Very disappointing but not unexpected - what to do?

[mears]

Scottish System.

Well DS1 got his results this morning and passed 2 out of 4 exams. His commitment to school has been non-existant as he has more concentration for his guitar playing than anything else (has dreams of being a rock star).
His course work was below standard so he was not allowed to sit his higher chemistry. He had got a D for higher physics and computing. He has passed his Maths (Intermediate 2) but got a B, so he is not allowed to sit the higher course this year. Looks as though he has passed higher English but he needs confirmation of passing a unit that he sat post higher exam date.

So all-in-all, a very poor result. He is staying on for 6th year but is devastated today. I have tried not to say 'I told you so' but I did let that slip out. He is adamant that he does not ant to resit any subjects because he hated most of them. For 6th year he has selected subjects that interest him. He hasn't a clue what he wants to do in the future. I haven't a clue how to support him really. He is not daft - he was capable of doing these subjects but he just wouldn't put in the work.
I think he is really shocked and hopefully it will give him a kick up the a**e. He has had a difficult year with his best friend being treated for cancer. I am not sure if that has any bearing on it because his marks were on the decline before his friend became ill.
I am trying to be posistive and said that it is not the end of the world and that he will probably do better this year doing the subjects that he likes. He will get an appointment next week with the depute head to discuss his options. Feel so bad for him now. Feel bad about being a parent too. Should we have got him a tutor? Don't think so because his heart was not in it. School said not to waste the money!!!!

What to do..........

Mears, it might help to know that long long ago in the days when there were O Levels I got fab results. And I was miserable as sin for the next couple of years in the sixth form (where I also did pretty well - worked worked worked and did bugger-all else) - and on Friends Reunited, when I posted my name I said that I really regretted my respectable youth. Looking back, I should have loosened up and enjoyed life a lot more. Honestly.

MI, I did the exact opposite - boyfriends, going out a fair amount, average A levels, drinker's degree (2:2) and thoroughlly recommend it

Tallulah - in Scotland you sit standard grades in 4th year (Y11?) -ie equivalent of GCSEs and then in 5th year (lower 6th), you normally sit Highers - a wider range than A levels (ie normally 4 or 5 are sat - and some people will sit 6) and normally only studied in one year (although some schools are now doing it over a couple of years for less able students). It's got a little more complicated in recent years, with the introduction of "Higher Still" - but most people still think in terms of the individual exams.

If you want you can go to Uni from 5th year, or you can stay on the for 6th year, do some more Highers, re-sit some, or do Certificate of 6th year Studies (not sure if it is still called that since the recent changes) or some "A" levels.

Sorry you've had disappointing results.

Are you positive that they won't let him sit Higher maths with a B at Int 2? If he wants to do this (rereading your post it sounds like he might not!) could you maybe push for it? I'm not a maths teacher, but I teach in a Scottish secondary school and I think he'd be allowed to in my school. Has he already started the course? (ie did timetable change over in June?) If so, it's sometimes harder for teachers to get them off the course IYKWIM.

We often find that kids (boys usually) who get a wee fright in S5 can do really well in S6. The beauty of the Scottish system is they get a 2nd attempt!!

Good explanation, JanZ! Sixth Year Studies are now called Advanced Highers.

mears, don't for a minute think you're to blame for this. I totally agree with those who say different people get the education bug at different times of their lives. When I moved to London in my early twenties, I had an OK degree and had worked quite hard. Many of the friends I made had either flunked their degrees or A levels. Twenty years on, those same friends have overtaken me educationally. One has a masters and a teaching qualification - he's a university drama coach now. Another is getting top marks on her environmental sciences degree course.

My husband must gave his parents hell when he was a teenager. He was considered an extremely bright and gifted pupil and the family decided to move back from New Zealand to Oxford. He was enrolled in at a very exclusive public school there (king Edwards I think). He hated it, got expelled, was enrolled at another public school, got expelled again. All within about 2 years. Joined the navy on his 16th birthday. Didn't like every minute of it, but left 5 years later with some very useful qualifications. Since then his career has followed a winding path ( far too many ups and downs to go into here) but along the way his eagerness to study returned.

His father I think was very harsh and judgemental with him when he was expelled from these expensive schools and I think that affected his self esteem for many years and he had an uneasy relationship with his father. My dh said he hadn't wanted to leave New Zealand in the first place but no one listened. He felt railroaded and went to pieces.

I think you are so right to show your son how much you love him right now and tell him whatever happens in the exams, he is still the wonderful boy you know and there are all sorts of other opportunities waiting for him out there.

Mears, would he feel any different going to one of the local colleges to do his highers? That could go either way. Either he'll go all mature and interested in work or he'll embrace the student lifestyle.

I totally buggered up school. Combination of a bit of low self esteem and boredom. I left with 5 o-grades (biology, arithmetic, modern studies, religious studies and english) and 1 higher (english). Surprisingly I was devastated at how much I had failed. I managed to talk my way into a job as a trainee lab tech (notice no chemistry, physics or maths in that little lot) and eventually went to uni to do chemistry. I didn't finish my course due to problems at home but I still have a good job thats well paid and has time off.
Would he be interested in doing an apprenticeship? If he can get one in something instrument related (not guitars but controllers, meters, engineering sort of thing), he could probably still use it for something music related. Instrument Technicians get paid a bundle if they're good. My dad's in his 70s and still gets offered contracts.

Sorry so long.

It's only exams...

I left uni two years ago, and several of my contemporaries have had sparkling academic records up to eighteen (varying combinations of parental support/parental pressure/parental cash), then got to a prestigious uni, where they proceeded to discover drink/opp sex/drugs/music, but also that they don't really know why they're doing what they're doing. I know a few people who had a very tough time at uni (and beyond) as they 'backlashed' against being 'railroaded' by their parents, and wanted to catch up with living their own lives.

Moral of the story - I don't think that letting you kid's life take it's course makes you a bad parent (but I know that the opposite does).

Think that being long term successful is about havong your own motivation and resilience.

I make no sense - why do i post when I'm tired - you know what I mean, anyway.

mears, I know that none of what I will say will take away you or your son's disappointment - my heart goes out to both of you.

Does he have to go back to school? Maybe he's ready to see the big, bad world before making any big life decisions in terms of a career. He certainly comes across as a mature young man. Maybe in a couple of years, when he's ready to make an academic commitment, he could sit the Highers and CYSYS that he's interested in at a tech college. When I was at school, a number of my peers left after O Grades and did their Highers at Tech, simply because they found school too, well, schooly!

I finished 6th year and went straight out to work, didn't go to Uni until I was 24. I didn't feel ready for it unitl then - and when I went I knew I was doing exactly what interested me.

I'm now 36 and I've got a deferred place for medical school back in the UK for next September.
I don't advocate leaving it this late, but it is soooooo true - it's never too late and life experience counts for a hellava lot! After all, when he's qualified he has (potentially) 45 working years ahead of him - what difference does taking a couple of years out make? (seriously).

Best of luck to you both

PS Does he have ANY cooking ability? Getting a job as a chalet boy with one of the big UK skiing companies was popular when I left Uni. Hard work, but plenty party time and as a mum you won't have to worry that he's homeless or starving!

My dh came out of school at 16 (many years ago) with a couple of poor grade O levels, and a frightening ability to play poker!

He went out to work for 6 years, then realised he was very bored, when the novelty of the pay packet and Friday night drinking had worn off. he then went back to college and did A levels, then to uni (1st class economics degree), did 2 years of a phd at Oxford, then to law school and now he's a partner in a law firm. He probably regrets that he got his partnership at 45 rather than 35, but the delay was more the time it took him to find what he wanted to do. Once he worked it out, he's been pretty bloody focussed.

I did the dutiful daughter bit, good O's, good A's, straight to Uni, straight into accountancy - and now I loathe my job and wish I'd done archaeology instead. Some people just need time to find their forte, IMO its better than falling into stuff and endng up with a full blown mid life crisis!

Good luck

mears your ds sounds lovely...i hope that my ds (10 months) at 17 wants to strum his guitar and grow his hair long...rather than dealing crack/getting under age girl pregnant/getting into fights/being incredibly driven and having no concept of how to enjoy himself...

sm is right, if he finds something that he loves doing that he needs some qualifications for, he'll go out and get them then...i think our whole education system is off whack and stifles any love of learning...especially in boys...

x

Agree with all the advice on here, some lovely posts. You're a very lucky person, I think, if you know what you want to do with the rest of your life when you're only 17/18. I still don't know at 39

I have huge sympathy mears, not least because I'll be in the same position with ds1 next week . He collects his GCSE results the day after his 16the birthday. I just know he's not worked hard enough to get the results he thinks he'll get. I can hear me saying 'I told you so' even now!

I'm just hoping that when he starts college, studying the subjects he wants to that they'll be an improvement in the effort he puts in. You're right, its not the end of the world, but it is hard to see them disappointed. Who'd be a parent

I have taught teenagers and also adults. the adults I have worked with have been among the keenest, most motivated and organised students I have ever had. They have been quite honest in telling me that they were not the same when they were in school. as adults they now see the reason why they have to work towards qualifications. Many of them had specific goal regarding work and without the qualification they knew that they wouldn't get what they want.

In someways it is a good idea for your son to have a 'dull' job for a while. He will soon realise that he wants more out of life and then, I'm sure, he will get the qualifications that he needs. Many kids just need a touch with reality to make them see that life without qualifications isn't going to be a £50,000 a year job with a flash car.