I feel sick. DS has just told me he's lonely at school.

[SheepishPeachesMcLean]

DS went into Year 2 of a new school in September. He's having trouble making friends but I didn't realise how bad it was until he told me today he feels very lonely at school because no one plays with him. Now I've been in tears about this (not where he can see) and I will go and see the teacher again but what realistically can she do about it?

I've spoken to her before about how DS is settling in. She says he's absolutely fine, it's like he's always been in the class and that he plays with everyone. He was getting on with one boy, who came round for tea one evening, but today DS told me that boy won't let him play with him anymore. He won't let him join in the games. There's a girl he gets on with and seems to spend quite a bit of time with (she's into superheroes apparently) He told me there's no one else in the class he plays with. We went to the school fair yesterday and he didn't hook up with any of the other children, in fact just seemed to ignore the ones who spoke to him. By the end, he looked quite lost and unhappy.

So just now, I said to him "we haven't had anyone round for tea for a while have we? Shall we put a note in someone's book bag and invite them round?" DS just said "no, I don't want to". And looked glum.

The teacher doesn't instill me with confidence to be honest, she just smiles and says DS is fine. What can I ask her to do? Should I talk to the Head instead?

Not suprisingly, this is making me feel sick with anxiety so any suggestions will be really appreciated.

Dd is starting a new school in September going into year 2 and I have worries that this may happen. Out plan of attack is that we are going to throw a party in late september ( her birthday is in mid september) and attach a little note saying I know you child doesn't really know mine but she is new so please come.

Perhaps you could do a christmas craft party and do similar to break the ice.

It's nice to do that early on and great for me to meet the parents. But he's been to a couple of school parties already and spends all day with the children, so why is he still having problems? There's another party this afternoon. I'm planning to stay around to see how he gets on with them. Have an awful feeling it's not going to be good. It's almost like he isolates himself.

Aw Peaches

Hopefully you will be able to observe the extent to which he is mixing with the other children.

And it is still early days.

It can take a while, my dds changed schools twice last year and the second time my dd1 was at the beginning of yr 2. It took her two terms to make a good friend, but now, after a year or so, she's got 2 very close friends at school and a third "best" friend round the corner.

We did the big birthday party thing (in contrast to most parents in yr 2 who had just small parties, which my dd wasn't usually invited to cos she was new and shy ) and invited children round, I think those things do help, but it can take time.

Fennel you've just made me think that part of the problem with the teacher might be that DS doesn't come across as shy at all. In fact, he can seem rather confident and blase about it all. I think that might be why she doesn't think there's an underlying problem.

I am very familiar with this. We moved nearly 3 years ago and ds2 has never got on with the children in the class he moved into although he was extremely popular at his old school. It is horrid to think that your darling boy is rejected by others. My son's situation improved about a year ago when a new boy joined the class. He and ds2 have things in common and we are additionally lucky in that he lives across the road from us so ds2 is able to call for him quite often after school. I would not say it had solved the problem as the other boy seems to be accepted by the class in the way my son is not, so he does not feel as strongly about my son as my son feels about him iyswim, but at least some of the time they are bosom pals.

I think you should go to the teacher again. It does not always seem like there is anything she can do, but my son was in Year 2 when we moved and this trouble began, and his teacher was able to speak to the class about including my son and learning to appreciate him for who he was. It didn't really help long term, but it helped short term and it also helped me to feel better about the situation, in that I felt I had done what I could. You might feel better too, if you feel you have explored every avenue.

Peaches, I know you feel awful (and probably that standard mum emotion - guilty) but it is very early days.

Did he make friends easily in his other school? Is he still in touch with them?

Thanks. Party was encouraging I think. He does appear to muck in and get on with it, but seems to want better one to one friendships. And he can get quite sulky and bossy if he perceives something is unfair, which the other children won't like

Odd situation in class. It's a group of 25 Year 1 children and 5 Year 2 children. There's a further class with the rest of the Year 2 children. I've mentioned to the teacher that for a boy joining a new school, I'd have preferred it if he was in the all Year 2 class, if that makes sense. Because if he does bond with a Year 1 child best, they'll get split up next year. So more disruption. Furthermore, for many of the classes, DS goes into the other Year 2 class, so he's being split between 2 groups throughout the day.

The boy who came to tea was a Year 1 and when the teacher found out, she said that I shouldn't bother cultivating that friendship, and perhaps DS should invite another particular boy round. When I mentioned that other boy to DS, he just said he didn't play with him much. Whaffling now, but just feeling the teacher isn't really understanding how tricky DS is finding it.

Hi Mercy, you posted whilst I was typing my epic

He had one best friend at his old school, and a whole circle of childen he would play with, though he swore blind he didn't. I'm beginning to talk myself through this one, aren't I! But knowing that's the way he works is only a small consolation when he tells me he's lonely. That's really not something you want to hear, is it? So yes, feeling awful and guilty.

Do they have a suggestion box in the reception area at this school for parents? This might help -

At our primary school they have what they call a "friendship stop" (basically it is like a huge santa stop here sign) and this is put in the playground for all breaks and lunchtimes. If any child does not have someone to play with , they go stand at the stop and then teacher, dinner lady and other children are aware that the child is on their own and it gets sorted.

It might be something to think about?

Why do you think your DS's teacher said you shouldn't bother cultivating a friendship? She seems very harsh to me.

Oh I would be quite annoyed at my son being in a class of 25 Year Ones and only 5 Year Twos. (In my son's case that would be particularly inappropriate as he is very bright and has an older brother and gets on better with older children than he does his own age group and certainly younger children, although he does play with one boy in the year below). I can see that the school may have had no choice as to which class your son went into (I presume the all Year Two class is full) but even so, a year is quite an age gap at that age and your son's potential friendships must be a bit limited. I agree that it sounds as though he will be separated from the younger children next year (hence teacher's comment re not bothering with a younger child - extraordinary thing to say IMO ) but at least he has a chance to see the other Year Twos in other lessons.

I agree that you should try to identify some children to invite round to your house although don't expect to get that right. I did that for my son and chose a child whose mother I got on with. The boy then became the bane of my son's life! I wouldn't have him here for anything now!

It's a good idea about moving to the other class. It's full though, so unless someone leaves, there's no space. I understand it's quite common to have mixed classes - I've asked on here before about it and I think it's usually done on age. Doesn't mean I think it's fair on DS though, and I do think he finds it disruptiv. When i asked the teacher, she explained all this and then shrugged and said "well you know, he was the last one to join, so, that's it really".

I'm having trouble engineering playdates as well. I work full time except Fridays, so have very limited time to do "networking" amongst the other mothers, who let's face it, are just interested in their own friendships. I can keep trying with the note in the book bag approach, and see if DS agrees to letting me do that, but he was so reluctant earlier.

He does stay in touch with his old best friend, and last night stayed over at his house. They had a great time.

Could I talk this next bit through please? I'm going in late to work this morning because I took DS to school so i could collar the teacher and arrange to meet her.

I briefly told her what the problem is and she was great, to be fair. She was really surprised and said that DS is always in a group of people. She readily agreed that she would feel sick if her son had said that, and repeated that she was really surprised because my son seemed so easy going and settled. Unfortunately we can't meet until Friday as she has meetings after school each night this week. She apologised for that. Friday is fine for me, and as I've flagged it up (again) she'll keep an eye on things during the week and can report back.

Now, do I take DS to that meeting? How much do I talk to him about all this? Obviously I want him to be able to talk to me if he's feeling lonely but I don't want him to feel bombarded or that I've blown it out of all proportion. He saw me talking to the teacher this morning and will ask later what it was about. I normally collect him on Fridays so I'll either have to make alternative arrangements or have DS there with me. DH could probably collect him and take him off, but I think DH might want to be there himself. He's worried too. I've also mentioned to the teacher that it's tricky engineering playdates when I don't know the parents and I'm rarely there. I said hopefully we can talk about that on Friday. Maybe she can help with that too. Dunno.

I get the feeling it's not that he doesn't play iwht the other children, but that somehow he's feeling lonely in the crowd because he doesn't have a best friend yet. I watched him in the playground and today at least he was straight in with a group looking at pokemon cards. But he doesn't always do that and I have seen him wandering round looking lost before.

Sorry to go on like this but it is just gut wrenching when your child comes out with saying he's lonely. So, do I take him on Friday or not?

I would not take him with you when you speak to the teacher. I didn't take my son. It allows both you and the teacher to really say what you want without worrying about what your son will hear. If you wanted him to feel part of the consultation, or to have his say, you could always ask him to come in at the beginning or end to talk with you and the teacher together, but make sure you have some time alone with the teacher just in case there is anything sensitive that needs to be said.

It is good that you have spoken to the teacher today and her response sounds really promising. Good luck getting this issue resolved.

It must be reassuring to you to know that he is always in a group. Sometimes boys don't have "best mates" - they just have a crowd. Boys tend to get involved in "bigger" games anyway, don't they? tag, football, etc.

We had a situation with DD in Reception where she was choosing to play on her own, which was odd - people were inviting her to play in the playground and she was turning them down. Maybe he is doing this sometimes.

I'd say go to the meeting anyway - and keep in touch with old best friend, definitely.

Crikey DG you here again? good to see you! You're probably right too.

Doesn't help that DS doesn't do the bigger games very well, team games don't come naturally to him, and he's not very co-ordinated in kicking a ball (wonder where he gets that from? ) I think he may be turning people down - evidence at the Christmas Fair t'other day certainly suggests that. Odd child...

It is definitely the no-best-friend yet feeling coupled with joining a new school too, Peaches. Ds did not really settle to having a best friend in his school (where he had been since Reception) until the beginning of Yr3. Until then, we often had "I'm lonely" and we too took it up with the teacher urgently, to be told he was always in the group games and cheerful in class. We would not have included ds in that discussion.
I think for some little boys, group stuff such as football is not enough. Ds is not a big fan of football so likes to chat, swap Pokemon or play with a couple of pals at playtime and he wanted that before he had the social maturity to make it happen IYSWIM.
Any good friendships you can keep going out of school will always be a welcome respite from playground hierarchies and schisms.
We currently have a Greta Garbo in Reception too UnquietDad. "I play on my own because I like it" alternates with sudden boo-hooing "Nobody wants to play with me".

Identifying with Greta Garbo tendencies. With a mother like me, poor kid's doomed... Am very sensitive about loneliness for him though, only child, no cousins, no extended family around.

GOT to go to work now, but would welcome any other comments / experiences which might help me work through it with him. Thank you.

I think Marina's point is really good. Lots of boys move about in packs and dip in and out, and play with different children.

DS1 was like your son Peaches. And he moved about in a group, and played with different boys but he felt lonely because he didn't have a best friend. For him, that was friendship, not big pack playing. The teacher thought he was fine. It's the difference between their expectations of friendship and the maturity to pull it off.

It took him a while to work it out, and now he's in Y5 and has a closer group of friends (at last!) and seems much happier.

I wouldn't take ds to the meeting. I would keep on getting children round, even if it's a bit grim and a non-starter - eventually you will hit gold.

Also - don't worry about not being there or not knowing the Mums. I often get calls from people I've never met saying 'X would like dd to come and play' and I ask dd and she says 'Oh yes, she's nice.' The mothers aren't really that important in this, honestly.

unqietdad--- my dd is doing this a little even though all the kids want to play with her she chooses to either play on her own or with someone else. What did you do about it?