Persuade DD to change school

[MoreTeaVicar]

How can I subtly persuade my DD that changing schools for yr 8 would be a good move? We have visited a sch which I think could be better for her in terms of more opportunities, increase in choice of subjects etc it also seems to be more disciplined in terms of how they present themselves, dress etc in other words she will (i hope) turn our to be a little lady, BTW I know this sounds snobby but when you are paying for private ed you do want/expect the very best for your child. She is happy where she is and is doing ok although I do feel the sch do not push her enough and she is capable of doing better. Have spoken to the sch on various occasions over recent years but still I don't really see any changes. She does have a dear friend at the other sch but at the moment that is not swaying her to make a move. I would also be trying to move her from a mixed sch to an all girls, again I don't know if this is a good idea. I will not force her or put any pressure on DD but I can't help feeling the other sch may give her a better grounding. Any opinions or ideas would be so appreciated. Thanks for reading such a LONG thread.

I'm afraid you've come accross the true underbelly of the private school system - they said they would help with her maths but in fact they set the bar high because their existence depends on their profits, and if they let people in who are not guaranteed to get them those A's, then this affects their percentages that go in the prospectus....

it sounds like either she has extra tuition to enable her to be seen as suitable to get in, or she stays where she is? Are those the options as you see them?

I do think if she is happy where she is, that is quite a precious thing and not to be messed with lightly! I know you feel they don't push her enough, could you ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss this - no harm in saying that you have got to the stage of wondering whether another school might suit her better.....they don't want to lose your fees! Good luck...

Thanks for your replies everyone. I still feel thoroughly upset as I do believe her current school is letting her down. We have repeatedly asked for extra maths tuition but it is very sporadic and there is always a reason why she hasn't had it. I had a meeting with the head at the end of last year before she entered into the seniors and told her how I felt DD had been let down (maths only) so she is totally aware of the situation. I am now taking matters into my own hands nd have arranged for DD to have private maths tuition outside of school. I am cross beyond belief I have not sorted this out before now and just trusted in the school and I do firmly believe had she been given the extra help when she should have received it she would now be looking forward to a brighter future at the school who have just rejected her. Private education does NOT always equal best, we have learnt this if nothing else and yes, I am very very bitter at the moment.

Out of interest, when she did the entrance exam was she still in the phase of not wanting to go?
I only ask because I once sat entrance exam at 11 for a school I really didn't want to go to, and while I didn't delibaratley plough it, I do recall not being all that concerned about doing my best.
I'm not saying your dd did this consciously, but perhaps if she wasn't that keen at the time, she perhaps didn't take as much care as she would have if she had really wanted to go. Of course, now she's changed her mind it's really sad that the school have said no.

yes moretea, I bet you're feeling bitter....but I still think at least your daughter is happy and content where she is.

I understand you are paying and want value for money but to me a BIG part of the school experience is being happy and content....but maybe you could use this failed exam as a good way of your dd starting to realise that she needs to work harder? If she realises she may be in this position of not passing stuff...she's got mocks, exams, university entry....not a nice feeling to be failing at that, can you impress on her that in order to pass things she needs to work more? Ask her what it felt like to not pass, as compared to when she has excelled at stuff?

And do NOT let her current school off the hook! Be on the phone to them every day if that's what it takes to get your message across....the squeaky wheel gets the grease you know

good luck x

A very valid point pooka and I guess I will only ever have DD's word on the matter that yes she did try. Prior to the exam she didnt know what she wanted, afterwards she did decide to go but sadly the choice was not there for her to make. What I find so gutting now is that she will in all probability stay where she is and I am unhappy about this as they have failed her and I feel very soured by this.

Oh it's so sad that she now wants to go yet can't
Have you thought about state schools but with additional tuition rather than paying for a private school and still having to pay for additional tuition? Just a thought - and really depends where you live and what local schools are like.
What I'm saying really, is what is it that made you choose to send her to her existing school? And what has changed since?

DD has been at current private school since nursery age 2+ and it all worked very well. Half way through juniors it was obvious she was struggling with maths and as such I suggested may be she required extra help. The school said no, she IS making progress. Well this quite clearly was not the case and eventually in yr 6 they gave her "sporadic" help. We also paid for private tuition outside of school and the maths improved slightly. Well as I said before, she is now in the senior dept and half way through the first academic year, and still the maths help is sparse and infrequent. Batters, I am saying it is her current school who I feel has let her down, in my opinion she should have been able to pass the maths tst into the other school as it is not even marginally more academic. Maybe she just had a bad day on the entrance exam, may be she didn't bother to try, maybe my theory of her current school letting her down is correct. She passed her sats, I just cant figure out what went wrong. No we do not want her to go to the state system, DH will not hear of it and for a child lacking confidence, I agree that a private school with much smaller class sizes is probably better for her. The other school which rejected her, would in my opinion, have helped tremendously purely with personal growth or am I being naive.

Are you possibly slightly overestimating what the other school could do for her? What would they do specifically that would help so much?

I think they've shown that they are prepared to help but only if you are academically able to pass their test so don't need help anyway!

Perhaps my judgement is now clouded sunnysideup, you know how it feels to be disapponted. DD is very happy where she is and we have a meeting set up next week with the special needs teacher to discuss maths. Guess we will just have to play a waiting game and see how the following terms pan out. The other school BTW was a girls school.

I think it could be partly that thing of really wanting something when you can't get it!

I really think if your dd is happy where she is and has been there since she was 2, there's alot to be said for security and continuity. If as you say she lacks confidence then who's to say moving schools would be a good thing for her personally? She may possibly not be able to make the most of the academic improvement in another school because of the upheaval of moving??

I really would keep on at the school until you feel they are providing what your dd needs. You are paying, after all! And btw if not moving leaves her in a mixed sex school then I think that's brilliant - much better for her personal development to deal with both sexes on a daily basis IMO.

Her wanting to go now she has been rejected reminds me of that Groucho Marx quote of him not wanting to be a member of any club that would want him as a member. I think you should be grateful that she is happy. Not being good at maths is not unusual. Unfortunately the very academic schools look for all-rounders. She is clearly never going to be a mathematician but it does not mean that she won't be a fine poet or a brilliant linguist or whatever. Most importantly, being not great at maths does not stop her from being happy or from being a good person!

Most independent schools are academically selective and if you can't keep up you'll quite possibly fall by the wayside as it were. If you don't pass the exam you don't get in - even if you do pass they can make their final selections on any basis they want really and your dd saying she didn't want to go to the school was probably fatal. My daughter has done several group interviews and has heard girls asked by school A where they wanted to go reply - definately school B etc. She herself has been clearly instructed to be say something intelligently non-commital on being asked such questions.
Yes if you're paying you should expect smaller classes, more opportunites, great facilities bit I'm not sure you can expect much in the way of additional support where someone falls behind a bit. As dds tutor annoyingly says - it's the girls that make the school!!!

Thanks everyone for your input and advice, am going to put this to bed now and just concentrate on getting DD extra help. Since failing the entrance exam she has more motivation in her school work as she now realises the importance of it all, it wasn't just Mummy nagging! We are doing extra maths and she has started singing lessons to help with the confidence thing and she seems really determined to get ahead. Our meeting next week will hopefully sort the problem out once and for all.

Why thank you batters, I would love to update you all with a happy ending .

Well we had the meeting with DDs teacher re the extra maths she is supposedly getting so short of calling her a liar (DD is not getting as much extra help as teacher is stating) we are no further ahead. Head Teacher is also happy that DD is receiving satifactory support. Where do we go from here??????? DD got a pass of 65% on a maths test last week which was brilliant but then she had maths coaching virtually every day prior to the test (courtesy of DH and NOT the school)! We have also been to see another private school which is just out of this world and DD was so excited about the prospect of maybe moving there in the future. We met the head and he intimated that maybe he could squeeze DD in this coming sept and we really got our hopes up. This morning we received the letter to say they are full but would like DD to apply for yr 9 in 2008. That now leaves us no choice but to remain at DD's current school where as you know we are so very unhappy. Even DD wants out now, she has seen better things and pressure will be on next year as there will only be around 10 places available in this new school she has seen. This is really depressing news. How are we going to make it through another year where we are so unhappy.

Well we had the meeting with DDs teacher re the extra maths she is supposedly getting so short of calling her a liar (DD is not getting as much extra help as teacher is stating) we are no further ahead. Head Teacher is also happy that DD is receiving satifactory support. Where do we go from here??????? DD got a pass of 65% on a maths test last week which was brilliant but then she had maths coaching virtually every day prior to the test (courtesy of DH and NOT the school)! We have also been to see another private school which is just out of this world and DD was so excited about the prospect of maybe moving there in the future. We met the head and he intimated that maybe he could squeeze DD in this coming sept and we really got our hopes up. This morning we received the letter to say they are full but would like DD to apply for yr 9 in 2008. That now leaves us no choice but to remain at DD's current school where as you know we are so very unhappy. Even DD wants out now, she has seen better things and pressure will be on next year as there will only be around 10 places available in this new school she has seen. This is really depressing news. How are we going to make it through another year where we are so unhappy.

oops, sorry, hit it twice

Is there any chance you could widen your options by sending her to a school further away or even boarding school for a year? Then she could get the maths help she needs (assuming you find a good school) and have a better chance of getting into this other school for year nine. Or it's always possible that they may have a place for this year at the last minute.

If you've lost confidence in the current school, I'd want to get her out of there asap.

It is really difficult, isn't it? At least now, you no longer feel that you're dragging dd off against her will to another school. You're working in the same direction now so that must be a weight off your mind. But it would be nice to know everything was resolved. I'm not sure whether I wouldn't drop by that school again in person and see whether I couldn't convince them to take dd this year after all. You never know.

Yes CocoLoco, its awful having to stay put when we have lost all confidence in the school, as for getting her asap well its just not that easy is it. Yr 8 is not a normal transition and would always only be an option if suddenly a place became available. Waiting until yr 9 seems like an eternity and leaving D in limbo waiting for the move. I just wouldnt dream of sending her away to boarding school although funnily enough the school we are wanting is primarily a boarding school with some day boarders. I wonder if the head would change his mind if we said DD would board? I think he might but its just not an option as faras we are concerned although if she ever gets in she will flexi board a couple of nights a week, but 5 nights? definately not. SSShakeTheChi, yes it might be worth having a chat with the head and admissions registrar nxt week when term begins, as it was, it was so very disappointing to be let down when the head suggested maybe he could squeeze her in. Have got such a downer on her current school its like her education is just on hold until I remove her. I guess that sounds pretty dramatic but I really dont see that DD is getting a good deal.

Message withdrawn

Yes we are going to keep up with the private maths tuition 2/3 times a week, we found a really good tutor locally. I don't think home ed would be a good move as I think it's quite important to intergrate socially at DD's age. Wish I had a magic wand and this could be resolved by sept (yr8). Also given the fact the school we are now interested in will only have 10 places available for yr 9 makes me question do we take a chance and hope for it OR do we look at yet another school?, Dont want DD feeling she is getting pushed from pillar to post. Does that make sense?