Under-confident DS, age 5, yr 1. What activities would you recommend?

[miljee]

DS2 is immature (and small) for his age. We all thought he should repeat reception but this wasn't an option. He's young in that he's quite babyish, and often pretends to be a baby (which drives DH nuts!). Socially, there's a group of 11 boys in his class who all seem to muck along together well enough, but I do note that DS is very peripheral to the action and I want to weep for him when I see him trying to engage another boy only be be effectively ignored. In the queue to go in, he either looks like a lost soul or will talk to the child next to him, who may listen for a bit but will then probably start talking to another kid altogether as if DS wasn't there! He has no 'presence'. We have had several boys home on play-dates but really, they're far more interested in my DS1 who's 7. DS has no special friend- which isn't really an issue at this stage but he doesn't seem to be able to engage with the other kids. 6 months ago his teacher said "DS IS part of the gang but the problem is, he doesn't FEEL like he is". Now, tbh, DS himself doesn't seem too bothered about this- he's never said he hasn't got any friends, rarely doesn't want to go to school but I think it's a lack of awareness on his part. He says he can't wait to see the guys as he's going to impress them with this that or the other, but the reality is they just won't care! Academically, he's a bit on the slow side, too, and not particularly well co-ordinated, a bit of a quitter when it comes to trying stuff out.

Incidentally, he doesn't hold back at home with his brother! The teacher also said 'he's so QUIET' but that's not been MY experience! AND it's fair to say my DH is a quiet bloke, bordering on pathologically so with no specific friends BUT he's very clever, can socialise when necessary and has got by on his wits.

SO, is there anything I can do to improve DS's confidence? We did one on one swimming lessons but at 12 quid a half hour (we got as far as 5m in a year!) I didn't feel it was value for money; Should we look at karate? gym? speech and drama? OR should we grit our teeth and hope age and maturity sorts it out for him?

I have just enrolled my ds into the local youth theatre, they do workshops on a Saturady afternoon. A bit like stage coach but much cheaper!

have you a small drama group? that did great thigns for my ds, really really good. at this age it is more about confidence building than actual drama.
i spose anythign that he can do well at would help

I thijnk anything that involves interacting with others would be good - so most children's activities, but especially things like a drama club. How about language classes, such as French club? What type fof activities does he like - trampolining maybe?

I have a ds the same age and the same personality and I find it very hard to watch. He has one friend.....a gril whos mother I am really friendly with so its a case of forcing them together.

I think your swimming is very expensive, we pay £2.50 to £3 per half hour depending upon where we go.

I have gotten ds to do tennis which his brother who is younger by 18 months does and is in a different group. I agree with the drama thing and we have thought the same here but the local drama clubs won't take kids until they are 7 so we will have to wait. Perhaps your son could excell at something academic to give him confidence. One of the kids in my sons class let it slip that he is always the first to finish his work so I have tried to boost his confidence that way and it has had some effect.

Good luck with what ever you try

Thanks, yes the swimming IS b** expensive but we had to opt for one on one as both my DSs have the attention span of tarmac and we were finding in a 45 min group lesson, after the obligatory 10-15 mins of wasted time disciplining the naughty boys, each child would get 6 mins of the teacher's attention and the rest my DSs would spend gazing at the ceiling. They're too obedient to mess about!

I'm wondering about drama or trampolining. I must look around. We do have Stagecoach but it's too full on (3 hours!) and DS is too young.

DS loves drawing but much of his work is a furious pencil scribble. If you ask him what things are, he can tell you (usually involving 'blasting off' and 'shooting down'..!). I can't really say WHAT he's GOOD at exactly at this stage. DS1 loves lego and his Gameboy, but DS2- well!

Bump.

And though I agree that I'd love him to maybe do French or something social, he can only now communicate reasonably well in English! It was positively 'Middle English' til recently: "Mummy, what is it that you want that I can do? With the thing that goes round?" Que?? "Mummy, what it is?" Wot??

He IS down for Beavers (DS1 goes) but won't know anyone there (apart from DS1 for 6 months) as he's 'out of catchment'. Not sure he'll cope with that.

Rainbows!! Cheap, fun and will get to know loads of fun girls from Brownies & Guides as well.

has he invite any of the gang back to tea?

Funnily enough my ds has been going to trampolining for 4 weeks now and likes it. Don't know about the confidence thing but it has given him something to use some of the xcess energy up

DS1 (now 7.5) did gym for a couple of terms. He quite liked it (though he was -um- useless!) but they accidentally allowed him to start a term too young. I AM wondering whether I should give DS2 a try-out there when he's 6 in May. I don't want to get into 'If it's Monday it must be Judo' thing at all but I do think a 5 3/4 yr old ought to be able to manage one after-school activity a week, esp one that's helping him gain some self-confidence.

We do have 'play-dates' (I believe that term isn't used here in the UK- am I right? We started doing them with DS1 in Oz hence my use of the word!) with boys from DS2's class which go well enough but DS2 is, oddly, the ONLY boy in his class (11 boys, 10 girls) with an older brother so the play-daters who come are fascinated by DS1, the 'big brother' and tend to leave DS2 standing!

Thanks for all suggestions and personal experiences! Keep 'em coming, Wise MNetters!

My ds does two after school things, Tennis and swimming and one on a saturday now. I think thats enough especially with the volume of homework he seems to get.

How's he doing with the tennis? I think that'd be a great idea- that hand/eye co-ordination thing for a keen child! I can just imagine DS2 having a go - a couple of wild swipes, a slung down raquet, down on his rear, head on arms, bottom lip stuck out! Not a perseverer, my DS2! HAVING said that, his ability to kick a ball in a straight line is MUCH better than it was, so maybe I'm prejudging him! Or assuming he'll be as cack-handed as DS1 who STILL won't stop a football with his foot before booting it randomly back YET can put together the most intricate and complex lego models of his own devising! Something about gross v. fine motor skills!

Incidentally, the teacher also is a great believer in physicality for small boys to win confidence etc. We're not a sporty family but we love walking (at least DH and I do, the boys moan when told we're off for a hike but usually have a good time once we're there!) and want to get into cycling (I have a thread about cycling proficiency a bit lower down!).

OMG Just realised that you have a dS not a dD! Wondered why you were ignoring my good idea of Rainbows! Note to self - read every word not just selective ones! - sorry!

It's OK, I skim read messages too, and we're on the same wavelength re Scout-y things as DS is lined up for Beavers!!

My ds is much the same - and as I work full time he has not really done any after school activities. My ds is one of only 5 children in his year at school - and is the youngest. He does get left out a lot (but luckily he does not appear to notice!) However he had the opportunity to try indoor rock climbing - and proved to be quite good at it. THis has helped to boost his confidence a bit - partly I think because it is not something that other children do - so they can't be better than him (if you see what I mean). We have finally found a martial art class on a Saturday (Tai Kwon Do) as I understand that these kind of things are menat to be good - but time will tell. He has also recently started to enjoy playing football - and I think that this more than anything will help him be part of the group.

I would take a steer from ds - ask him if there is anything he is interested in doing after school or anything he would like to try.

If not, I don't think I would be worried unless your ds is or becomes unhappy, just ask again every month or so if there is anything he would like to try, and let him have a friend over from school regularly if he enjoys this, maybe when ds1 has his own friend round or has gone to someone else's house. 2 is a good number to play and so is 4 but 3 isn't great most of the time.

Both points noted: The 2x or 4x playdate; and asking him repeatedly! He hasn't come up with much yet though he does say he wants to do Beavers when he sees the group (DS1 is there) for the 5 mins at pick-up time. Scot, do let us know how the Tai Kwon Do goes! Needless to say, the karate lessons I was looking at coincide exactly with Beavers, sigh...!

Mine is getting good at the tennis, the coach is very patient and there are only 4 in the group. They use soft balls and mini tennis raquets and only play on half a full sized tennis court most of the time. He can hit the ball when thrown to him and that skill has transferred to a baseball bat.

I am trying to steer clear of martial arts if I can. We have problems at our school with one little boy who practices kick boxing on other children when he doesn't get his own way and that includes girls. That boy was as timid as a mouse before he went and now he is the class horror.

I haven't pushed mine in to anything except perhaps the swimming for lifesaving reasons. But so far ds wants to do it and I am happy to be the taxi driver

You do have a point re martial arts!

Is your ds aged 6? If so and you did want to go for Stagecoach he could join the Early STages (4-6 year old class) which is 90 minutes, not 3 hours.

Whoops should have read the thread title. At age 5 it would definately not be the 3 hour class.

I think swimming is a must to learn however I don't think it encourages children to become friends specifically. My DD goes for a lesson each week but they are so busy swimming that she doesn't get a chance to talk to the other children. Also there aren't any children from her group at school there. However I would think that choosing an activity where there is a group that then breaks out into pairs to practice - something like tennis or judo. I can see you're not keen on judo however something like this will raise his confidence. Lastly if he has some children that he particularly likes have you thought of asking their parents what clubs they go to so perhaps your DS can join in or perhaps mention to another mum and your DS is going to do something and would their child like to do it to?

Is he really lacking in confidence? From what you say he sounds self-contained and a bit eccentric rather than lacking in confidence - ie wanting to go in with something that he is sure will impress his gang sounds quietly confident to me.
My son is definitely eccentric (Aspergers) but I wouldn't say he lacked confidence - and he has now made one great friend at school which is great. At five they have a lot of growing up to do and plenty of time to do it in.

Again, thanks everyone.

I guess what I'm looking for is a 'confidence' builder rather than a 'friend maker'. I mean, he has 10 other boys his age in his class, none of whom are really strongly paired off or into 'gangs' (yet!), so I feel amongst them there must be one who'd be 'right' for DS. I think what we need is 'training' in something that should build his self-confidence as i believe you can't teach self-esteem, it comes as a by-produst of a sense of acheivement in doing something well. I think whatever he does should be in a group (the swimming was really for water safety). Regarding his lack of confidence, I do think it's 'real' but I have to say he doesn't hold back at home. I guess that, like his father, he'll never be leader of the pack and lord knows, I don't want him to necessarily be BUT I would like for him to feel more socially able and integrated at school!

Of all the martial arts around I think judo is one of the best for not encouraging 'kick-boxing' type activiies .. it;s all about throwing and holding down rather than punching and kicking, so muh less likely to be repeated in the playground. although all good martial arts teachers will be very adamant that the moves are NOT being carried out away from the class.

My 7 yr old son is similar to yours and has always been quieter/shy-er/more withdrawn than the crowd. Quite happy on the sidelines and fine with ones and two's but if a big group joined in he'd go off and do his own thing.

As he's got older it has got better, so it's partly a maturity thing (and he's still more comfortable playing with kids 6moths to a year younger than him).
Team sports never interested him because he never had the confidence - esp footballl because they were all so much better than him , or so he thought.

He does Judo once a week (but would never have voluntarily gone at first!) and his school runs an after-school session specifically for kids who need help with confidence, which has been brilliant.

I do think you have to insist he tries a coule of things and give him the option to stop if he really hates it, but you may be surprised how much he does enjoy it once you get him there. My DS even secretly enjoyed a trial Perform session (like stagecoach) but it was too expensive, so we've looked at others like Helen o'grady .

Stick with him and give him chance to try a few things - its just how he is!