the new teacher would just happen to be passing and pop in and look at their work/have a little chat. That way, when they found out who the new teacher was, they'd be a somewhat familiar person.

All schools I've worked in have made transition books for children with SEND or who were particularly anxious - these had pictures of their new teacher/classroom/other staff in the year group, as well as extra information about different breaktimes etc.

There's a picture book called "Leaving Mrs Ellis" which you might find helpful to read with your DD. The child in the story is anxious about moving to a new year group and meeting their new teacher, but bumps into the new teacher in the holidays and makes friends with her.

DD1 was like this. It was more the change that unsettled her tbf. I'm glad that she didn't come across the fad of mixing classes, although she didn't have a brilliant class, because that would have upped the stress further as more change.
She was like that up until end of year 5, even if she liked the teachers for next year.

The others, including ds, who is autistic, didn't find it as hard.

It’s just the age. Dd sobbed her heart out at the end of year 3 about changing teacher. Within two years she barely acknowledged the same teacher. And two years after that she didn’t even recognise him on the street!

Poor thing. I would speak to the school, see if there’s anything they can do to get DD excited about going into year 2.
Im a teacher and in the past I’ve had children coming to my classroom for some time each week so they get to know me or even just their classroom if I wasn’t going to be staying in that room as their teacher. All of the uncertainty is huge and she knows now that everything will change after having it happen last year. How was she in September?

I’m a SEN TA, I’d say this was normal! Of course they love the people they have formed a bond with. My son has been devastated multiple times during his primary education and again recently, in secondary, when his lovely headmaster left (they shared a hobby and set up a club together). It’s totally normal in my experience. Even I have students who pop and see me and say “we miss you”!

Thank you for all the tips and advice. I think I'll mention it to the school and see if they can offer her any support with the transition.

I guess when you spend almost every day of the year with someone and form a special 'bond' it's bound to be upsetting when you need to leave that behind. I'll continue reassuring her that she will still see her teacher about the school and her next teacher might be just as special as this one. Bless her sensitive little soul.

I guess in a way, although I'm struggling to help her manage these big emotions, I'm pretty thankful that she's had such a great year and her teacher has had such a wonderful impact on her. I'll need to remember to write a little thank you note to her too.

I've ordered the books mentioned too, these seem promising.

My DD's Year 2 was cut short by Covid and not finishing off that school year with a lovely teacher was for her like a bereavement. There was no convincing her away from it - for her the fact that she would never have that time with that teacher was devastating. Definitely validate her feelings - it's sad to leave a teacher you really like etc and focus on the positives - I bet there will be cool new things next year etc. Be positive and hide any worries you may have for her moving up. Read up on anxiety in girls/teens, techniques to give them greater confidence/resilience and where you can get support should you need it. For us it peaked in year 4 (hormones) and it was hard to get her into school. The school did some great 1:1 work on her self confidence and self esteem as well as calming techniques and referred us to CAHMS. Now she's a sassy confident Year 7 taking it all in her stride.

@CantShakeItOffShakeItOffThey will
have a really nice transition day. We’ve got ours coming up. It’s always a really positive time and lots of support and encouragement. She will be ok! She will also likely see plenty of her current teacher.

At my DDs’ primary, children and parents only find out which class they will be in and who the teacher is on the first day of term in September. It’s a two-form entry school and the classes are mixed up and changed every year. It’s also possible that you could have the same teacher the next year.

Now is a good time to talk to school, any teachers leaving had to resign by today, so if it's a small school with limited turnover of staff they may well know who next year's teacher will be. If it's a 5 form entry inner city school then all bets are off!