Daughter not being allowed to sit A-level?

[MellowSnail]

DD got 7s to 9s at GCSE at her current private school

Unfortunately in 6th form she got disrupted by boy issues.

She initially was doing maths, biology, and psychology, but maths was downgraded to AS, and finally dropped.

She is now due to sit biology and psychology, but the school don't think she should sit biology, having scored Es consistently in mocks. Her psychology is at C.

She has an offer of 32 pts for foundation psychology, so can do that with a C or two Es.

Her other offers are typically 2 Cs, so a C and an E or D wouldn't realistically help. (She has an AA non-foundation offer)

Her exams are

psych 1 16 May
Psych 2 21 may
Bio 1 5 June
Psych 3 9 June
Bio 2 13 June
Bio 3 18 June

She has been of the opinion that she will improve. However her attendance is very poor and reasonably this is in doubt.

The school have said:

Come into school (when others are on study leave) and the psych teacher will help you one to one until the end of exams.
Drop biology.

This makes some sense as she might therefore do better in psychology. However it might be she is lazy and doesn't want to go into school idk.

Anyway, can anyone advise:

1. Can we insist that she does biology? ultimately if she's informed of the consequences it is her decision to make
2. Is she likely to get anywhere with, say, 1 A in psychology, and no other A-levels, in clearing? I.e. is the school's suggestion/decision in her interests?

So. That's the choice you've given your daughter? You just want her gone?

I agree. What a shocking attitude. How much help and support have you given her?

I don't understand. Why can't your daughter stay at home?

Poor kid:(

Yes to this.

And she needs to be permitted to live at home.

While she's living at home, she needs to get the support and counseling she needs - diagnosis, therapy, etc. You and her mother need to work hard together on this. Involve the grandparents if that would be helpful.

If the relationship was abusive or exploitative, she could get help from Women's Aid.

School have got back to me to confirm that "in accordance with our terms and conditions she can't sit the A-level".

I have asked for further clarification about whether there is any other way that she might take it.

Have you sat down with your daughter and had a conversation about what she wants to do?

Poor kid. Have I missed where she would come and live with you if her mother kicked her out for being a teenager difficult?

If it were my daughter, she wouldn't sit any A levels this year. I'd pay for tutoring now until september (maths included). I'd find a strict boarding school for September, to give her the head space to concentrate and get decent A levels. Paying for university would be dependent on her getting a decent set of A levels.

Going to university with such poor results and attitude will be a disaster. She'll end up doing a course not worth the paper it's written on if she even manages to muster the discipline she will need to pass. She would be better off getting a job.

Of course she wants to go to uni. She will be able to do more of the same without you on her back.

She should not go away to university in October, that would be an absolute catastrophe. You and her mum need to spend time and effort working out what would work for her and formulate some reasonable plans that you can support her with.

The mother needs to stop the wishful thinking here and grow up.

The idea that you or she could just cast this girl out and hope her problems all magically sort themselves out is head in the sand behaviour that has no place in parenting.

Both of you need to take responsibility and do whatever it takes to get this girl the MH support she needs.

I would do both exams. There is no harm in trying.

however, I think everyone is naive to think going to uni is going to change things. Psychology demands a lot of course work so she if she is not doing the work now, she is not going to do the work if there is less supervision.

> So. That's the choice you've given your daughter? You just want her gone?

No, she hasn't been offered any choice in such terms. She I think feels fed up or stagnant in her current living situation and wants to go off and do something else.

She has the option to go to uni (foundation year) with one C, and she wants to go to uni.

It appears that she will get one C, so it's likely that in August she will be able to go to uni.

However I'm concerned that specifically going to the lowest ranked uni with as I understand it, a number of the 'bad influence boys' is not going to work out well.

However, ultimately she will be an adult and can insist that she does just this

It is pointless her going to uni, even if it is possible, with the way she is at the moment. Maybe pointless to sit the Psychology, although if got a C that would be something, but surely she would need at least another A level to go to university.

You can't expect her to move out regardless, next year. Where would she live? It would have to be with friends or relatives, as rents are very high.

I'd suggest at least a year out, get a job and then rethink. In 18 months she could have well matured a lot and be ready to have another go at A levels. Or maybe she's not really cut out for the academic life - being handheld through GCSEs is very different to studying at university. High ability isn't enough on its own.

I'm horrified that you have both decided she can't live at home. She needs more nurturing and parental support, not less than the average.

I highly recommend a gap year working, the kind of job isn’t really relevant, in fact working at McDonald’s will teach her work ethic and they are used to teenagers - did my dd the world of good at 18. She can save up for the foundation course but as long as she’s working she needs one of her parents to give her a home

This. Maybe rather than traditionally strict, perhaps the sort of place that will pay close attention to her, keep an eye on any work that's slipping below standard, find out and nurture her interests and give her a fresh start, where she can start to believe in herself and invest her time better. Encourage her to try new things, sports etc, keep her on the straight and narrow for a year.

Would she be better enrolling in an access course next year?

I hope you can find a better way forward and get her buy-in on this.

The comment about neurodiverse kids being about 3 years behind in maturity really rings true. A friend's son ended up doing two gap years during covid - working somewhere that does residential courses, a job his mum originally found him. After that he was actually ready for uni. My eldest's gap year made a huge difference (also doing a residential job, albeit overseas).

My youngest is currently 19 (summer birthday), approaching 2nd year uni exams, and if he wasn't there already I'd only now be feeling he was ready to start the process of applying to uni. He held it together academically through 6th form, was a nightmare when I tried to take him to university open days (what's the point, why are we here anyway?), only managed to get three courses on his UCAS form because I insisted. Got into his first choice course because he really is quite exceptionally bright. Couldn't be persuaded to seriously consider a gap year. As far as we can tell he has found uni a real struggle, he got very behind after illness in first year and still doesn't seem to know how to approach studying his subject effectively. We've got our fingers crossed this year's exams will go better than he fears and that will help his motivation thereafter.

All the other "stuff" like getting a summer job let alone internships, is completely beyond him at the moment. He doesn't yet know what he wants to do. Has recently remarked on other courses / other universities he might have done better with (as well as wryly acknowledging he should have had a gap year). It would have been good if he'd looked at engineering properly.

Some of these kids find it very hard to step away from the standard path, and yet they aren't ready to follow the standard path without a bit of time off it.

I don't have any real answers to give you but you have my very best wishes that things will work out somehow for your daughter.

I have just spoken to DD and she says she wants to do both A-levels and didn't go to school today because she was feeling depressed.

She also said that she wants to go not to the 32-point uni with one C but to a different (better) uni with two Cs.

She says she doesn't at all want to spend it next year with me or with her mother, but wants to go to uni

So you're throwing your hands in the air and you think the only factor that would stop her from succeeding at university is the bad news BTEC boys...

What about an apprenticeship or apprenticeship degree.

if she’s not managing to pass her a levels how will she realistically manage university full time. You’re setting her up to fail.

This should be a clear indication to you that your daughter does not have a firm grip on reality, is very immature, and should not be allowed to go to university.

At university, you have to go to your classes and if you're feeling depressed enough to sit a class out, you have to engage with the support in place to help you get back in the game.
Has she shown herself willing to recognise reality or engage with MH support?
No, apparently.

Therefore no university.

It doesn't sound like she's put in the groundwork for that to be possible though? Can she really move up two grades in time as well as improving her Psychology? I guess I would go back with her to the school with a clear plan and evidence of a complete attitude change and see if you can persuade them to give her another chance. But I'd let her do the talking, as she's the one who will need to put a ton of work in now.

Two things: firstly, she's telling you she's depressed. Please listen to her and get her some help and support.
Secondly: she wants to go to university to get away from you both? This has deteriorated very badly. You are both going to need to put some time and effort in to support your daughter instead of just hoping that she goes away, and takes her problems with her.

I really don't think she sounds like a suitable university candidate and if she has the same attitude to studying there as she has at school then she is likely to fail. Seeing as you mention she has poor mental health this will knock her confidence further. At school she will have had teachers pushing her and wanting her to succeed, whereas at uni you are more anonymous and just another number.
What help is she getting if she has depression? Leaving home might sound exciting but I would be quite worried about her going away from home and not coping.

I would actually suggest she goes to college and completes an access course. This can then help her get into uni the following year with hopefully a better qualification.