Undeserved bursary

[Hamstersball]

I know a child that has been offered a very substantial bursary at my dd's independent school. She has passed the academic selection process and on the surface can be very charming, able to talk to grown ups at ease etc. However we have known her for several years as dd1 and her are in the same brownies pack and her behaviour has always been dreadful: picking fights with other dc, racist and foul language, lying when confronted, bullying other children. I can only conclude that her school lied between their teeth about her when they gave her a reference to support her bursary application as several mothers who know her at school say her behaviour is also dreadful there. I'm really tempted to inform dd's school about the true nature of this child and want to know if anyone has done something similar and what was the outcome.

If you are genuinely only concerned about the impact on your child, it would be perfectly reasonable to approach the school and explain that you DD has had some difficulties with the girl in the past and ask that they be separated as far as possible. Anything else is absolutely none of your business.

Im curious how you know this child is in receipt of a bursary? As far as I'm aware bursaries are confidential. You don't mention the parents at all in your enthusiasm to attack this child I suspect if you knew the parents you would have happily included them and critisised them so how do you know? More spiteful gossip is suspect.
In the past I have helped a child from a very complex family situation with at times understandabley difficult behaviour get a bursary and I know of at least two other children who were at times very difficult due to their home circumstances get a bursary. Many independent schools are very willing to offer bursaries to such children wanting and believing that they can help and there are also organisations who provide funding for children from complex and difficult family backgrounds.
This child starts her senior school with a clean slate bursaries are not dished out willy nilly she must have done very well academically in the entrance exam and maybe someone believed in her and was happy to look beyond any bad behaviour and believe that if given the right opportunities she has a lot to offer to not only the school but also the wider world and have decided to give her a chance. How wonderful I only wish more schools took this approach so many children who are often labelled at an early age are thrown into the no hoper/bad behaviour bin and left there to rot. You should be proud that your chosen senior school has enough vision to see beyond bad behaviour at the real child behind it.
Good luck to her I hope she achieves great things.

You are coming across very badly here and I urge you to think twice before gossiping about a child, as you have been doing plenty it seems, in future.

happygardening. From a subsequent post by OP, this is in ordinary terminology, a scholarship. It must be one of the school's little foibles to call an academic award by the name usually given to means-tested awards.

I don't think I've ever read a more unpleasant OP.

Say nothing, do nothing. It is none of your business.

Contrary to popular belief, independent schools do not just throw out pupils with challenging behaviour.

A girl in DD2's class came up from the junior school with her to the senior school.(I have no idea if she receives a bursary, though.) This girl is a known bully, and had to be fully supervised on a school trip where the girls are usually given a lot of freedom, because of her past behaviour. (This was in the junior school, but she was still offered a place at the very oversubscribed senior school.)

She is in DD's class, and has caused some problems for her and her friends, but my DD has learnt some coping strategies for when this happens, and it seems to have ended, for the tine being. My DD has also spoken to her about her family circumstances, and understands why she can be so horrid, at times. DD likes her, but can't always trust her, IYSWIM.

So, it is good for DD to be in a class with her. She has learnt that you sometimes need to handle difficult people, and has learnt some strategies for doing that. She has also learned that you can try to understand and empathise with them. Very useful life lessons for my DC, never mind the benefits to the other child of attending the school.

Ah thanks meditrina didn't read all the postings. Oh well I thought it was to good to be true as is so often the case

OP, forget about the bursary, it's non of your business. Trying to do anything about it will make you look like a loon.
FWIW, if you had posted 'a girl I've known for several years through an activity I help run as a volunteer is joining my daughter's school. I'm concerned as I've seen her bullying and using racist language and heard she is regularly in trouble at school. She'll know no one else at the school yeah right

Actually I can't see how it concerns you at all.

Hamstersball, I am not going to say you are an awful person or condemn you for being concerned about the bahviour of another child. Neither am I going to tell you to stick your noseout. However, I do not think puting your nose in will
(a) do any good
(b) is likely to do harm to your own dd's future ( most may take a simiar view to those expressed by posters here, so the apporach isnt worth it).

However, I can believe what you say ( I am certainly not going to suggest you are poisonous, lying or jealous) . I think you clearly have concerns , although the ay you have expressed them may have got some backs up.

You say this is an independent school that your dd goes to?

Could you remove your dd and send her to another school? Isnt there another school available?

The beauty of the independent system is that you pay the fees and therefore you make the choice about how, where, and who your child is educated with. The who being both other DC and teachers.

I can fully appreciate how you may feel. I can also appreciate that you may feel it should not be your dd who has to move - but the reality is that it will be the most cost effective and practical way.

I had to take my DS out of a school which I felt had DC in it whose behaviour was an issue.

In the long term, if the school values its income, it will be swift in dealing with behavioural isses - and clearly they will be spotted if this child is as you state. However, often even independent schools haveto show some willingness to address and deal with issues before they can invite a child to leave ( or expell them if need be).

You may not feel you want to wait that time or you may feel it will be detrimental to your dd's education and also that your dd should not have to put up with it anyway - and I agree.

If you take your DD elsewhere, I expect there will be an exit interview / paper. State your reasons ( try to be polite and dont come over as you have here ) Just state that some pupils exhibit bullying behaviour and you prefer your dd to not have to work play and learn in that atmosphere.

You will have alerted the school to the problem.

May I finally say that you must tell them though. Too often in the recent past at the school where I work parents have decided not to send their DC or have removed their Dc but have not been honest as to the reasons.

Consequently we have been on a falling roll and not known why.Had parents been honest we could have been quicker dealing with it. We have dealt now but it left us with a reputationand we reap the consequencies as I speak.

Get your dd out of that school. Find a nice place for her and explain to the current school why. Thats my advice.

Oh FFS, stop haranging OP, OP is entitled to not like the girl, she hasn't broken any sacred confidences (has she??).

Leave the subsidised fees out of it. Just tell the school your DD does NOT get along with other girl and you want yours in separate classes/form as much as possible. School will soon figure out for themselves what she's like and if they were given false info by anyone. School can't take a random parent's word for it anyway, about the girl's character, so no benefit in OP saying anything more.

Seems likely there will be a whole queue of parents with same concerns as OP, anyway, if girl is that notorious.

Actually Lljkk makes a good point, if you stick to saying you want your DD in a different class, but then others do too, the school will be highlighted to the fact there's a problem with that girl without having to sink to gossip and nasty comments.

I don't know the girl's mum well just on nodding terms with her , my concern is with her dds behaviour. I know the leaders speak to her regularly about her dds behaviour but she will not accept her dds is at fault blaming the other dcs and lack of suitable activities to keep her dd occupied. I fear this child has no deterrents for her poor behaviour and she is actually being rewarded for it. If all of you can remember the child in your class who was clever but a nightmare behaviour wise then would you want them to invited to be part of your dcs year group and share a commute on the bus with them?

Just joined this thread and agree with lljkk that it's got pretty nasty to OP. I am guessing OP you feel it's not "fair". May not be a grown-up feeling, but we all have it from time to time. Let it go, it appears to be eating you up. The truth is, it may not be "fair" or it may be - you don't really know why the school has done this.

You want to protect your DD from this girl. I understand. Call the school and ask that she be put in another class as there is past history. Do not elaborate, it will only make you look bad. This type of thing is commonplace and most schools happily comply. THEN, teach your daughter strategies to keep away from said girl in a polite way if you fear she'll make a beeline for her. They'll be useful anyway as we all come across difficult people in our lifetimes. Then RELAX. AS with most things, the reality will not be as bad as your worst 4am fears.

That's there I side with rest of thread, it will benefit your Dd to learn to deal with difficult people (up to a point). You can't shield her forever. If other girl is truly horrendous school will have to resolve to keep its customers.

(Didn't have a clever-but-nightmare child ever in my classes, unless I was that person, ArArAr...)

That's WHERE I side... (oops)

"Could you remove your dd and send her to another school? Isnt there another school available?"
How ridiculous. Assuming this isn't a tiny senior school with only 10 children in each year then surely even if in the same class the OP's daughter will have enough sense to just avoid this child.
We cant organise our DC's lives so that they never come into contact with children who may be perceived by many as undesirable neither as Sanity points out neither should we want too. You think you know about this particular child but she will not be alone there will be others many who appear on the surface to be absolutely charming but underneath are equally as badly behaved just in a less in your face way. I know which one I would prefer.

Do you really think the school would withdraw the bursary on your say so?

I agree with others, your only course of action is to ask for your DD to be in a different class.

I know the child has been given bursary as her mum was telling everyone in brownies and since the school only offers one 97% bursary for that year group I know it's substantial. The fact they are only paying a nominal fees I feel gives them little incentive to work on improving her behaviour. I have a lot more to lose if her behaviour affects my dds schooling. I appreciate what people are saying on this thread but I work hard, scrimp and save and do without to ensure my dd has the best education possible and if it makes me look bad to say something to the school then it's a gamble I'm prepared to take to protect her education.

BTW - you could look at this as an advantage, there's someone in every school, at least you know who the girl is in this one, you can ask in advance for your DD not to be in the same class as her/not to be sat near her if they are streamed into the same group without having to wait until it's a problem and you can talk to your DD in advance about ways to avoid getting sucked into trouble, talk to your DD about racism and why it's wrong etc.

Actually Lljkk makes a good point, if you stick to saying you want your DD in a different class, but then others do too,

The biggestptoblem with this is a purely practical one. Clearly the Dc concerned will have to be in a class with other children. It may not be practical to remove any orall other DC on request.

Most schools set or stream. If the DC concerned is able then it is likely she will be in top sets. If therefore the OP asks for her dd to be in a different class, she is going to be put in bottom sets. ( lets be clear about that!).

DD has had to deal with this particular child for the past 4 years on a weekly basis and at various overnight and week long camps, days out as well. She is tired of having to deal with her and has asked not to go into guides just to avoid this particular girl. She has been at the school for the past 6 years and was looking forward to going up to the seniors but now with the prospect of this girl also being there has said she wants to go to a different school. Since we have not applied for any other schools this isn't really an option.

Hamsterball - I am shocked that you are privy to so much information about another dc not in your family. You seem unhealthily obsessed about a child and if I knew you in rl I would avoid you like the plague. Did a member of after school club staff really share that sort of information with you? How did such a conversation start? Was she simply nodding at your rants or did she start it? I cannot imagine how you both would start randomly talking about a child not in your family???

I think you should tell the school. They have a right to know the sort of person you are and can take steps to limit the damage you can cause to a child's reputation.

Poor kid.

I would not have allowed my dd to attend week long stays and over nights with staff I didnt trust. Why did you?

Bright children which obviously this child is are not necessarily easy. The child's mother maybe right there are a lack of "suitable" activities at brownies to keep her occupied maybe she's just too grown up for it. Very bright children react in different ways to be being bored or as so often the case are unwilling or unable to comply. I had a super bright friend (a brownie and guide where she caused havoc) whose behaviour was absolutely outrageous both at home at school and in other activities her reputation travelled before he and behind her as well. My DS's super bright friend is a notorious hooligan.
Hopefully at secondary school and especially if the school is selective she will get enough intellectual stimulation and may change her behaviour.