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Original poster

MIL has offered to pay for private school

51 replies

anchovies · 09/07/2007 12:25

Don't know what I think really and was looking for some thoughts on private vs state. Our local primary school is literally 2 mins walk away and does pretty well on the league tables and with Ofsted, secondary is further away but is also reasonably good. No idea about private schools locally, have a friend whose dd goes to a local grammar school so will ask her for her thoughts. Probably the only other relevant point is that we are fairly young parents and could never afford to pay for this ourselves. Would this be an issue for our ds's (their parents not being well off?)

DH boarded from age 7 and recently admitted to MIL he didn't like it and wouldn't want his children to board so it is a very delicate subject. When she offered it didn't occur to her that we might not want to take up her (obviously very kind!) offer so I have no idea how we would explain that we don't want to look into this any further. She has ordered prospectuses for all the local schools and has got details of open evenings. I have always said I would never consider private education but am now swaying at the thought of it being free?

OP posts:
Original poster
anchovies · 09/07/2007 13:45

Thanks again everyone, a fantastic help. I really don't think she would be looking for any sort of control and I have a feeling "her little angels" won't be able to disappoint her no matter how badly they do at school or in life (I only have to look at her son to see that in action!) However that will never take away how I feel about the whole thing and I am pretty sure I would never feel 100% comfortable with that amount of input from her.

The more I think about the university thing the more that appeals. MIL did a great thing for dh in that she made him think she was only making a small contribution to the cost of university but paid off all his loans/debt at the end. I am sure she would love to do something similar for her grandchildren.

OP posts:
Kaloo20 · 09/07/2007 13:53

You are mad ! Private education up to 18. Don't throw away this opportunity! it's rubbish they don't mix wo so many other local children. Mine know other children in the area via swimming lesson, ballet lessons, rugby coaching etc.

Save al ittle each month yourselves towards Uni fees and thak your lucky starts your MIL is so generous. If she's offering fees and equipment too the other costs (whatever they may be) would be well within your reach as state primaries ask for a constant trickle of 31 for this £1 for that and it is surprising how much it adds up to + school lunches. At private schools lunches are just added to the bill

portonovo · 09/07/2007 13:58

Her offer may be very well-meant, but the bit about her ordering all the prospectuses and getting details of open evenings sounds very odd indeed, no matter how kindly meant.

I would be quite put out personally, it's one thing offering to fund it, it's another seeming to take control and organise it all.

I would have more than second thoughts about accepting, but if I did say no I would phrase it in such a way as to a)not offend her and b) perhaps leave the way open if you think you might ever change your mind. So perhaps say you're happy to stay in the state sector for now, but will review it at regular intervals. And also say how lovely a trust fund for university would be!

Blu · 09/07/2007 14:03

atm, we couldn't be more happy with DS at his state school - for all the reaspns below, especially those to do with being within close walking distance of the school and his freinds, so if someone offered to pay school fees fr him now i would say no thank you.

But I would be pleased to have a background contingency available for if things changed in the future in any way which couldn't be solved within state education.

And then the 'told you so' backlash would probably put me off!

Whooosh · 09/07/2007 14:07

Tend to agree with Kaloo.

LadyMacbeth · 09/07/2007 14:10

Your MIL has made a very generous offer. I think if the only alternative options were dire I would take it. However I would think long and hard about the social impact of taking your children away from (a good) local state school.

I was private and state educated. Going to private school had a huge impact on me socially. I totally lost touch with all my local friends - my closest private school friend lived five miles away. There was no hanging out together and the (LONGGGGG) holidays were a very lonely and isolating time for me. I think my parents thought I would stay in touch with my local friends but I quickly found my state school friends withdrawing from me, I think jealousy was a possible factor here.

I now live in a more 'genteel' village where several local children go to the private schools nearby, but there is an incredibly strong community here among the parents and the children who attend the local schools and I don't think I would like to cut my children off from that.

I also believe that coupled with parents who are willing to pay for/administer private home tuition on the weaker subjects, a child that goes to a reasonable state school stands a pretty equal chance of getting good results and going to a decent university.

Lilymaid · 09/07/2007 14:14

If I were you I would look at the local state primary schools and private schools - arrange a visit if possible. I would also look at the online information about the local secondaries. I would ask MIL to consider setting up fund for their university education (a current student might expect to be around £20k in debt at the end of their course) and I would not say "no, never". You could find one of your DCs was dyslexic, that the local secondaries were horrendous etc. Your MIL probably thinks that this gesture is the best gift she could give to her grandchildren. She might also be wishing to offload some family money before 40% goes in Inheritance Tax when she dies.

stealthsquiggle · 09/07/2007 14:23

I would grab with both hands the luxury of making a decision without money being a factor - look into them all (even if she is interfering by getting prospectuses (prospecti?!)) and then let her know your decision - unless you think DS's would be much better off then it wouldn't be worth the upheaval of moving them right away. If your decision is state and she has problems accepting that - well - you are better off without!

But things change - don't close the door on the offer if you can possibly help it as at whatever the next stage is (or even if something else changes) it would be lovely to be able to make a "money no object" decision again!

Also get some tax advice, as even if your DH is going to inherit it may be tax-efficient for her to put money into an educational trust fund of some sort (I am told they still exist in some form)

muppetgirl · 09/07/2007 14:25

...what does she expect/want in return?

Is this an offer she's going to extend to any other/all other grandchildren she may/might have?

moopymoo · 09/07/2007 14:29

my dad pays my dcs to go private. it is fantastic and i will be eternally grateful. imo, bite her hand off. really, we hummed and ha-ed about it , i had been privately educated, dh not. dh is a teacher in the state sector at what would be our local comp and is daily glad that we are able to send dcs elsewhere. we are probably amongst the least well off at school - this summer we are not going to the caribbean but camping...ds is fine about this, happy and well adjusted

moopymoo · 09/07/2007 14:29

FOr my dcs, they do not need bribing sorry!

DominiConnor · 09/07/2007 14:32

Another way is for MIL to pay into a educational trust fund. A worry I might have is that she starts paying, but then stops, leaving you in a very tricky position.

The fund can then be used at secondary school if necessary or university, or if they want to do some sort of training post-school.

Kaloo20 · 09/07/2007 15:33

social impact of taking your children away from (a good) local state school.

what a load of ......

Ds's private school is 1 mile from our house and Dd's about 3 miles away. The vast majority of the children attending live around this area, these children have more active social lives than me !

  • Don't worry about the social factor of holidays in the Carribian etc, we go camping each summer and you will be surprised how many other don't take 5 star holidays but take cheap breaks.

The grass is not greener in state if you can afford private. I've tried both.

doobypoo · 09/07/2007 15:39

I would be DELIGHTED if that offer was made for my 2!
Strings or no strings.I would deal with it.
Ds1 went to a private prep for a year and thrived..we couldn't keep up payments due to a change in circumstances.hen he went to a state school and we had a crap time.Now he is home edded.

MNHQ
AbbyMumsnet · 09/07/2007 16:16

Hi and apologies for thread hijack...
DominiConnor - we don't have a current e-mail address for you and need to get in contact. Please can you e-mail [email protected] with your current details.

deegward · 09/07/2007 16:29

Both dss go to private school, a large of boys in ds1 year have their fees paid by their grandparents, so it is not unusual at all. Ds1 is in a class of 14 compared to 30 at his previous school, and ds2 is in a class of 9 with a full time classroom assistant.

Go around the schools, its not all academic, there is often fab sports, music (etc) facilities as well.

CountessDracula · 09/07/2007 16:34

argh
am now shitting myself as have to write to private school and turn down place
what if I am doing the wrong thing

maisemor · 09/07/2007 16:37

My advice if you do go for it and let her pay for private school, do make her understand that that does not give her any powers whatsoever over you (the way you parent, the way you raise your children, the way you spend your money, life, sparetime etc.). It is her choice to pay for this, and it will not mean that you owe her anything.

frogs · 09/07/2007 16:40

CD, I have done exactly that a couple of times for dd1, and more recently for dd2. It's fine. You've looked at the options, made the decision and it's probably the right one. If you find in a couple of years time that it wasn't the right decision, it's much easier to get dc into private schools at 7+ than the schools would have you believe. It's in their interests for the punters to think that private schools are over-subscribed 20-1 with future Cambridge Firsts, but it ain't actually so.

CountessDracula · 09/07/2007 16:41

oh I know frogs
it is still scary

I think i am doing the right thing as the thought of turning down the state place makes me shit myself even more

argh

frogs · 09/07/2007 16:49

It'll be fine. She'll love it. So will your bank balance. Just think of all the nice educational things you can do with the extra money.

FWIW, if I had an educational trust of the type that we have been suggesting here, I genuinely would not change dd1 or dd2's schools. Ds -- ask me again once we've done secondary transfer. He actually would love to be at the kind of country prep school where they do 2 hours of strenous PE every afternoon. But we live in London, so not really an option. If he doesn't get into any of our preferred secondary option, I might consider it then. But I can't see it being my first choice, tbh.

SparklePrincess · 09/07/2007 16:53

This is something you need to consider? Id rip my MIL`s arm off if she made us that offer. Though unfortunately hell will freeze over before that happens.

pooka · 09/07/2007 18:15

CD, I'm in exactly the same boat.
Agonising that I'm somehow diadvantaging dd by going the state school route when private education paid for and would make PIL happy.
The way I see it though, is that a decision made when a child is 5 (actually dd will only be 4 next week) is not irreversible. If things change, and we aren't happy with the school, we will revisit the decision.

Kaloo20 · 09/07/2007 23:12

pooka, we did two terms at state primary and changed at the beginning of the summer term to private. DD's letter formation and handwriting is the only thing that's suffered, particularly as cursive script is taught from Y2. She has absolutely blossomed and it's the best decision I ever made

SpeccieSeccie · 09/07/2007 23:31

Thank your MIL and take her up on it.

7% of kids are educated privately but over 50% of the countries top jobs are filled by the privately educated. You will almost certainly doing your dcs a huge favour. Especially as your MIL has ordered a range of brochures from which, presumably, she would let you choose the best one for your children.