Making mum friends at secondary school?

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

I work at my son’s school and have kept to myself with the other parents as it was not inappropriate to become proper friends with them (plus we haven’t been here long then covid hit) but he is going to be moving on to a big state grammar school (hopefully) where I won’t really know any other parents. I am really keen to make friends as I still don’t know anyone where we live and I’m a very social, open person. However, I don’t think this really happens at secondary school in the way it does at primary, does it? Did you make friends at your child’s secondary school? He’ll be getting there on his own so I can’t hang around the school gates!

I had plenty of friends via the dc at Primary (still good friends with some now) but I didn’t make any through DD at Secondary and she’s in Y11 now.

Yes @Hoppinggreen seems like I’ll have to find friends in other places. Thanks for your reply.

Join the PTA, or contact the school in Sept and suggest a Year 7 parents cheese and wine. Also, as it’s a grammar, the catchment is probably quite large, so friends will be dropped by car. Offer coffee/wine to their parents. I would not be saying yes to a sleepover without meeting the parents.

So what is it about then? Are you at risk of leaking state secrets to parents? Talking about confidential matters? Talking about other children? Talking about the school? It’s actually beside the point that it’s a private school. When teachers have dc at their own schools, it appears to be inevitable they don’t have friends. As there’s a big reduction in fees for staff, I guess that’s a cross you have to bear! Yes. We will have to disagree but it’s a sad situation.

There are quite a few teachers with dc at my DCs Private school. In fact DDs 2 best friends mums work there, they are friendly enough but definitely keep a bit of a distance.
I was quite friendly with a teacher/mum at their Primary school though but that was mainly via The PTA and she was very careful about what she did or didn’t say - at school I called her Mrs x !

No there isnt a way for the parents to become friends. How would they meet up and get to know each other? Perhaps the pta but they may not be your childrens friends parents. None of my friends parents were friends with mine.

I think it must be hard for teachers, and even more so senior leadership, to make friends with parents. There is just too much chance people will cry 'favouritism' if the child of a friend is selected for things.
Also as the OP mentioned, going to a BBQ at the w/e and then on Tuesday calling them in about their child is going to be incredibly difficult.

None of my friends parents were friends with mine
My closest friend is a mum of my son's friend when they were in primary school. That's pretty normal but we didn't become close friends until years later and the boys didn't see each other from the end of primary. They went to different secondary schools.

In my experience you make pals at primary it’s too late by secondary that ship has sailed. Plus early teen friendships do ahem shift sometimes quite brutally so could be awkward. Still Firm friends with mums I met while our kids were at primary our kids are not friends anymore though! I only have experience of state sector

At DC's secondary school there was a talk in Yr 7 on how to ensure your child settles in properly and they said: meet the parents of their friends. So if he seems to like someone, invite that family over for a BBQ or lunch. Or invite them for coffee at a drop off. Etc. It also means you get to know the adults they might be spending time with at sleepovers or parties.

That's a bit weird.
I've had 3 dc go through secondary schools and each of them would have died with embarrassment if I'd started doing that.
Same as 45 years ago when I was at school. It really isn't a helpful thing to do as a parent.

I think if you've moved areas, you need to think what you like doing, and join a team / club / group / choir / something you volunteer at / book group / rambling club / church / dangerous sports club / whatever floats your boat and make your own friends. Not rely on your dd to introduce you to people.

@notacooldad

None of my friends parents were friends with mine My closest friend is a mum of my son's friend when they were in primary school. That's pretty normal but we didn't become close friends until years later and the boys didn't see each other from the end of primary. They went to different secondary schools.

Same here My BFF and I met through our girls at Primary. The girls go to different schools now and have nothing in common at all and they aren’t even really keen on eachother.

Sounds amazing, bring on secondary school, no more playground mummy politics, can't wait

I didn't know secondary school
Mum friends was even a thing. The only ones I know are the parents of the girls that DD was at primary school with. There is no hanging around by parents as you generally don't take them to school nor pick them up. I only go to school for parent's evenings.

I’m very glad I know my daughter’s friends and their families. She is 14, and a friend is coming away with us in the summer. I would never allow my 14 yr old daughter to go away with people I didn’t know.

Any WhatsApp groups? Some private schools seem to have those for parents

No way to make friends through secondary ime.
Much better to follow your own interests and take up a couple of hobbies - yoga, cycling, book club, choir, am dram etc, so you actually have something in common with them.

Most friends were from primary but we’ve several of our closest friends from secondary.

Dropping and collecting children from parties and sleepovers, stopping off for coffee and a chat.
Sharing lifts for activities such as choir and plays.
Calls to agree limits and boundaries are fairly consistent.
Standing on the touch line at rugby matches in the rain was quite bonding.

Then from boarding all the parent events. We were just included with everyone else at house events.

@mumtoboyscanterbury. DS played sport for school so we made lots of friends on the touch line! If you gather a WhatsApp of Year 7 Rugby parents early on then you have contacts for pub meet ups before game (esp if boys are travelling together in coach).

Quite often it’s the same parents on the hockey sideline in the Spring or beside the cricket pitch in Summer, so the friendships develop.

We also had club sport, so made/maintained many friends through that - particularly with DC in 2 age groups and with a DH that coaches/helps out.