Should final say be his or ours?

[mandylifeboats]

DS2, age 11, is moving up to secondary school next September, and looking forward to it.But.... his choice is between the local state comp (very good as they go) or the fab independant DS1 is at.Whilst he is not completely anti the latter, he is more for staying with his mates from primary.Academically would probably achieve more at independant but thats not the be all and end all, just want him to be happy and do his best. Have tried not to put too much pressure on, tho he knows we'd prefer him to go with DS1. Ultimately he has the power as could deliberately fail entrance exam, but think he's too nice to do that! Anyone else faced similar, and how did it go?

If it is his decision and runs contrary to yours then there is so much scope for the you made the bed now lie in it syndrome..

We're in the same position with our eldest daughter - final choice will be ours but taking account of her preferences. Best piece of advice we were given was from a head at an open day - remember you are choosing a school for your child not yourself, you know them best and will know what suits them best. A happy child will fulfil their potential, an unhappy child may not. This is far more important than league tables, playground reputation etc

Thanks all for opinions it helps a lot. Have just come back from open evening at said independant school, and think our decision is probably made. Now just have to convince DS2...

When I was 11 I was faced witht he choice of 2 different secondary schools.
I said I wanted to go to the one my friends were going to, my mum wanted me to go to the other one.

It was the wrong choice. I was put in different classes to my friends. 3 of my friends moved away in the first year. I ended up very unhappy at the school and always wished my Mum had insisted on me going to the other one!
Not saying that this would happen to your son, or that he would be unhappy at the state school... but friendships are SO fickle, that on its own it isn't really a good enough reason to go to a specific school

Yours.

You plan for the long term for his future, he plans short term for what he thinks is important now. When I was 11, I thought not wearing glasses was important.

That's why we're adults and they're kids. At 16, I think a child is old enough and knows enough about themself and their study needs adn capabilities, to choose which school or college to go to, at 11, they simply aren't equipped to make such a life-changing, long-term decision.

Just read the rest of the thread and totally agree with everything MartianBishop says. It wouldn't occur to us to hand over responsibility for other important decisions to our children, i'm really surprised that so many parents seem to on this one. I don't think it ever occurred to me (or my parents, or teachers, or anyone else) that I had a say in it when I was that age.

I think that if you decide that you are making the decision, which is fair enough, then make very sure that your child knows that. There is nothing worse than thinking you have a choice, and having it overruled. Be honest in the first place. I wanted to go to one school which I very much liked, and my mother decided to send me to another. They were fairly similar, but I thought one would be more fun (it was co-ed and had lots of activities). My mother wanted me to make local friends and sent me to the other (girl's school). I don't think academically it made any difference (and none of my friends were local!), but I resented not being listened to. My brother and sisters and I all went to the same junior school, and then had different secondary schools, and it was good to have separate lives (and to be called the right name!). Good luck on making your decision!

Yes, nooka, you are right, so DH and I have talked and then I had a heart to heart with DS2 whilst making a cake together this afternoon. I said to him that we've thought lots about it, and while we like to give him choices when possible (and reminded him how he's choosing a new bed at the moment) that some choices are just too big for someone of his age, that we love him and want to do the very best for him now and in the future.So although we are listening to him, we will be making the final decision about his school. I asked him did he understand, to which he replied that yes, his education was more important than following his friends.Seemed very OK about it, will now let it rest for a while to let it all sink in (for us as well as him!) Feel it may all turn out to be a bigger deal for us than him in the end.

Sounds a great approach - nothing like cake making for heart to hearts