Does it matter if your child's teacher doesn't like you?

[Enideepmidwinter]

I have noticed over the last couple of years that dd1's teacher isn't particularly friendly to me - much less so than to other parents. I have also noticed that at parent's evening she doesn't listen to what I have to say and rarely meets my eye, just launches into a very rehearsed sounding speech, sometimes about dd1 and sometimes about her experiences as a teacher, which although fascinating, aren't really what I am interested in during my rare 15 minute slot.

She is never particularly reassuring even though I have had a few worries about dd1's progress at school.

She made me feel a total idiot this morning when I asked if it would be possible to take a cake in for dd1's birthday on the 20th (they are rehearsing the school play all day so she won't be home until 3.30 then has to go to the performance at 5pm). She said no basically and that it was over the top and unnecessary.

I did take dd1 out for an hour last week to go to dd2's nativity play. The teacher was very unhappy about it and pointed out on three seperate occasions that it would be marked down as an unauthorised absence (which I knew about). Last week a girl in dd1's class took three days off to go to Eurodisney - she brought toys in and was encouraged by the teacher to talk about her trip.

Anyway, do you think this will affect dd1's education at all and, the 64 million dollar question, AM I BEING PARANOID

Bloody hell, do we all have to go round with clown smiles painted on our cheeks so as not to give people the wrong impression. At least they didn't say cheer up love

sorry, posted without finishing.

Everytime I would ask her about X,Y or Z to do with Ds1 work she would give me the shortest possible answer, could nevr look me in the eye and is so emotionally defunct it's untrue(I've never seen her smile, just scowl) and it almost seemed like she wanted him to get it wrong for some bizarre reason.

I had just had enough, and spent 30 mins with the depurty head complaining about every bit of her.

Thank god we're leaving her at Xmas. It's brilliant shcool but she is awful.

Hmm, What does your dd think of her? Does she feel like she is singled out at all?
Sounds like a clash of personalities to me this teacher has obviously taken a dislike to you (and who knows how many other mums) I think the cake comment is a bit stingy and the handwriting one very cutting.
I'd bide my time after all sh ewon't be her teacher forever and you'll only have to endure the 15 minute slot every now and then. I think I would have felt exactly the same tbh.

I agree with taking something else instesd of the cake, what about some really lovely cookies, or some fab iced fairy cakes? (hers could have a candle - or is that not allowed anymore?) Although I can understand they will be short on time due to rehearsing it doesn't seem right that your dd will lose out.
Perhaps let her take in a splendid big cake the day before, one that's extra sweet for the sourpuss teacher?

Malory, I'm not honestly. She just tipped me over the edge.

Enid - I have a face like that. Do you have a patrician nose by any chance?! I think it does sometimes mean that people are either scared of you or think you're going to be a bit haughty/ snotty.

I think it is possible the teacher does not dislike you as much as you think; I can see an alternative explanation for her actions.

If you ask permission to bring in a cake or take time off school, the teacher really has to give the official school line. If you just do it, the teacher is then in a position of having to make the best of it. Is it possible the parents of the other girls just turned up with the cake, or took their daughters out of school, without asking first?

A what nose?

hallgerda I think you are probably right about the official line. Still I think there are ways of saying these things in a pleasant way.

Its not patrician puddle, but it does turn up at the end so I tend to look a bit snooty (apparently).

I just have a sudden picture of tall willowy Enid towering over stumpy teacher...is she short by any chance Enid

lol

yes she is

very good legs and fashionable short skirts

ugly as sin though

Aha. Little Person Syndrome. Much commoner in men IMO but some women suffer from it too
Tall slim women can trigger symptoms including blurred vision (= inability to see child's handwriting for what it is, a major achievement) and slurred language (= bile in system causing tongue to swell)

I would make an appointment to speak to her, and say that whilst quite clearly there seems to be a problem between you, as adults you should be able to park this to one side, and do whatever is best for your child.

I would then have a list of issues to discuss, and go through them item by item, saying 'I understand that you don't encourage children to be absent without leave, but we considered this occasion important, and took the decision for the benefit of our family. But, we have never taken children out of school for holidays, which is something that has happened, and you seem to have accepted gracefully' etc. etc.

Whilst you obviously don't want to be confrontational, you need to stand your ground, so that she knows she can't push you around.

At the end of the day, you're her customer - your taxes pay her salary!

By the way, what's wrong with being short!!!!

Marina! Now as well as the breast vs bottle, disposable nappies vs reusable, jars vs homemade, are you trying to start a tall mummy vs short mummy divide? I am vertically challenged but am never snooty to tall women, I'd be too afraid!!

I was once accused of giving a colleague "dirty looks" at the photocopier.
I had no recollection of the event and my boss said to me "Well, you do have that look on your face often which is rather unfortunate"!!
It still pisses me off when I think about it and I wonder wether your instinct is right, that the teacher has presumed a certain attitude from you whoch simply doesn't exist?
I like the idea of giving cakes out at the end of school as a compromise.
Happy birthday to DD BTW

I plead in my defence being pretty short myself, honest five foot 2 and a half. And although I have not yet met her, I know Enid to be tall, so she knows I am only joshing about the height thing.
I am also scared of tall mummies but usually manage to savage their kneecaps as they stride past me... is it your birthday today chipmonkey?

I have accused dh of blanking me and looking "through" me at public events (ie, not intercepting "time to make a move" signals correctly) only to be reminded very tetchily that he is short-sighted. I don't think myopia can be used as an excuse for Enid's teacher's meanspiritedness, but are you short-sighted CaRowlers? Could that be a possibility?

Yes, its my birthday, but not feeling very well so had a moan on another thread!

this teacher sounds miserable - I teach reception and love it when kids bring things in, we have had cakes, fruit salad, sweets, biscuits etc lots of times and we just turn it into part of the lesson, do some counting and sharing etc. Does sound like she is making exceptions for others, of course you always have your favourites but I try my best to never let it show to the kids let alone the parents

Dear enid I get paranoid that other people don't like me in alsorts of situations (replaying conversations etc) and I'm always having to tell myself that you can't please them all and its inevitable that you will meet people who you just dont gel with - however I can understand this is quite emotive as it involves your dd and her education.

I also teach in a secondary school and I do come across parents who seem nice but aren't really supportive and vice versa - I think she should be very grateful that you are obviously a very supportive parent. If this is really bugging you ask to speak to the head of keystage or assistant head (depending on their school structure) if you are concerned about dd's progress.

My tuppence worth is not to confront the teacher in case she takes it out on your daughter. So long as your dd is happy, I think you have to bite your tongue. Moment your dd starts feeling singled out, then all bets are off .

Might be useful just keeping a little jotter of cake incident, fact that your dd took an hour off (cf Disneyland incident) etc just in case relations ever worsen and you do need to take it further.

What do the other Mums say?

I mean the other Mums at school!

haven't mentioned it

they all love her and my closest mum friend is always telling me how the teacher calls her dd 'a little treasure' etc. So I will button it with them in case they think I am mad paranoid bint.

Last week next week thank goodness

enid, I read this earlier. I do know what it's like to feel you're not seeing eye to eye with a teacher who won't even look you in the eye. My son's teacher and I had words at the parent teacher meeting after she suggested I cut down my working hours so I had more time at home with ds in the evening (I am usually back by 6.00). She said ds seemed tired, it was affecting his education and I 'must' be putting him to bed too late. I told her he was perfectly lively at afterschool playclub and never tired when I collected him, but she didn't believe me. In other ways too, I felt she was blaming the parents for ds's shortcomings at school. Since ds moved teachers, he's done really well - his reading has come on a lot this term. I wonder how she feels now...

I don't think you are being a paranoid bint. As in your case, the other mothers thought she was very good.

My ds was not too enthused with her either, so I decided to make myself very available for school trips to see what was happening. It took some doing actually being allowed to go on a trip (teacher refused my offer to go to on a short local park trip, even though I was driving myself to and from it, so not taking up room on the coach - I started a thread about it) anyway, I made it really clear how eager I was to go on the next one, and got an invite.

I did it so the teacher could see me and ds in action together, and also get to know me a little better. She definitely was more smilely and talkative to me afterwards so it worked. I still didn't agree with her views of my son, but at least we were on friendly terms.

I am rambling but I wonder if you are really OTT nice with this teacher, and offer to do lots of school trips, classroon activities etc whether she will crack? If you fight her standoffishness with niceness ( especially in public when there are others around to witness it) her cool behaviour will look much more inappropriate and she will be forced to rethink her ways

I do think it was mean about the cake and the nativity play. As others have said, she might have been giving you the official line, but even so she should have sounded warm and apologetic and offered a compromise.

If one child can bring in a cake then all children should be allowed the same opportunity- equal ops!

If you continue to feel uncomfortable and it is getting to you why don't you ask to meet with her to discuss your child's progress as an avenue to telling her how you feel about your communication (or lack of it ) with her. Tell her that you feel you feel that there is a communication barrier between you both and that her not looking at you in the face makes you feel that something is up. See what she saids to that. Maybe she doesn't even know that she is doing this and the chat may make you feel better and make her more aware of developing some better interpersonal skills with you.

Goodluck. It is good that your ds feels happy and content though as this is paramount to his development.