Are my parents making a bad choice?

[Anther220]

Hi all,

I am in Year 12, going into Year 13 in September.

My parents are planning to move house to an area that is around 40 miles away from where I currently go to school in October.

I feel like this is a very bad decision for a number of reasons:

• My commute will go from 45 minutes to upwards of 1hr 15 by train + walking to the train station
• I’ll be moving far away from all my friends so will rarely get to see them during Yr 13 and in the summer after Yr13
• My A-Level revision and overall education may be impacted by the change in a particularly crucial year

I feel like my parents have not considered me at all in this due to themselves and my sibling not being impacted as much as me - my sibling will be moving school and parents WFH.

I do not see why they couldn’t wait until after my exams to move by renewing their rental contract and they have been very ambiguous and intransigent about the situation when I express my concerns.

One solution could be renting a place near my school temporarily in the months during and before my exams but I’m not sure how practical this would be. Moving schools is not on the table either.

So, am I the one in the wrong?

Should I just stick it out for the 7 months I have in Year 13 and rent temporarily around my exams or try to persuade my parents (very unlikely as they seem to have made up their minds)?

You sound very sensible: considering your parents' perspective, working and saving so you could fund a few weeks rental/B&B around the exams.

I think your parents owe it to you to be open and honest about their reasons.

We had big upheavals when my children were young (OH too ill to go on working so had to go part time, and we had to sell our home, and schools were impacted). I was absolutely open with them and we approached it as a family challenge that we would meet together, each having to make their own sacrifices.

I honestly think this is what your parents should be doing.

Speak again to your parents to see if they will be more forthcoming about why you all have to move. You must feel bewildered and overlooked atm and I think your parents owe you more of an explanation.

Can you record chunks of your school work to listen to it on the train journey, which might be easier than reading if the train is busy.

Speak to your form teacher or the teacher in charge of pastoral support so that, at the very least, you’re not getting pulled up if something goes wrong with the commute. They may also be able to help with practical advice about study.

Good luck.

@Anther220

Could your parents find a school in their new area which is teaching your subjects for examination by the same board? If the schools could liaise with each other, you might be able to get up to speed with some extra tuition.

Which subjects are you taking, by the way?

@Anther220 I have no idea whether you and I are from different cultures and this may be a gactor, but I can't imagine not discussing issues with our DC when they were your age, or even just your sibling's age and younger. It's not like, there's no need to say anything, because they're furiously working to make sure that life remains essentially unchanged for you. A move of 40 miles is quite significant - up to when DS1 was part way through year 10 (so another really bad time to change schools), I worked about that far from home and I seriously can't imagine just springing it on him and his siblings that we were going to move to right by Mummy's work and so although primary aged sibs would be going to local schools, he was now going to.have a 40+ mile journey to and from school, instead of a short bus ride and a ten minute walk.

At the end of the day, you probably are going to just get on with it. One thing I would suggest, assuming that you will be 18 by the time that you sit your A levels, is that just to make sure that you don't risk being late or even missing exams, you could look to booking into a B&B or hotel nearer to school for the relevant nights.

Is learning to drive and buying a car an option? I know there is a huge backlog for booking tests, but people are doing creative things like taking tests in different parts of the country from where they live. Maybe your parents could support you with this to help lessen the commute?

@Mischance @urbanbuddha @TheSquareMile @Mostlycarbon
Yes, I do wish they had been more open about this with me it is really disheartening.
But I will try to have a more open and honest conversation with them soon.

In September I’ll discuss this with the pastoral team at my school to see if anything could be done about timetabling. I’ll also try to make the most of my time commuting to try and be productive.

Unfortunately the schools nearby teach different exam boards and for the one subject that is the same the modules are different. Also, my current school is very high performing and I really like the resources, teachers and overall quality of the school so wouldn’t be too inclined to move.

I am learning to drive at the moment so hopefully when I pass that can cut into the commute a bit even if it’s just from home to the station as I’m not too confident on motorways yet.

The prospect of missing or being late to my exam or missing them during exam season is what is particularly worrying and stressful for me. I do agree that the only option to ensure that there is as little risk as possible is a short-term let or hotel stay from May(April?)-June.

But overall, it looks like I will just have to put up with this for the time being and try to minimise the impact by sorting out a convenient timetable, using my commuting time productively and sorting out some sort of living arrangement near my college for my exams.

Thank you to everyone who has offered their support, your replies have been very helpful.

Might you show this thread to your parents ....... ??

You are being a typical selfish 17 yr old. My parents had the chance to move to a better area when I was your age. It meant that I would have to share a room with my sister and have nowhere except the small kitchen to study but I encouraged them to make the move and went to the public library every afternoon to study getting at home at 9.00pm every night. My daughter had a commute of 90 minutes right through secondary school - bus, train and walk. I’m sure your parents are aware of your issues and have good reasons for moving but do bear in mind that like myself, you will be off to uni before you know it.

I think it likely your parents need to do this.
So you need to make it work.

Is the train going to be a packed one, or one where you could get a table and get on with work?

Even staying in the area 1 night a week would save travel time, so you could ask around if someone would have you for £20 or £30 per night if finances allow.

Agree when it comes to exam time you may want to stay up there, you could look at air b&b or premier inns or similar maybe depending on the area. Book early enough there may be cheap deals. Will you be 18 by then (places may not rent to under 18)?

In general, approach this as a can travel/risk be minimised at important times, rather than complaining about the move.

I think they should wait. I would never have done this to our children when they were still in education.

Honestly, I think this is all a bit of a non-issue. Have you talked to your parents about whether there are other options with regards to where you all live? It very much sounds like there are financial pressures and these are clearly non-negotiable. If there's a cheaper area that is closer to school, maybe you could ask if that would be possible?

I do see that an hour and fifteen minutes is a long commute but my daughter has been doing an hour's commute since she was 11 and she seems to have coped OK. I am sure a nearly 18 year old will be fine. You can use the time to read and do homework. I'm sorry you will be further away from your friends, but as you seem to have thousands saved up since you are asking about renting a property I am sure you can cope with the train fare to see them.

You only have until about May for your daily commute as you will presumably be on study leave after that. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very short time and I think you will just need to get on with it and make the best of it.

Your parents will know that this isn't ideal. It's likely that there are external factors driving the decision, whether a financial pressure or a timing/availability issue due to the local housing market.

I have a kid going into Y13 who chose to attend a college 90mins away. It is a long commute, but you will get used to it really quickly. My DC gets two buses rather than the train, so not ideal for study, but she's learnt to treat it as me-time. She catches up on socials, watches something she's downloaded, listens to an audiobook, or if the weather's decent she gets off a few stops early and gets her steps in. You'll manage fine.

You send very thoughtful and mature.

That commute really won't be too bad compared with a 45 minute, if you are handling the 45 minute okay

I agree that very short term stay elsewhere during exam season may be useful - but think about sleep / noise / room temp etc. Try out any possibilities in advance in stress free circumstances.

This is okay. Lots of people manage this kind of commute. Don't let it worry you too much. Think how best to use the time in public transport - a bit of revision or a bit of decompressing are both good options.

Good luck.

It may be that the school space for your sibling has come up in the new area - spaces are only held for 4-6 weeks - so the move is pressing for that reason.

It may be that they cannot renew at your current house because the landlord is selling up/putting the rent up considerably given interest rate rises.

I hope and expect that your parents have weighed up the options - whilst your commute is longer, it is still doable and potentially reducible if you pass your test or they help with lifts.

I think you are over-reacting here.

My DD has done a 90 minute commute each way to school since Y1 (now going into Y11).

Trains generally have wifi these days and you can use the time to study, read a book or even watch Netflix.

Get a season ticket and then you can use the train at weekends to meet up with friends.

In terms of missing exams etc then make sure you are signed up for alerts from the train company. Use Trainline to check for disruption. If you have something really essential then get a train earlier than the one you need to ensure you are there on time.