OK, who's done it? Anyone moved their child out of grammar to ordinary secondary (year 8)?

[BurningBridges]

DD1 is 13 this week. She has never prospered in grammar, coming to the end of year 8 its still tears most days, some days refusing to go in and us having screaming matches at 8.30am. Her grades are ok, not a high flyer but her homework is never turned in, all her books etc are torn and dirty, she's cut her skirt with scissors, detentions here and there. She has no friends in her class (she does have a couple of friends in other classes). But to be fair, she didn't like primary school much either! she's a very quiet girl, but very independent and strong minded - that doesn't seem to sit well with a grammar school.

Backstory - I moved my DDs from our local village school to the nearby "sink estate" school (which incidentally went from strength to strength afterwards) - they were happier there although DD1 was the least content ifyswim. (DD2 is in year 6 going to another secondary, not grammar, a couple of miles away in September). Having done this once I am reluctant to do it again, most people think its an outrageous action to take and bad for the children etc. What do you think Mumsnet?

Favadi- in what way does a grammar school look good on a Cv?

Given that there are only about 160 state grammar schools in the country and many of them don't have 'grammar' in their name (so many people wouldn't know they were selective schools), I can't imagine it makes any difference at all.

HI everyone - I really appreciate this discussion, it is helping. DD isn't keen to move as she'd be worried about having to fit in elsewhere etc., but she definitely isn't coping with the work - we agree on that. We also agree there are only 2 possible schools.

A friend asked me about bullying tonight and I said no bullying as such, but most of the girls in her class ignore her, and friend said hang on, that's bullying too.

Anyway, am seeing the Head of Year at 8am tomorrow and take it from there. I also have the in year application forms for both possible new schools so will fill them in, but DD's first choice of the two has already told me I am on a hiding to nothing.

Let's see what this head of year says tomorrow. Will get back to you.

Hey! Did you do it? Did you move schools? I am in the same situation, my daughter is in year 8 and her problem is that she doesn’t have any friends close to home. She travels to school which is 30 min away. I wish I never considered grammar school. But she said she wanted a new start, away from the toxic classmates in primary… I really don’t know what to do. I worry if moves now to the local state secondary, she will not make friends and this will be a disaster.

@Unicornsandkoalas
this thread is from 2014!

i would be curious to know the outcome. We are in the same shoes 😔

Ds1 and ds2 were both in selective grammar schools, and ds3 had just taken the 11+, but hadn’t got a selective place, when we decided to move to Scotland, for dh’s work. This meant that the boys had to move schools, and ds1 and ds2 ended up in a good, local comprehensive school, and ds3 followed them there when he was 12.

Whilst both older boys were doing OK at the selective schools, they both flourished at their new school. Ds1 ended up going back a year, because he’d have missed too much of the exam curriculum, and as he had been pretty much the youngest in his year at his old school, this was good for him as it gave him an extra year to mature. Ds2 had had problems with bullying at his old school, but found a great group of friends at the new school, and did really well there. It did take him a while, but he found activities he enjoyed, and that led him to his friendship group.

I realise this isn’t directly applicable to your situation, @BurningBridges, because our boys had to move school, because of dh’s work move, but it does show that a move from a selective grammar can be good for the children, both educationally and socially.

All three boys are adults now, and have degrees and decent jobs - and they all say that they definitely benefited from moving schools.

I know! I was really curious of the outcome on the long run!

It’s hard isn’t it? I wish there was an option for them to try a day in a different school and see if they like it! I really don’t know what to do, I feel like I messed up my daughter.

Wow! Many name changes since then, but here I am - I am BurningBridges. I eventually moved DD for year 10. by the end of year 9 she was traumatised by the school - I remember some years later we walked past some girls who had been bullying her (she was prob 17 by then?) and she was in pieces. I moved her to a new school, as in it hadn't been open long, and it was OK - not great but it was better; took her a while to settle. It was co-ed but in practice mostly boys and I think that helped in some ways (but in other ways it made things more difficult with boyfriends etc). She then went to art school, went on to uni and just started her first job since graduating.

Younger DD was not so lucky - she went to an appalling academy school, the bullying there affected her beyond anything I could ever have imagined, and she developed mental health issues, missed year 10. She managed her GCSEs but didn't cope with 6th form. Funny thing was I tried to move her too, 4 times, and each time she insisted on going back to the school. With hindsight I should have ignored her and just moved her anyway.

I have to say school was a weird time for my DDs and I don't think I handled it very well, but most of their issues were due to bullying. So that's how it turned out. DD was moved from grammar and it was a good thing overall.

Hi @Unicornsandkoalas Did you decide what to do? I am on the same boat... Applied to a grammar which is 30 min away. Daughter is in Y7 and absolutely hates it, cries, has already missed many days of school. I deeply regret the decision and would move her to the local comp school but it's heavily oversubscribed

@Unicornsandkoalas im sorry you are going through the same. I would advise you try and wait until at least easter.
Have you spoken to the pastoral team? any help from there?
My son got a place and started in the local comp in the september and has been doing great and it seem to have worked out.
He knows there was going to be no coming back and it was his turn to make sure he did his best to work hard and behave and so far so good and he tells me he is happy that we made the move.
Every situation and child is different and we had a very hard last 2 years so i’m ready to get a break.
Hope you find the right choice for your daughter and she can enjoy her secondary years