WWYD? Siblings at different schools

[Oneweekleft]

Hi there,

A few years ago DS1 secured a place at a prep school with a large bursary. DS1 is very strong in maths, sporty, competitive and independent minded. He wasn't really bothered about leaving friends as he'll play with anyone. We wanted him at the Prep as we think he's challenged more there and sport was only twice a week at the state school vs every day at the prep. DS1 has settled in well and we will
be aiming for him to get a bursary at 13+. I know they are rare but we feel he will be in with a good chance. We know we are extremely lucky by the way and very grateful for the opportunity.

DS2 is now coming up to the time where we'd have to apply for the Prep if we wanted him to go there. We want to give ds2 the benefit of smaller class sizes, better facilities etc and equal opportunity to his brother but Im worried what will happen at the next stage. DS2 is average across the board academically. He is sporty but that's obviously not enough! DS2 is very happy at his current school with a really close group of friends something DS1 didn't really have. The state is ofsted rated "outstanding" so its not wildly djfferent from the prep but the class sizes are obviously double the size. Now Im in 2 minds about applying for him. I can't see him being granted a bursary at 13 + stage as hes not outstanding in anything. From what I've gathered from reading on here the Prep might grant ds2 a bursary despite average ability due to his brother already being at the school. I feel DS2 would settle at the prep as hes very sociable and makes friends easily and would probably enjoy the facilities but wonder if we are setting him up for a shock of having to transfer back to state school at age 11 and whether it will be worth him going. Obviously our finances could change in the next 5 years but its doubtful that theyd change that radically! So WWYD?

Can't you keep DS2 at a state primary and bank the money you would have spent on fees. Then you have a bit of money aside to subside him, in lieu of a bursary at secondary.

I thought bursaries were means tested? So if you've got one for DS1, why wouldn't you get one for DS2?

I'd focus on the decision for now. It sounds like you think the prep would offer better opportunities for DS2, so you should send him there. Leave the secondary school decision for later. If he's coming up to prep age I guess DS2 is 8/9 now? So he's too young really to have input into the decision - you need to be the parent and make it for him.

[quote Oneweekleft]@soontobe60 Thanks for sharing. I can see why you might have resented your parents. Were you unhappy at the grammar?[/quote]
Very much so.
I couldn’t settle because I felt second best to my sister.

I'm not sure what ages the dc are but I feel very uncomfortable about you saying DC2 doesn't excel in anything, then talking about finances in5 years time. In 5 years time your DC2 may well excel and your DC1 might level off with his peers.

My Dad and his sister ended up in different systems after the 11+. They never got over it and it still caused a rift up until the day he died.

Thanks to everyone who commented. Its really interesting to get some feedback and hear others' personal experiences.

There's not really a dilemma as such more that I just want to make the best possible decision for DS2 and wonder whether we should go through the process of applying for him or not which involves an assesment for him and submitting lots of documents etc. And whether in the long run the prep would be better for him than the state school if hes going to continue with state at secondary. Its a fair point that hes only young and prep could hopefully bring out his potential. My reservations are that hes happy where he is and hes got a really nice group of friends who live near by, hes invited to their houses spontaneously after school etc and im worried he could lose all that. Fwiw ds1 doesnt have these kind of friends like ds2 and is sometimes quite envious of him being invited places. Ds2 also does beavers which ds1 could not get a place at. Of course ds2 might make great friends at the prep too but it just seems a risk. DS1 can at least stay at prep til y8 but im worried ds2 might need to return to state at 11 and whether that will be alot of disruption to him. Anyway i think many of you understand where im coming from and i dont want to repeat things.

Its not a case of me giving preferential treatment to ds1 as he got his place due to his academic performance at the assesment rather than me paying for one and not the other. Im trying to do the best for each of them according to their personalities and talents. We want to prioritise sports and clubs for ds2 as ds1 gets more sports at school. However at the moment ds2 only wants to do 2 extra curricilar things and says no to doing more. He wants to be at home mostly after school. As i say they have different personalities.

I never said ds2 doesnt excell at anything i said hes average academically at this current point in time therefore hes only likely to get a bursary at the prep due to his brother being already at the school which is ok at this stage but secondary bursaries are rare. Ds2 has lots of qualities like working well in a team, social skills, co ordination, reading with expression etc but if secondary bursaries are so rare then he needs to be strong academically to get one and i can only predict whether he will be or not on how he is now. Pps have said there still may be opportunities for less strong candidates however and i will investigate this. I"ll probably apply for ds2 at the prep and then see how things progress and whether he gets offered a place even. Im sure the prep will give me some feedback either way. Im just trying to get as much info as possible incase he is offered a place. Apologies if im repeating myself im just a little busy at home while im responding.

Well I'm in Kent and it's very normal to have children in two different systems. The independent sector is often used as a fall back option if a child fails the 11+, so if one sibling goes to grammar and the other fails they'll go to an indie.

What wouldn't be OK would be if you were more invested in one child's education than the other. So a super sporty child may benefit from a private school where sport's a priority but a more sociable child may not like the smaller enviornment and may not be interested in all that sport.

If you think the prep is better than the state school for DS2 I think you should apply for the bursary there as you did for DS1. You can then reassess when it comes time for 11+. If he has benefited from smaller class sizes and a good education even if he isn't able to go to indie secondary he'll be well set up academically in whichever secondary he goes to. If you think he's well settled in the state and that environment is better for him now keep him there. It may not be the 'best' school for one child is the best for the other.

I'm one of 4, and we all have completely different school histories as we were all completely different personalities with different strengths and interests.

One of my siblings went to a top public school, another went to grammar till GCSE and then state 6th form (their choice and they got fabulous results at A level), my other sibling went to an indie and then grammar and I went to the grammar.

Primary was a mix of preps and state primaries.

None of us resent where any of the others went.

My own DD we have chosen to send state - she's very dyslexic and extremely musical, and the comprehensive was enthusiastic enough about her to offer her a scholarship, whereas the private schools were rather more concerned about what her dyslexia might do to their exam results. So far she seems extremely happy, with stacks of friends and to be doing far better academically than we hoped (school report next week so I may be revising that part!)

If you had a child who was a fabulous dancer, would you turn down a place at the Royal Ballet school on the basis that their sibling had 2 left feet?

OP - it could be that if DC2 is less academic, they may prefer a shorter school day, and more time for activities away from school. In which case, state school may be the better option for them.

OP, I had a colleague that had the problem of finding a bursary for secondary school, after having one at prep. It sounded a nightmare.
I think I would be tempted to stay in state for primary, and look again for y7. OR, find an all-though private school for DC2.

Although having DC at different schools is harder work for parents, it's fine. My 2 only ever had 1 year at the same school together (YrR/Yr3).

Ironically, in Sept, they will be at Uni and 6th form college 1 mile apart from each other!

Just discuss things with DC2 and explain. You might find out he prefers the shorter days of state school!!

Good luck!

I have two children at two different schools. Actually they are in two different countries. We have chosen the best school for each child and this is not an unusual approach within the prep system. In fact that’s exactly what it’s all about - choosing the right school for the child.
Both my dc went to the same prep on considerable bursaries. My eldest is off the scale intelligent (think genius on the Wechsler range) and we always thought he would enjoy the stimulation of prep. Prep was delighted to have him and he’s unsurprisingly at a top public school on a fabulous bursary. My youngest started prep as a bright, social, relaxed person. This dc’s journey through prep has been wonderful. In the final year they smashed the achievements of their sibling - was appointed head of school, won three separate scholarships to different schools in art, music and for an all rounder, has lots of friends, is motivated, emotionally intelligent, clever, caring, sporty, a natural leader, competes in sport nationally, is an art scholar, first chair in orchestra, choir soloist... Their academic grades I would say are slightly above average, but this has never held them back. I wouldn’t underestimate a good prep education for an enthusiastic, bright child. My second dc was also offered an equivalent bursary to senior school - a school which suits them and will allow them to absolutely flourish.

I'm not sure DS1 would have done well at the state simply because they couldn't tailor the work to his level

This is bollocks. Your child might be bright but so are plenty of children in state schools. What on Earth do you think a teacher’s actual job is?

In your situation I think having them in different schools would be a mistake. Not because of the schools per se but because it seems that you think the sun shines out of child 1’s arse and child 2 may always feel he’s inferior. I get it, I really do. I’ve got one very bright kid and the other with special needs who really struggles and it’s hard not to favour my eldest but it’s not fair on them.

OP I can't see any reason in your latest post why you would try and move your DS2. He's happy at his current school. He has close friends who are local that he can play with out of school. You're happy with the education he's getting. I think you even said he didn't want to move in an earlier post.

Why would you disturb that just because his brother goes somewhere else? There doesn't seem to be any real reason other than some idea about fairness. To me it feels really unfair to move him away from all his friends to a school he doesn't seem to want to go to.

@Oneweekleft

I'm not sure DS1 would have done well at the state simply because they couldn't tailor the work to his level and he's the kind of boy that acts silly if he's bored. I was worried that if he continued to be unchallenged he'd become rebellious as he's the kind of kid who pushes the boundaries. DS2 is finding the work at the right level and is coming home satisfied. So there is a difference. So far DS2 never asked to go to his brothers school and he has actually said he doesnt want to go there as hes so happy where he is. This is the dilemma I risk disrupting his hapiness and putting him into a new school which is too pushy for him. Im wondering whether to put him in for the assesment anyway and see if he's offered a place and get some feedback first before making a decision.

If DS2 is happy and thriving where he is, why not leave him there, and put some money into savings so that you have the money there for private later on, if that seems like it would benefit him at that stage. Treating them equally doesn't have to mean treating them exactly the same.

@RedcurrantPuff i absolutely dont favour dc1. Infact i get on better with dc2 and have struggled alot with behavioural issues with dc1 and dc2 has been an angel to raise in comparison! This is about their education as indivduals.... I think you're possibly projecting your own issues onto this thread. It is true that they dont always challenge the brightest kids in the state school system. I can now directly compare ds1s experience in the independent and state and know that in the independent hes getting more tailored work and its only in maths which he needs it.

Anyway many PPs seem to have understood things well and im taking on board what everyones said. Thanks to pp who raised the issue of the school day. Things like this are of concern as DS2 now enjoys going back to friends houses after school or chilling at home so he may not like a longer day. Anyway theres pros and cons of each and im going to put ds2 in for the assesment which is almost a year away anyway and see what happens and how we feel at that stage and see how ds2 develops between now and then. Im viewing it as a win win situation whether he gets a place or not. Also no one can really predict the future no matter how hard they try. I can only do the best with the information i have at the time.