Daughter going off to university

[Percypenguine]

My daughter is our only child and is going off to Uni this September. She’s feeling the usual overwhelming feelings. She’s a natural introvert and fears not fitting in. I want to support the best way I can, any thoughts would be much appreciated 😊

Not all Unis put the flatmates together beforehand. My son's didn't He had no idea who his flat mates were until meeting them on moving in day. There were no online chat groups set up. He didn't even know which flat he'd been allocated, let along who his flat mates were going to be.

I was fairly quiet and introverted at school, I think sometimes you are pigeonholed into types at school and rarely get the opportunity to change as you mature.
I found that starting uni was a fresh start. No one knew me so I didn’t have continue being the quiet shy type.
I would encourage her to see it as a reset. It is an opportunity to be who you really feel. It’s difficult, I am still happy with my own company but by relaxing and basically not behaving how everyone expected at home I made a lot of friends ( who I’m still in touch with 40yrs on) and released the inner person.
Joining clubs helps, but you have to put yourself out there. In the early days if you are invited out with a group of new friends/flatmates, accept the invite even if it’s not something you think you will not enjoy. Most people will be doing the same but you won’t find your group by staying in your room
As people relax over the first few weeks you find friends you want to be around and those you don’t.
The most important advice is don’t judge a book by its cover. Some of my closest friends at uni didn’t pass the first sight test but were worth a second chance.
And remember everyone will be feeling as out of their depth as you do, even if they don’t appear to be.

"The most important advice is don’t judge a book by its cover. Some of my closest friends at uni didn’t pass the first sight test but were worth a second chance."

This is good advice.

I always used to make the mistake of gravitating towards attractive, fun and exciting people, but over time I learned that quieter, more down to earth people made for better friendships. Two quiet, relatively introverted people are, by nature, doubly disinclined to approach each other for friendship, unless one of them recognises the situation for what it is and makes a bit more effort.

Whilst I agree, two quiet people getting together as friends may not always be the best option. I can see it's a kind of "safe" place, a kind of comfort blanket, to be friends with someone just like you, but I'm not sure it's the right thing for the longer term.

My son ended up very friendly with another student at Uni, who was just the same as him, very quiet, shy, introverted, he had diagnosed ADHD. Both were doing the same Maths degree and they ended up flat sharing in the third year. But it was to the detriment of making other friends, as they were "comfortable" together, living together, same lectures, same tutorials, same seminars, same exam, travelling together on the same buses, studying together in the library, etc. It basically meant neither of them "needed" to look elsewhere, so they didn't socialise with anyone else, only went to the same clubs together, etc. It actually caused my son to be more shy, quiet and reclusive! As I say, a kind of comfort blanket. He ended up actually resenting his friend by the end of Uni as he felt he'd missed out on so much, and felt he'd actually been dragged down by his friend.

I think that's what caused him to have a full "reset" when he started his first graduate job and threw himself into everything on offer at his new employer and with his new workmates. He must now have a couple of dozen friends who he does different things with, he goes to pub quizzes with some, five a side football with others, going to watch footie matches with others, cinema with a different group, plus all the usual works socials such as team lunches, team drinks, etc. The change in him since his reset upon starting work has been amazing - he's completely different, far more social and outgoing, far more confident etc.

Sadly he barely has any contact with his Uni friend anymore - they kept up facetiming and online chat at first, but DS has basically lost interest as his friend didn't get a job so was stuck at home, still playing computer games in his bedroom, never going out, and they basically ran out of things to talk about when they didn't have the common interest of their Uni course.

@taxguru I'm glad your son is enjoying his first job, but it would be a shame if that experience put him off befriending quiet people in future, or put off anyone else reading your post from doing the same. It's obviously possible to have more than one quiet friend, and a mixture of quiet/outgoing friends.🙂

I found the first couple of weeks hard. Things that helped were getting a very part time job, trying some new activities/clubs that I'd not find before - trampolining with great fun. Getting started on my classes but I was quite low contact hours.

Don't worry, he wouldn't. Some of his grad/intern friends are quiet who he's virtually "dragged" along to events etc. to include them, as he's kind of made it his mission to help new starters do what he did. He's still kind of "quiet" himself - he's not turned into some extraverted socialite - he's just more confident and social and more up for talking to new people than he used to be.

I was meaning more of when you have two "quiet" people together which they may think is good and suit them at the time, but my whole point was that it's counter productive if they kind of cling to each other to the detriment of making other friends nor trying new activities.