Child care arrangements.

[CoralTurtle]

Hello, looking for some advice and outside opinions please?

Mum is moving area with her partner, so they are closer to her partners work. With this mum wants to move the children’s school to one closer to the new house. (Distance is 45minutes, this is without taking traffic into account, as the whole way there and back builds up with bad traffic). Both parents have PR

Mum and dad have a 50/50 split, Monday-Wednesday, Wednesday-Friday and Friday-Sunday. These alternate over 2 weeks to share the weekdays and weekends and continues to repeat.
With this, the 50/50 split won’t be able to continue for the children. Due to mum and dad both not driving. Taking public transport to get them to school on time isn’t reasonable for either side due to how early the children would have to wake up to get there (8&9years old). So if children moved school dad would not be able to take them to school and back. And if the children stayed at the current school mum would not be able to take them to school and back.

The eldest is going into year 6 in September and will be participating in her SATs. And the youngest receives therapy within school (struggles with dealing with her emotions) Is it a good idea to move them schools?

The school mum wants them to go to has a higher offsted than the school they are at currently.
Both mum and dad are in disputes about the situation, mediation has been tried so far but sadly no progress. Obviously with this, means the 50/50 will end when mum moves house. And now it’s trying to see what’s best for the children for a routine of spending time with both parents.
Any advice please?

Are you Dad or dad's partner?

Mums doing it so it’s easier for her partner to get to work and back (so it’s quicker for him). And because they share a child together (and another one on the way), so her partner would be back from work sooner to be with his children. But hasn’t thought of the 2 other children in it, as if it goes mums way, the children loose a lot of time with their dad. Mum is offering only weekends (as dad works during the weeks). But dads suggestion works best for where the children still see both parents for the maximum quality time but mum won’t agree because it means the children won’t move schools and be with her then

I’m dad’s partner (I’ve been in the children’s lives for nearly 7 years, and mums partner has been in the children’s lives I think 3-4years). Looking for advice and outside opinions on it. As both mum and dad might not be seeing or thinking of what others may see or think of on the circumstances

I thought so. It's jarring when all posts are in the third person so it's good to know who's posting.

Such a shame, seems as though there has been a really good coparenting relationship until now and suddenly mum wants to put her partner before her kids, their education and their time with their dad. I think the move should be cancelled and perhaps looked at at a later date when one or both parents can drive or kids are old enough to take public transport. Moving schools before exams is just a bad idea for the first child, and a terrible idea for the other child that has additional help at school. I feel bad for the dad and the kids

Sorry for the confusion on that 😊. Just want to make sure dads doing the right things and taking the right steps. He just wants what’s best for their children, it’s a tricky situation as both children are confused with mum saying things to them that she shouldn’t be.
She also keeps saying “primary parent” even though they both have parental responsibilities. The only thing mum is down as for primary parent is the school contact information, as there is only one primary parent able for that. Mum keeps making dad feel like he’s just a baby sitter for their children with the things she says. As well as “consistent parent”, even though dads always been consistent, even when mum tried to stop dad having their children when they were younger he was still showing up to try to collect them and going back home heart broken because he hadn’t seen his children. Mums tried to say dads lying whenever this has been mentioned, especially around others and her partner. But it’s true, mum stopped dad having their children for no reason on many occasions when they were younger.
Mum would also try to cause arguments with dad when picking the children up again for no reason, and the children would be in the living room watching out the window and listening. We said to mum we weren’t arguing with her and that she shouldn’t be doing it as their children are watching with the window open whilst eating food. To which mum then said “don’t tell me how to parent, you’re not their mum and you don’t even have children”. I’ve had the you’re not their mum told to me many times by mum. But she’s happy for me to be seen as a motherly figure on Mother’s Day because she buys cards and gifts for her partner from the children on Father’s Day, that’s the only time she’s allowed me to be seen as a motherly figure to them because dad mentioned that it wasn’t fair how she was constantly making me feel how she did but then was buying her partner things for Father’s Day from the children. All she got their dad was a card from them, so I bought him presents from their children. As it wasn’t fair she was buying her partner loads of presents but only getting them to give their dad a card. On every Mother’s Day we’ve always bought mum presents from their children, as we feel it shows that there is good co-parenting their for them. But sadly there isn’t, co-parenting between mum and dad has never been good. Dad tries to avoid arguments and only contacts when necessary. But now mums partner is trying to make dad contact him instead of mum, breaking the communication even further (even when both mum and dad were advised to not cut or stop communication between them both especially with the current circumstances)

Dad needs to hire a solicitor and get a court order preventing the children from moving schools.
since he lives close to the schools, he can be do the majority of parenting and mom can do the every other weekend plus one evening a week that she will inevitably think is adequate for dad to maintain a relationship.

Sadly the co-parenting relationship has never been good between mum and dad especially communication wise. Mum is currently using the children as a messenger, telling them what time mum will pick them up from dads, and not actually telling dad. And then there’s times mum doesn’t even communicate this, so we’re left waiting and guessing for what time mum will pick them up. Since the move has started communication has broken down even more. Mums partner is now trying to make dad message him for anything instead of mum (both advised to keep communication open between themselves and not stop it).

Dad doesn’t think it’s right to be moving their school, especially with the circumstances of exams and already having support in place (it wasn’t easy to get the support either for the youngest). The children’s time with dad hasn’t been thought of by mum. Mum saw the only change would be just moving school, didn’t even think of the big change of seeing their dad drastically less or not seeing their friends. Even though mums suggestion only allows the children to see dad on weekends. Its a shame this situation is happening.
I see it as, mum is moving but that doesn’t mean the children have to. Mum is moving away from the children and everything the children have here. I get the distance isn’t massive but it’s still a distance that will change a lot of things. Dads working hard to pass his driving test as well as saving for a car but it’s whether he passes first time and how soon he can get a car

Thank you, yes dad’s looking into this option but dad’s thinking of trying without a solicitor. Unfortunately one of dad’s family members went through a similar thing after a break up, so they’ve been really helpful giving advice (they did it without a solicitor also).
Myself and dad have been doing a lot of research and legal research as well. Dad’s documenting everything with proof. Dad has documents prepared if needed for court which is all child focused on what he is offering and why his suggestion benefits the children the most.

This.

Mum doesn't get to move the goalposts then call all the shots. She can absolutely move wherever she likes to suit her boyfriend's work but she then has to accept that she will be sacrificing time with her children. Which would be her choice. She doesn't get to have it all her way and reduce the kids time with their dad just to suit her boyfriend.

Completely agree with this. Dads even said himself he’s not bothered where mum moves to as that’s up to her. But when it starts to affect their children (with all the changes mum wants to make) and affects their time spent with dad and family that’s when he cares. Mum says it can’t be dads way or not way, but it is mums way or no way, as mums purposely taking the children to the new area and telling them it will be their new primary school and that a high school is where they will go. Calling all the shots, and telling the children things are going to happen that haven’t even been agreed upon. Mum is adamant these things are happening. It’s awful, dad worked so hard to get a place to be closer to the children’s school and where they live so it was easier for him to have them on school nights so it could be 50/50. It’s been a great 50/50 routine for the children and they are so settled within it. It’s a shame it’s all going to change now

Dad isn't calling all the shots. She is the one changing the status quo. She can't expect dad just to accept a reduction in time with his kids because of a choice she is making.

I think dad should apply to court and have a court order in place. The fact that she is involving such young children in this decision making will not look good for her. She is behaving appallingly and not in the kids best interests at all.

Thank you, dad has the form signed that’s needed to apply for court. As they tried mediation but it didn’t go well, it was just mum trying to throw digs at dad.
Shes saying dads 9-5 job stops him spending quality time with his children and that’s why they should move school and be with her. But dad’s still able to take them to school, and he has great quality time after school with them. They do their reading and any homework with dad. And then they have something different each night of the week they are together, like craft night, quiz night, swimming. So dad feels he does get quality time with the children. He doesn’t think it’s fair mums trying to use his job against him when there are so many other parents with 9-5 jobs. Mums using this against him as she’s off work now until after maternity leave so she’ll have more time (even though she’ll have a toddler and a new born at the time as well as wanting their two children, mums expressed to dad in the past how she was struggling to give their children enough attention after school on her nights due to having to look after the baby, so dads suggestion would make it easier on mum. As the children told dad they was upset because they didn’t feel they was getting enough attention off mum at the time)

Didn't find it jarring.
It was clearly written so that posters didn't start replying with their own biases and prejudices.
It was all perfectly clear.

Thanks for your input

How do you get the mum to stop involving the children so much?
She won’t stop and it’s causing so much confusion for the children. She’s actively talking to them about everything single detail.
Saying she’ll win with it going to court and that she’s the primary parent. She’s promising the children things that she won’t be able to commit to, to persuade them to pick her. Dad doesn’t agree with this at all, as the children shouldn’t be involved this much. Even the children have questioned these promises she’s making. As she’s made these promises in the past and made excuses as to why they won’t happen.
The youngest (8years old), was crying their eyes out at bed time because they don’t want things to change and don’t want to see either parent less. They think they’ll barely see their dad (as mum has told them she’s going to win and they’ll move school and be with her. There is no winner, no such thing. It’s what’s best for the children, but mum is treating it like it’s a competition). It’s heart breaking seeing the children this upset and confused on it all. Dad’s debating on withdrawing the court application because mum is causing this much confusion for the children. It’s so unfair on them to be in this situation.

He should continue with the court application and also provide any evidence he has of mum involving the children as this won't go down well at court. It's emotional abuse.