Pros & Cons of boarding school

[piepuddingchips]

We are considering boarding school for dc1 in a couple of years (dc2 will follow).

Do your children enjoy it? Do you think the education is better than normal school?

What do you dislike about it?

I went to boarding school from the age of 7 and loved it (most of the time.) made exceptionally good friends, and I loved being with them as much as I was. I became very independent, very self-driven (one of the schools I was at was quite liberal and we had to organise all our own work/ when we did it etc. From the age of 12) and I loved the amount of drama and music I did. Sometimes I was very homesick however - and sometimes I felt that I didn't fit in with my friends and would have liked to have been able to take a break from them for a bit. However my parents are/ were definitely of the benign neglect school of parenting, so sending their children to boarding school worked for them. (They frequently forgot to pick me up at the end of term. On one occasion, they were 3 days late - they had moved house, and had forgotten to tell me, or the school.)
I probably won't send my children to boarding school - or if I do, it'll not be until they're significantly older than I was. At least 11, if not 13. And then we'll see if they want to go. I would miss them though.
In terms of education you get, it totally depends on the school. There are very academic ones, and there are less academic ones. The quality of teaching in some of the more academic ones is outstanding though.

I had a great time - I was self disciplined and mature, so could organise my work etc. It is harder for people who lack self motivation I think coz so many distractions. I think fees have gone up a lot since I was there, so we couldn’t afford it. but even if I could, I wouldn’t necessarily send my kid, unless they were v keen and of the right temperament - and age at least 11-13.

Pros are the independence, the broad education (including extra-curricular activities) boarding schools can offer, the structure (my child loves having set prep times etc), the sense of community which is much stronger than at day schools IME, the international mix of students. These days pastoral care at some boarding schools is very strong and in fact I moved one of my children to boarding because her day school was so poor on this score. (In my day the "care" in boarding school was terrible though. I was pretty robust and didn't mind, but obviously it won't have been like that for everyone).

Negatives are you aren't at home. If you have a bad day, or you are struggling with friendships in your boarding house, it can feel like you have nowhere to go. Independence is also a double edged sword. I never ask for help to this day, which I think is a throwback to boarding school, and I don't think that is always a good thing.

The people who suffered with boarding at my school often didn't want to be there. Many had quite chaotic home lives as well which probably compounded the issue. If a child wants to go and they are old enough (at least 11 IMO) it can be a good fit. I'd never send a child who didn't want to go though.

My eldest is just finishing a full boarding coed school. She went at 13 when they started and she has loved it, mostly.

She's maybe seemingly a bit different from a child whose been to a day school but she is not hardened or someone who has had to "survive". It's all positive. She is a vibrant, fun, engaging girl who has benefitted from a family feel of a boarding house, has made best friends for life, and has never ever had to deal with school commutes! Her day is much more balanced with work and play and sport than a day school as the time scale is extended.

She has gently grown into a lovely mature adult. She's not going to be one of those freshers who go crazy this September when she goes to university. Maybe people will think that's a downside? Probably the same who say that "sending your child away" is unnatural. Why such an arbitrary age? I'd argue my 18 year old needs me now more than 13 🤷🏻‍♀️

It takes a village. A boarding school who are good at pastoral care share that responsibility with the parents are part of that village. It's a partnership and for me it's always felt like a rewarding one.

Boarding school is very different to 20,30, 40 years ago. It's incomparable. It's like trying to compare BBC in the 1970s with Netflix 😆

For us, it's just an extension of us, our family. And DD has flourished. It's doesn't suit everyone, it doesn't suit every child, it certainly doesn't suit every parent. But I am certainly not in either the helicopter or benign neglect camp. I am just a normal parent.

They frequently forgot to pick me up at the end of term. On one occasion, they were 3 days late - they had moved house, and had forgotten to tell me, or the school.)

This is heartbreaking - I'm so sorry.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy

They frequently forgot to pick me up at the end of term. On one occasion, they were 3 days late - they had moved house, and had forgotten to tell me, or the school.)

This is heartbreaking - I'm so sorry.

I am sorry too 😔

But they could have been even more shit had you gone to a day school. I ended up at a day school myself and my parents were utterly crap.

@GreyBow @NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy exactly - I am very lucky that I was at boarding school. And my relationship with my parents is good (though we're more like friends than parents) because I didn't have to rely on them to be the best parents, the school staff were additional parents.

For a long time I thought that I wouldn't send my DCs to boarding school because I wanted to be a really good, attentive and present parent, but the two are my no means mutually exclusive (only my experience was!)

And the majority of boarding schools are really great. I think it depends on the child though as to whether or not they'd enjoy it.

And @GreyBow I'm sorry about your parents.

My DD started in September and she loves it. She is year 8 on a very good sports scholarship (couldn’t afford it otherwise) - she was really sad she couldn’t go back in January as had loved her first term. In year 8 the longest we went without her coming home was 3 weeks so it wasn’t too traumatic - she is a very independent child, has always done trips away (scouts, school residentials etc) with no tears at all, and is very sociable & unemotional. I think that helps a lot as she doesn’t get homesick & is completely suited for it.
I think it’s brilliant for the right child - if you find one that works for them then go for it.

I & my siblings went to boarding school from age 8 or 9. It was OK, in that we got a good education & made good friends & weren't miserable.

But I won't send my children to board. It feels like I was detached from the real world for years. there are many things that I missed sharing with my parents (who were overseas) and things about my schooling that make me unlike 99% of the people in the UK (including most of the people who are now my friends & colleagues). I don't like feeling like I grew up in a world set apart from normal life.

OP - do your dc WANT to board?
That is the first and possibly only question to consider.

I boarded from 16 as an overseas student and it was hard because all the friendship groups were already very tight. We bonded properly at university because some school friends studied the same subject and since then we’re inseparable.

My husband’s best friends are the people he boarded with from 13. Think that is the ideal age really.

So friendships are the biggest thing for me. I was already very independent as a personality, but that’s something I want for my own children. My girl shows signs of being very academic so I already have my eye on this - teachers have longer to teach in a school day in a boarding school and really know your strengths and weaknesses without the psychological pressure that comes from parents.

I am Indian and the immersion means I speak and write English to great fluency - that has helped immeasurably with my career (and my social status) in India.

Cons - enormously expensive and puts children in to a type of life they then have to perpetuate and then reproduce for their children
Pro’s - it all happens in one place - work, sport, social life, (for some children this can be a con though)

I boarded but don’t want my DC too as we all love the normality of our daily life, but I know they will love Uni and independence in a few years time, so win win.

I boarded and quite enjoyed it but I wouldn’t want it for my kids. The thing I found hard is always having to be on good form. If you’re stroppy with your parents, they put up with it. If you’re having a shit day, you can hide in your room. At boarding school you have no privacy, and no one who is on your side no matter what. Even good friends won’t tolerate that much - they are on your side because they get on with that and you have to work to maintain that. I also think I’m not as close to my parents as I would have been - so many formative experiences they weren’t there for.

*get on with you, not get on with that ...

My sister boarded from the age of 8. I did not. She still resents my parents for it and is jealous of me (though it was not my decision...). I would say she's not very confident and struggles.. but I don't whether she would be the same if she hadn't boarded.
We wouldn't wish to send our children as full time boarders. DC1 boards one night a week and loves it.

@GreyBow totally get that your dd isn't going to be a crazy fresher but when I went to uni there were a lot of ex-boarders who arrived complete with drug and alcohol issues. Not to mention a surprising number who needed to be shown how to do their own washing!

Not saying I've got anything against boarding and boarders, but it's not a panacea

@Cldashlda I'm sure there were! I can guess a few boarding schools where I wouldn't necessarily rate their leavers.

Actually, that's a an excellent point. When going round any school, look at who the top year is, and judge what they are like. Things don't change that fast in schools in terms of their traditions and ethos.

I also grilled taxi drivers who picked us up to ask them what the students were like. Ditto local shops.

If the top year group come across as a well rounded bunch who are polite and articulate and generally happy and achieving (not just academically), then it's a great start. If they are the sort of person you'd give a Saturday job to, would take on work experience, would like to sit and have dinner with, even better.

I have found lots of people (my sample is mainly men) have relationship issues as adults if they have been to boarding school. This, in my experience, is often paired with a lack of emotional intelligence. I assume it's because a large proportion of their time as children was in an artificial environment and they didn't learn many of those subtleties about relationships that the rest of us picked up from a family environment (good or bad). I wouldn't send a child of mine to boarding school, except perhaps as an older teen, if they wanted to go and there was a school that suited them well.

I worked for a law firm whose senior partner boarded from a young age (followed by Oxford) and he certainly didn’t fit the stereotype of a cold horrible entitled arse. He was lovely, socially awkward, almost timid (odd for a senior partner of law firm I know) but he alluded many a time to the fact that he really suffered at boarding school. He clearly had a very difficult time there and it messed him up. He didn’t send his own kids to board.

I never boarded. My df and DH both did. DF hated every minute. DH absolutely loved it. I know lots of people who boarded and all seemed to like it.
The boys ( men) however seem far less "able" than the girls.
Of course it could just be a "man thing" ( unacceptable) but they have absolutely no interest in being part of domestic life. Never met a male boarder who cooks, cleans, gets involved in raising their kids, washes the car etc etc. It's been all about the education. It's seems as though they are exempt. It has really put a hole in our relationship. Despite a fancy education, fancy Uni education and all the academic accolades one could wish for, they're completely disinterested in real life. But they expect it all the same. I do think that not having parents around to teach them domestic skills doesn't help. ( Neither of DH's parents taught their kids any domestic skills)

DH's family are forever harping on at how fabulous their old school was. But the reality has been that his "amazing" education hasn't provided the career he imagined. I've had to bail him out financially on several occasions. I've done all the grunt work at home and kept a career going also.

Just do your research. I'm not against boarding school at all. Pretty sure many schools have produced great all-rounders. Just try and pick one like that.

Good luck 🍀

@citychick just to respond on the basic skills, my DD had a lovely boyfriend last year who came to stay with us. Cooked almost every day, handy around the house, sweet boy.

She ended things sadly, but I wish I'd watched how he made Yorkshire puddings first 😂

Both of them are full boarders. DD on the other hand will struggle when she has to fend for herself at Uni, but I blame us at home for that rather than school.

@citychick My husband full boarded from age 8, all boys at every stage, and is tidier than me and makes a brilliant bed with perfect corners and hoovers like a demon.

However he suffered emotional abuse, witnessed physical and sexual abuse and ended up with a drug and alcohol problem from the top school in the land and didn't get any A levels.

Our children don't board as you can probably imagine.

I boarded from 9 (weekly) and full at 13. I had a great time at an all rounders school. Everything from flower arranging abs getting out of a car nicely to Oxbridge classes. (1990’s)
My parents remain happily married even now and we have a fantastic family bond. Always have done. Boarding neither improved it or detracted from it. (My husband exactly the same experience as me.)
My dc board as per above. Weekly at prep and full from 13 although towards the end of prep they asked to stay in some weekends.

Pros are all the extra curricular activities you can access whilst based at a school 24/7. Friendships. Independence. Social skills. Never bored! Teenage life is utterly fulfilling if you’re at a boarding school. It’s as far from one dimensional as it can be at school in the uk. We really embrace the multitude of cultures abs nations at my dc school. We prefer this to everyone living in a 2 mile catchment.

Cons - the food is never as good as home. Learning to sort your life out as parents are not there to fill in forms and pick up your dirty linen (literally and figuratively !) .

Boarding only suitable for children than want to do it. They either are or aren’t the types to thrive. If at 13 they don’t want to do it, choose a day school.
I think my dc have enjoyed boarding so much is possibly because we have a very secure family unit. No one in three generations has split up. We spend all our home time as a unit doing things together. We even work at home on a family business so all three meals taken as a family every day of the week. It makes for a very secure platform to go off and embrace the additional breadth of life you can only get at a boarding school.

I loved boarding - had a great time and made amazing friends.
Having said that some of my friends were badly bullied and are totally messed up as adults as a result. We can't afford to send our kids privately, which I would do if we could, but I wouldn't board them (I would consider flexi boarding if available!). Another downside, for me at least, was essentially it felt like I left home at 13 - and I never really then thought of home as home if that makes sense - so when my Mum wanted me to come home to get married - I never really wanted to - and for me now it's really important that home feels like home (but I was boarded miles away from where I grew up).