Is this a completely stupid idea?

[Katymac]

DD (8)may or may not be being bullied at school

We discussed moving schools (in September) at Christmas - but under no circumstances was DD moving....she would not leave her BF

A short while ago she said she would consider moving and on Thursday she insisted that she had to move straight away

Would it be really awful to move her to a first school for the last term (after Easter) then move to the middle school in Sept

There isn't really another primary around but she feels she can't wait until Sept

What do you think?

Well I have had her off three times since Christmas

Once was violent Diahorrea (I can never spell that) at 7pm....and although she was fine the next day they have to stay off for 24hrs don't they?

Once was when her asthma was bad and she had spent all night coughing and mostly awake - they was no point her going in when she was so tired

The other was a really odd bug which she was fine for hours then mid afternoon her temp would spike to 38, or even 39 witha headache and lethargy.....she was off for a week - but could have gone in on the friday (it was the friday before Half term) but her temp at 4pm on Thursday had still been 38.5

So maybe I am soft on her?

That sounds more like a caring mum to me than being soft.

no, you aren't soft on her. she has been off with genuine illnesses that anyone would have kept her off for.

she's never just said she doesn't want to go to school and ytou've let her stay home has she? so why would they assume that's the problem?
she has no reason to thjink you;'ll let her stay home, and even if she did it wouldn't have gone on this long.

the problem is with the school, not you

Someone has now suggested that she is depressed.

If she is changing stuff won't help will it?

I wish I knew for sure what happens at school

I would be depressed if I was being bullied all the time. remember depression can have an external trigger- in which case the only thing that will help is change.

Honestly I thought all the same things as you r.e. my cousin when she was going through it, and from the first day at her new school she started to blossom. It was incredible.

I agree.

at the end of the day the school should be supporting you, not blaming you.

maybe she is depressed, in which case that needs addressing... but as far as I can tell you're already going down the right route for that anyway (speaking to support workers etc etc)

i know this is a big decision for you and you don't want to do the wrong thing.. but I honestly think this is a problem with the school

Thanks everyone - I think I might go to bed

I am doing things just a bit slowly, cos I'm scared of making mistakes

Hopefully family support will help me make the right decision for DD

Katy

Sorry I didn't know the full story.

I think maybe you are doing the right thing moving her but I would just say that if they are saying you should move toa more multi cultural area that is appalling - sort of cleansing the school because it is intrinsically racist there - they should be more aware of different cultures and races and be helping your daughter to integrate not telling you to move - I would get them saying that on tape and sue the arse off them how dare they!!

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Twinkie XXX

dd2 (8, yr 4) was intermittently bullied at school but it was very subtle. The girls in question would make a big fuss of her and want to be her 'best friend' and then the next day would refuse to talk to her, and would ensure no-one else would talk to her either. It was very difficult to pin down, because it was so subtle and because adults really don't want to believe that children can behave like that (it started in reception). We were also very undecided about what to do, as some fo the time she was fine, but then every 2 or 3 weeks we would get tears for hours every night. She was also becoming disruptive in class. We eventually decided to move her in January this year. It was a very difficult decision, I moved in the las term of yr6 and hated it, but I had been very happy where I was. DD2 has now been at her new school for almost one term and has absolutely thrived there. We had parents evening on Thurs and it was the first time we have ever had a teacher praise her for the effort she was putting in. As dd2 so eloquently put it 'it's hard to do your best work when you're really unhappy inside'.
I expect you can guess what my advice would be (and this is from someone who was very anti moving children before this). If your dd really wants to move I think you should support her. If you want to talk about this at all you can cat me if you like,
Sorry for the long post, but I was in your position last November, hth

katymac, I don't think you should underestimate how difficult it may be for a child to be the only mixed race child in an all white school. Not only does she look different, but have you considered whether there may also be cultural differences that make her stand out. If your dd is a sensitive child (and I don't think that is necessarily a negative thing) she may really be agitated by being different.
And HOW DARE THE SCHOOL suggest that you are too soft on her. You are her mother, and as such YOU are the expert on what your child needs.

It sounds to me like the problem could also be the teachers....

My ds was very indifferent about his nursery class when he started last year. I was very concerned, because he is never indifferent about anything. The teacher kept telling me that it was just because he couldn't hold his pencil properly, or he couldn't sit stil, or etc. etc. ...always my son's fault. That teacher then left 5 weeks before the end of term and another teacher took over. Within days of the new teacher taking over, my ds started coming home all excited about nursery and telling me all the things he had learned. We are now in the usa and he is in kindergarten and absolutely LOVES his school and has never had a day of indifference since. AND although he still doesn't hold his pencil properly, his teacher now thinks he's lovely and is just happy that he is interested and learning. And along the same subject, my ds is an extremely confident child, but we lived in a fairly ethnic neighborhood in london. My ds asked a lot of questions about the race of the kids around him and spent almost a year alternating between wanting to grow up to be black and wanting to be japanese. He is completely white, by the way. Maybe if he had been a less confident child, he might have manifested his awareness of being different in a much more negative and introspective way.

Sorry for babbling on, but I do think you should trust your instincts.

Why change schools? Just withdraw her for the final term and inform the education authority that you are home-educating her until she starts middle school in September. This is what I did with DS1 when the bullying went too far. Make sure the LEA knows why you are withdrawing her and then they will make enquiries to see if the school is failing in its duty to protect the children in its care.

A different case, but I worked in a school where a boy moved into year 4 which is the last year at first school. He then moved to the middle school at the end of the year. He had an extremely successful transition as he had spent some time with his new peers, forming friendships which then supported his move to middle school.

It could be really positive for your dd Katymac - have you spoken to the primary/first school you're thinking of sending her to? Are they aware of her feelings about school? Do they have a buddy system for new starters?

I was bullied in school and I wish my parents had had the sense to move me; a fresh start or even just a break from the bullies would have helped a lot. It started when I was 8, too. I don't think I would hesitate.
Maybe race is an issue in only some schools. Two of the most popular girls in DS1's year 1 class (very white school overall) are mixed race (one is 1/2 chinese, one is 1/2 black).

Thanks for all your suggestions

DH & I have agreed to talk to the family support worker Mon am and then the head at the other school

We are "galvanized into action" so to speak

Thank you again

'We have been trying to tackle the problem with the school for over a year now
'

And you're STILL giving these people another chance to do nothing and bully YOU into thinking this is somehow your (or your daughter's) fault?

Sorry, but you wouldn't have seen my daughter there for dust.

A year is plenty long enough for a school to sort the problem. Why are you continuing to let them bully YOU?

Home educate her until september, it seems obvious to me that is the answer ??

Angela....I kinda have a F/T job....Home Educating might be a bit difficult

My sis has a full-time job and home educated for two terms.

Try peeking at the Education Otherwise website for help, there are homeschoolers out there who also work full-time.

Katymac, I am so sorry to hear this. For what it's worth I thought'd I'd give you our experience. My DS is in Y2 he had an awful first couple of years at a primary school where he was picked on by the staff to the point where he was having nightmares and his behaviour was appalling (he is very mildly autistic and the school was insisting he was just naughty), the Head teacher was a bully and completely vile so we took the decision to move him this January to an Infant school and he will have to change school in September to a Junior School.

THIS IS THE BEST THING WE EVER DID FOR HIM.

Sorry for the capitalization but I really mean it. He is a completely different child, happy, working hard and settled. We have just had his first Parents Evening and I can't tell you the joy it has brought us. He no longer has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for his behaviour beacuse he doesn't need one - this is after 8 weeks!!!! He has seen this as a fresh start and really gone for it. He knows that you can't run away from your problems, but he sees that people are willing to give him a chance and the new friends he has made have been fantastic to him. He also knows he will have to move again in September, but he doesn't seem to mind that as his whole outlook has changed to being forward looking.

Hope this is useful to you. Love to you and your Lovely DD.

I know there have been outright race-based incidents, Katymac, and it may be that those have left her feeling quite exposed. If she isn't describing actula bullying incidents, maybe sghe is simply feeling isolated and insecure. Have you and DH talked to her about how she feesl as the only mixed race child, and if that is a factor for her? If she is feeling isolated I don't suppose it will help her self-confidence to be kept away from school, and then to be plunged into a new middle school after a break. i thin I would definitely go and have a look at the other school and take her with you. But maybe find time to talk alone with the head and the teacher she would have about how they support a healthy respect for difference.

I have to admit that i would be feeling like you do about wondering whether to move to a more mixed area. My Mum helped as an assistant at my niece and nephews school in your part of the world, and she has described some incidents of shocking ignorance and prejudice...and I have come across it too, over DP. I will be truthful with you, and tell you that DP has said he wouldn't move there if DS was the only mixed race child in an otherwise all-white school. But that is because of the attitudes my family have encountered - I am sure there are schools and places that have a more enlightened perspective, and the other school may be one of them. I would go and check the new school - but in all honesty, I would be keeping a move as plan B. No, it isn't right that you should have to do so, but it's a tall order for your DD to be in the front line of the first changes for generations. What does your DH think?

Anyway, if she is so unhappy at school, being with new people couldn't be worse could it??

I was bullied badly in primary school but was too ashamed to ever to talk about it fully (bizarre!!), and am already worried about our 4 year old ds who is very shy and his socialisation!!! I am a teacher now though, and feel that your first step should be to speak frankly to your dd's school. How are they dealing with this? Do they have a bullying policy? Who is in charge of pastoral care? Have you kept a record of incidents? Have the parent's of the children been involved? It seems like a big step to change schools at this stage, when I moved up to secondary my life completely changed (and I now take solace in the fact that the girl's who bullied me are still living in the same place, with no qualifications!). Speak to the school!!! We've had students who've moved due to bullying (and moved and moved again). Does your dd belong to any hobby/extra-curricular groups outside school? This helped me (and my ds) loads.

Thanks everyone....I have a lot to think about

Nicoloola - the school is denying that there is currently any bullying going on - although they have admitted that there have been incidents in the past, both bullying and racial. The parents have been involved but as it is not hitting or kicking - everyone seems powerless

Currently she is attending "friendship group" (I think it should be the bully attending...but there you go)

She attends and has problems at brownies and youth club - but does fine at gym & music - she is hoping to restart dancing soon