Boarding school parents.

[Betterbeready]

My son has recently come out as gay..This took us by complete surprise.He was due to join a boarding school at 6th form depending on results. He is likely to achieve the results and is looking forward to going. I think it changes things and he will need us more than he realizes now.

I am now having second thoughts. Any advice from boarding school.parents would be much appreciated.

I have two children currently at a big co-Ed boarding school. DS is in his last year.

It’s really not a problem at their boarding school, I am casually told every year, oh so and so has come out as gay now and the conversation moves on. There are always new children joining at sixth form and there is a programme in place to help them settle in, find their way around campus and someone volunteers to buddy up with them while they find their feet. Sixth form usually share a room with one other or have their own room. My heterosexual son shared with a new gay boy for one term last year, didn’t think anything if it other than mentioning it. Their school doesn’t tolerate bullying or anything like that. At a big school everyone finds their group of friends. My DD’s best friend was non binary last year but now has changed her mind. We just smile and nod.

I would not make it a big deal and carry on as planned. If you have a specific concern I am happy to answer any questions.

I understand you want to protect your DS but I think changing plans might signal to your son that him being gay was a problem.

@BlueSkies50 Thank you for replying. The world has obviously moved on a lot , my son tells me it has.I was worried about boys not wanting to share a room with him. I was also worried that some parents particularly if they are from a culture where being gay is not tolerated. There are lots of international families as is the case with most boarding schools.

Your reply is very reassuring . Thank you xx

You are very welcome Betterbeready. The only overseas child at my kids school that has been both unpleasant to the gay children and leery with the girls is a Russian boy. The school gives the boy punishments but the children are also told it will take time to change the boys outlook as he has been brought up very differently and his home country is anti-gay. The boy will put his hand up in PSRE or in talks and stoutly say being gay is wrong etc. The whole school basically roll their eyes and try to nudge him into the 21st century. The Asian children don’t cause any problems.

You should be able to find out easily if at your son’s school sixth formers share a room or have their own. A lot have their own room with a desk in my experience.

I have also been surprised at how few pupils are girlfriend and boyfriend. I went to a convent school in Dublin and assumed a co Ed boarding school would have lots of this. Quite relieved they don’t. What I’m trying to say is you rarely see boys and girls holding hands or kissing, so your DS wouldn’t stand out by not having a girlfriend. My DS has never been in a relationship but has female friends obviously. If this is your first time in the independent sector you should know they keep them extraordinarily busy with their work, sport, music and a tonne of compulsory extracurricular stuff. I’ve waffled on! I hope your DS gets great results and enjoys the boarding school experience.

I would absolutely not worry about it, but what you could do is speak to the school in advance ref: their pastoral support/policies in place for your DS. The only thing you might need to check first is if your DS is OK with the school knowing (or being able to put 2 and 2 together if you're asking about their policies and pastoral support for LGBTQ+) Hope it goes well. x

Thank you@BlueSkies50 and @Bigfathairyones , it's come as surprise to us ,looking back in hindsight I don't know how I didn't realize.
I will speak to my son about contacting the school and feel I really should. He will be sharing a room.for the first year at least. It's been a little difficult for my husband and I to process , my son on the other hand has never been happier. He"s very much looking forward to 6th form and what follows. Best wishes to your son @Blueskies50
for the A level"s and beyond. We have often visited Ireland and absolutely love it. The people are amongst the best in the world. I actually thought of Ireland after my son spoke to us , it's come so far in the last few decades, a wonderful place.x

I was also worried that some parents particularly if they are from a culture where being gay is not tolerated. There are lots of international families as is the case with most boarding schools. If anything, I think these children will benefit and hopefully opinions will shift in their own countries.

Thank you @IReallyCan xx

It really is not the issue it was a generation ago. Saw one boy walking round with eyeliner and an earring and I took a second look but my dc gave me an eye roll and nonchanantly said oh he’s gay but they didn’t care one bit. Anything goes these days. It’s rather lovely.

Another voice saying that it will absolutely not be an issue. I’m sure I am exaggerating slightly, but it seems as if almost a third of the older teenagers I know identify as bisexual or gay or non binary. Acceptance of all possibilities is very much the thing at boarding schools these days. Your son will be absolutely fine, I’m sure.

Thank you both @leftandaright and @NeedingCoffee, that is so reassuring.You mumsnetters really are a lovely bunch. xx

Both my boys are full boarders, one in singe sex and one in co-Ed. It doesn't bother either of them if someone is gay and they certainly wouldn't tolerate any bullying!

Just to add to all the pp's. My children (both in co-ed boarding) say it definitely isn't an issue. Makes no odds to friendship groups and both have shared rooms happily with bi/gay roommates.

I would add to this too.

My DS is in a very traditional, old boys boarding.

Absolutely no problems there, infact there is a student body under Diversity, which helps with LGBT, headed by a gay student. It was set up to support students from that community, and there have been teaching/awareness sessions. At some point the school flew the flag - I think it was February.