Inverted snobbery

[DaisyRaine90]

So sick of my family etc. Judging me for moving my child to an independent.

Why would I not send my child to the best I can afford?

Is it jealousy or inverted snobbery??

Literally nobody but DP thinks this is a good decision and I can’t make sense of it.

Has anyone else experienced this??

[DaisyRaine90]

I do believe every child deserves the best education and it devastates me that state schools cannot offer that (despite 45% tax) and therefore it’s a privilege thing.

I think I’m just obsessing over one small detail when the bigger issue is that my family hate me doing well.

[DaisyRaine90]

I haven’t said anything other than a school name to my family. Literally just that. 😊

[LondonMum8]

Completely agree, it's devastating that the state system does not offer best primary education at the given taxation levels (which are yet to get worse I'm sure, given the Brexit debacle around the corner).

[roundaboutthetown]

There are very few private schools where what you learn in school is that amazing and irreplaceable. The bulk of my knowledge and understanding of the world has come from experiences offered to me by my family and with my family outside of the school environment - their shared interests and passions and their encouragement to take anything that interested me beyond what I had been taught in school, had the greatest effect on my life. So don't forgo too many family holidays and experiences for the sake of a school, DaisyRaine! It's not really a case of skiing holidays versus private school fees - that's a ridiculously simplistic and pretty damn offensive way of describing the different choices made by you and the rest of your family (if they felt they actually had a choice), particularly given the amount of money you clearly have available to you, if you think you have school fees, university fees and house deposits already sorted for your children.

[LondonMum8]

OPs DC may well not need any money for uni fees if earlier education fails to prepare them well. Likewise a deposit money is no good if you cannot afford monthly payments due (for instance) to substandard education.

[roundaboutthetown]

Well, you really would have to be stupid to pay for a substandard education.

[LondonMum8]

Exactly, that's why when people do pay it's generally superior.

[roundaboutthetown]

It sounds as though the real problem here, in any event, is the OP being given the feeling that her family do not and have never trusted her judgement, and that is hurtful. DaisyRaine - you have obviously done your research and have done what you think is best for your dd in your circumstances. Given that your family appears to have got stuck in the rut of not trusting your choices, or you have got stuck in the rut of interpreting their reactions in this way, or a bit of both, just try to let their apparent displeasure wash over you and get on with what you think is right without trying too hard to justify it to them or to please them, or to analyse why they appear to disapprove, as you are all too close to each other to be able to rationalise each other's behaviour without dragging in the emotional baggage of your pasts.

[roundaboutthetown]

Make up your mind, LondonMum - there is a colossal difference between substandard and superior, with many different shades in between. Only an idiot thinks the choices are substandard on the one hand or superior on the other.

[LondonMum8]

Refraining from using the i-word however appropriate, you just competely failed to grasp the point of my earlier response, which was: there may be no point trading off the cost of a better school for things like a property deposit or top uni fees.

[DaisyRaine90]

As tax payers we already are paying for a substandard education 😊

[DaisyRaine90]

No trades as regards the future, just maybe for the next 2-3 years.

As in, we will buy some camping gear and get in the car which as it goes is how some of my better childhood holidays began instead of going on international holidays

Direct quote from a family member “I wish I had gone private for my two but we couldn’t afford it and still go on holidays.” They ended up paying for private tutors on credit cards. So yeah, worth sacrificing the ski trip thanks, at least for a couple of years or until my credit card limit goes up 😂

[DaisyRaine90]

What “i” word? Thanks 😊

[roundaboutthetown]

I'm not sure why you felt the need to make that point, then, LondonMum, when the OP had already specified that she has enough money to cover school fees, university fees and house deposits, so no trade offs required on any of those fronts...

[roundaboutthetown]

I doubt the OP's family are aware of the extent of her wealth, as already having all that covered makes her an extremely wealthy woman.

[roundaboutthetown]

As for family members paying for private tutors on credit cards, DaisyRaine - clearly they could never have afforded private school fees anyway, if they couldn't really afford private tutors. Would you rather they couldn't afford holidays, either?? You really do seem to have as little empathy for your family as they have for you.

[roundaboutthetown]

Ps don't assume private tutors are only for the parents of state school children. There are plenty of people who feel or find that a private school education is not enough for their child and who top it up with private tutors rather than acknowledging either that their expectations are unreasonable, or that they are investing in the wrong school for their child.

[dairymilkmonster]

I have this constantly from extended family and lots of friends. We moved ds1 to a private school as he didn't settle/like/get on with his first school (state). I constantly hear that private schools have no advantages and are a waste of money. Bizarre really as all schools in any sector are different!
It depends where your values lie and that is different for everyone. For us, education is very very important. Health (mental and physical) first - why we moved ds- but we really want our kids in a setting which can support them to achieve their potential, whatever that may be. That might have been state or independent, depending on location and the child.

[JKR123]

It certainly sounds like inverted snobbery to me. And yes I have experienced it from my mil's side of the family. Its pathetic really.

[DaisyRaine90]

I’m talking about people who go sailing at the weekend and go on 4 international holidays a year, but don’t plan and live on credit. Their income supersedes mine massively but I am frugal and careful (and incredibly lucky also I may add).

I have never used a credit card 💳 got my first one arriving soon but as contingency and because the interest rates were fantastic.
I have never been in debt (even when it meant having £20 a week to feed one adult and a toddler).
I went out in the evening 3x in 3 years in order to pay nursery fees and for extra curricular activities for DD and so I could afford to study.

So yes it’s a matter of priorities.
It’s ok though, I know education is massively undervalued by some people. It just surprises me because I’m from a family where graduating at a top university and getting a 1st is seen as the ultimate goal.

I wouldn’t mind if my children never graduate, but their foundation education is so important to me because it’s when they build the skills that will carry them through whatever they decide to do.

And yes if it was a choice of good state school or bad private school I would go with the state option.

I’ve stopped justifying myself to my family now. I have realised they are never going to be happy whatever I do so I need to stop being concerned with their judgements and be more concerned about my own family.

[LondonMum8]

Well said DaisyRaine90.

[DaisyRaine90]

Thanks 😊

[roundaboutthetown]

Yes, well said. They clearly just have very different views on money management and the life experiences they want their children to have. There's no point expecting them to approve of your choices when you so clearly don't approve of theirs!

[Brokenbiscuit]

Exactly, that's why when people do pay it's generally superior.

No, that's why when people do pay, it's generally because they think it's superior. Not the same thing.

[Dapplegrey2]

Op, you say you vote left, so maybe your family think you are a hypocrite.